Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Turgid and tempestuous dragging us along pulling us into the undertow
it's a raging sea, with squalls and ebbs,
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Have you ever been slapped in the face? I mean a really serious stinging slap that cut you to the quick, moreso because of the innate message behind it than the physical sensation itself? If so, then you're sure to understand this post.
I've been dealing with some physical and emotional issues. A "friend" was also dealing with issues. I thought I did and said all the 'right' things. At times it can be difficult to get over oneself and really sympathize when you're up to your neck (pun intended) with problems. I find it helps me get over myself if a friend leans on me. I felt useful, while at my most useless. I had been through very similar issues myself over the years, this "friend" asked for the benefit of my experience...i didn't foist it on her. Now the rub...we had been texting frequently then "friend" started avoiding me, text-wise. She started changing the conversation after she asked me how I was. I hadn't actually planned on really talking about it because I look fine, I work fine mostly...it's just little annoying things, slowness, fatigue, weakness, spasms...etc,. She continued to ask so I relented and defined it. Then, total clam up! Finally I got the nerve; after round 300 of me supporting, and being blown off to ask if my condition made her uncomfortable. She said "yes, it's hard for me."...other words lost in the blur. What the heck!? Completely stung and taken aback. Like this isn't hard for me? I resolved to coat myself better next time....I am an idiot! Tonight it started again, with the dramatic neediness. I lost it and pointed out that recovery is for the strong, wallowing for the week. I wallow for an hour or so a day...I whine to a really awesome friend, and pray he knows he can gripe to me. After my allotted time...it's over. I will probably always have some level of weakness, but so what? It's not how fast you get through life, but what you do while you're living it.
Yeah it's kind of whiney... .it was my hour! :-)
If I misspelled or left out words;
1.) It's a phone
2.) My hands don't always cooperate
Happy weekend :-)
*slightly altered to protect the innocent since this is pretty public
Friday, March 11, 2011
Babinski and hoffmann. Their signs are silly. Thompson, miami, softside and philly...xray series 's hospital gown breezes these are a few of my least favorite things
When i laugh, when i smile when im not at all sad...i simply remember my least favorite things and then i don't feel so glad
please hum to Favourite Things
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
pen, pencil, paper; I'm not sure why it seems so different now. Perhaps it's
because this is the first time i've ever done it publicly.
I found an old notebook the other day. I started it just prior to my Grandma
[Mom's] death. For those of you reading this unaware, my Grandparents
adopted me. My Grandfather passed away when I was 5...my Grandma when I was
15. It effectively left me an orphan. I had to move in with my Mom. I also found her body and had to notify people. I remember bits and pieces. Fragments float around in my
head. Finding that note book made me wonder what I was doing. How I had
changed...who was I then. I wondered if I would read it and recognize the
girl behind it. It was like a flood. I saw her, I heard her, but I saw the
pain and isolation from new perspective... that of a Mother, a friend, a
pain fired "grown up?". I could remember the emotions...I could hear the
echos of songs, friends, things long past. I may have grown, yet I am
today's confused child of tomorrow.
I know that I know nothing at all. I will never have a road map and today's
struggles are tomorrow's solutions. It's definitely humbling to know that I
have absolutely no clue about anything....so I will continue to write about
nothing because tomorrow when I read it, I will be astonished at the
ignorance or amazed at the insight.
If I spelled it wrong...my hands are
screwy...I won't be hard on myself
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Sometimes in our lives we all question the path we’ve chosen. Something cataclysmic might spurn us into these lengthy mental diatribes. Stages shifting in life might cause a mental swirl of what ifs…sometimes life itself draws us in. Whatever the reason, we attack ourselves, our very ability to make good decisions.
I was questioning my path a month or so ago. I’m 40 and feel pretty confused by everything right now. I wondered if I had wasted my life. I also wondered if I was ruining the lives of those around me. When I was 19 my life was wide open, I made the choices I did and felt very confident in those choices…(well as secure as anyone like me can feel). Largely I have been content in my life, pleased with the choices I have made. Something happened recently and it really shook me up. I started to wonder if I had made the ‘right’ choices or not. I was wondering If I was the best example of wife and Mother (of course not!!) Did I make the wrong turn on that trip through Albuquerque??? Why am I still so immature? That was another thing I started to question…diffusing situations with humour yet taking myself too seriously (how insane am I really??)…everything started to feel off center and nothing made sense. Merrily I was tripping down the trail of what-ifs following the bread crumbs of the lost and disconsolate.
Then I got a map….also known as another serious wakeup call
Since that time, I’ve had glimpses…glimpses of paths not taken. As I looked down the paths and saw the different futures that might have been; watched the unfurling leaves on the trees not passed, saw the flowers not smelled and the rosy path not taken…it hit me (like a sofa). Sometimes the trees throw apples (just ask Dorothy), sometimes the flower is a corpse flower and the path is just a muddy rutted out trail. I realized everyone walks their own path and we’ve chosen for a reason. I am lucky….I am one of the luckiest people alive. I’ve seen what could have been and I don’t want it. At this moment I am content, I love, and I am loved…really…. what more is there?
At this moment I am content on my pink flamingo filled path; sitting in a lounge chair under my coconut tree, with the monkeys hanging from it, throwing moon pies and beads, while joyfully eating packzi and sipping coffee shaky hand and all; while writing this delightfully long run on sentence, simply because I can J
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
My day was an epic comedy of errors...I'm still laughing or (was until my son got a D+ on a math test...)
...voice still out, swelling nasty, was going to stay in bed, Darlene came to yap with me..we planned a caper! Here goes...
Got dressed, can't raise arms to do a pony tail so i got stuck with pigtails to keep my hair from tangling in my velcro....made it down stairs mind only so muddled I need 3 trips to actually get socks...outfit...purple pigtails, maroon FSU shirt, jeans too big and rolled up...Doc Martens (of to a great lezstart)...hands really weak numb and shaking today...i was shaving raw chicken off a frozen breast for my kitty...right hand didn't work well, knife skidded into left thumb...didn't 'feel' the sharp but the stop was quite firm...the oh shit response hit about the same time as the fainting feeling...bled through the first bandaid...got butterfly and bandage...couldn't open them..so much blood...lol...get thumb bandaged (finally)...we get in car and i see the dropkicks CD...thinking yay Murphy's!!...empty!....so we rocked out to a Bryan Adams cd....we head out to Wally-world, to get a tape measure..I needed new pants and trying them on now is really hard, so i'm measuring them...leg clumsy today, tripped myself on way to sewing aisle, looked drunk ...in line buying tape...left thumb doesn't work now because of the bandage (cut is really deep) ....can't get money out of wallet...handed the cashier like $15 dollars because I couldn't unfold it...Darlene had to handle my money...right hand too uncoordinated to zip change purse, rescued again by Darlene (yes this is looking like a person shopping with their home health companion)...now we're shopping, i've been in a collar for MONTHS no one says anything or asks anything until today...through clever hand signs and my phone I communicate that there was a terrible accident on the way back to my home planet...one guy was really creepy and kept following me....I'm not sure but he seemed to be flirting, it just seemed off...other 2 ppl who ask are really nice :-)....a 20something hit on me too...(really boosted my ego)...now we decide we want a movie...still can't talk, Darlene's knee had swollen and she couldn't walk...I walked into the video store confident I would find Rent...i walked around with my notebook and pen until i found a store clerk, then passed notes...no rent...I'm laughing like an idiot right now as I type this...perhaps the best part was hanging prom dresses around Darlene's neck so we could pretend we were at prom together!! LOL Best day in a long time :-D