Wednesday, March 30, 2011

cracker jack peanuts

Why is it that some things are never really the way they are supposed to be? Take Cracker Jacks for instance; Cracker Jacks look and sound so promising! When you finally manage to pry the lid open on the hard, sad, somehow sticky box; they are generally all clumped together in a rather sad looking mass. You persevere anyhow to get to the prize...then it hit a peanut! How can they always, always, always taste like rancid oil coated with varnish!! For some reason you suffer through the box, because when you were four your Aunt told you it was rude to be wasteful and because you KNOW the ring is at the bottom...the paper feels rather flat...too flat even for one of the whistles...wait, this isn't a nifty paper packet to open it's some flat folded tear a tab paper fold over!?! A tacky lick and stick 'I love Cracker Jacks' tattoo?? I will not eat cracker jacks again. It always felt like such a rip off even as a child when the prizes were cool to "have to suffer" through a whole box of that stuff to get a toy. I was really unhappy when someone bought a big bag with only one prize and expected people to happily eat it and share the prize. There are people who love those things, but I've always thought they were something to be suffered through. Then it was ok because there was something cool at the end.

I am really glad life isn't too much like Cracker Jacks. There are occasional rancid peanuts, sometimes a bunch of them. Sometimes the crappy sticky corn gets stuck in your teeth. You have to brush hard to really get rid of the flavour. Like life there are some rancid sticky spots you have to deal with but I am so thankful that there is a great prize in life...the living of it!

I remember pouting and being angry when I was given Cracker Jacks as a treat. I still get kind of upset when I have a box of them. Perhaps it's the slogan "When you're really good they call you Cracker Jack" If that was good I couldn't wait to be bad! I pulled the sticker eyes off my orange VW toy car and stuck them on my Aunt's floor, (so the floor could see it was me!) I coloured outside the lines, I was often disagreeable especially when offered Cracker Jacks. Fiddle Faddle, Crunch n Munch, Poppycock, Screaming Yellow Zonkers, Caramel Corn....all those things terrified me for years! I still cringe when I see the Cracker Jacks in the store...maybe someday I'll get over the fear of rancid peanuts and glumpy caramel corn but then again it's probably about as likely as me getting over my fear of clowns!...yikes!!

I've seen Penny Lynn

10 feet tall and shining in the sun
long blonde hair
teenager so far away
bubbles so do they grow
what's it like to be
lamont with wood stuck to his tongue
help me with my dolly stroller
how can you color in the lines
oh you meant inside
i break the rules and color outside
there was a ring with a puppy dog
i still have the pin
I love you penny lynn
i can't wait to be like you penny lynn
i never was
but you did like my brown shirt
color of pudding
thank you

Have you seen Penny Lynn

red and yellow
and pink and green
purple and orange and blue
I can sing a rainbow too....
lyrics from a song spin round my head
a favorite shirt long gone floats to the surface
white buttons, flowers around the neck
laughter like windchimes on the breeze
sunlight filtered, autumn leaves
your hair in your mouth
jerseys and pumpkins
cut grass with watermelon seeds
ding dongs in foil wrappers
pea green carpet
the way the bus doors squeak
window cleaner and coffee
the Upper Ten bottle cut my knee
i still have the scar
brilliant green days of summer and spring
time flows backwards
the rocking chair,
your arms
folded photo
i'm sorry

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Wisdom of the ages

Ok....on March 17th I got my lip pierced. It wasn't painful. It's cute! I really like it. I was supposed to go in on the 27th to have the labret changed. I didn't go in until today. I chose my lovely new lip ring. I went into the back and sat in the appropriate chair, while the nice piercing artist gloved up. She carefully unscrewed the the old ring laid it aside, then put the new one in...the new one hurt a bit because the skin shifted, still no big deal. She was screwing the lovely stone on the end of the post when it hit me......
I can't feel my fingers, my hands shake! How on EARTH am I going to ever change this??? I will either ;
a.) learn how
b.) just go back and visit her when ever something strikes my fancy
c.) maybe the feeling and coordination will come back

At least I chose goes with everything I own! :-)

Monday, March 28, 2011

Owl City - Fireflies

I find happiness like fireflies and try to follow them. Sometimes they lead me to happy places, but If they lead me to a sad memory, so be it....we are what we have lived

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Irish Descendants - Raggle Taggle Gypsy

spinning balls and bouncing pennies

My mind's too little to be out alone and unsupervised! It seems more and more it roams and rambles about late at night.

Bouncing like a ball, hitting impossible angles and arcs. Flying high, crazy, fast, hard.
Other times it feels like the change collectors (the ones that look like funnels) you put the pennies in...they start to cycle in a lazy circle near the top, sometimes they criss cross with coins, they start to spin and spiral at dizzying speeds...often they collide and all wipe out, while others just keep going, faster, faster, lost in a blur.

There isn't anyway to stop the ball from bouncing without interfering. The laws of physics govern the motion, the actions, the physical reactions (Physics is really fun and fascinating!!) Don't argue mathematics it's all related. Everything is related, everything is relative...

The chaos theory seems to govern my mind...nothing else makes sense...right now nothing makes sense, but at least the ride is a fun spin and there is a neat bouncy ball to play with. Plus the Lorenz attractor plots can be pretty!!

Enjoy your sine wave

{ if I spelled it wrong or left a word out remember fingers are dodgy}

Friday, March 25, 2011

Love; one definition

It's ephemeral floating on diaphanous wings holding us bourne on a zephyr
Turgid and tempestuous dragging us along pulling us into the undertow
it's a raging sea, with squalls and ebbs,
Tidal waves
seditious and salacious but never only one all consuming yet desolate
It's the swales we walk when the hills are too steep
the light at the end of the day yet the morning sunlight highlighting all our second self flaws
butterflies struggling from chrysalis'
butterfly flits leaving us with the beauty of time well spent however long the ephemeral flowers bloom
is love

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Anemia/shmemia...oh and a new phone too!!

I'm bored....I'm constantly tired. The anemia is not iron related, so that leaves loads of other fun options. I'm not sure I care at this point. I can do what needs to be done, pretty much, I'm just a bit of a slug with a few bruises.

So fun plan for tomorrow...activate new cell phone! Was planning on it tonight but the ominous message ...yada yada can't program, call from a land line played....(yes I had the old cell off!) So, in order to maintain my tenuous hold on sanity...I'll just wait til morning.

Phones! Remember when they were Bakelite or some other indestructible substance one could use to murder the intruder? Then they became the avocado sentries stationed in the kitchen to ward off style. At some point harvest gold and tangerine (loved that commercial with the cop and the old lady!!) came out, so the phone could be more personal. It however still lurked in some remote area. Luckily you could still kill someone with the handset. Then we move on to a phone jack in every room and those lucky smirking teenagers who had a phone in their own room (a pox on them!) Ok, I got one later so revoke the pox. Never did I have a line in a phone book that listed....Mr & Mrs. Fluffelbottom* followed by Fluffelbottom* children's line!! I really saw that in a phone book! The jealousy bug bit. I was determined to have my own phone. Centuries later we get cell phones...I finally managed to eek my way into the 19th century in 2002 when I got my first cell phone....gosh it was small!! It was only 6x3x1!!! The antenna was tiny...only 4 inches!!
Now I am on my 6th phone...I am scared of talks to has apps...although some of those apps are really cool and will allow me to do things I can't do, especially on days when my hands are from another planet!

So wish me luck tomorrow as I activate a phone I can't possibly use to kill an assailant with...unless there's an app for that???

*names have been changed to protect the innocent but you smug teens know who you are :-)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Movie day

Fatigue seems to be a major player with me right today I used my fatigue to my advantage. I introduced my husband to Victor/Victoria!! He'd never seen it! One of my favorite lines years ago when I first saw is was "Do your friends ever call you Vicki?' 'Only once!" I LOVED that line, of course that's when I was in my "I am Victoria, not Vicki" phase.

As long as I continue still feeling like a sack of potatoes I might guilt him in to Les Miserables, La Cage aux Folles, Moulin Rouge and possibly watching the Picture of Dorian Grey since he's never read it. I must also procure Rent so we can watch that too...I'd love to get him to watch Hair.

Thinking back, I am wondering if the only reason he like Victor/Victoria so much was Julie Andrews?!?!? Nah, he did laugh quite a bit.
If only I could find a good stage play of Steel Magnolias! If only I could stay awake during it!!

So, if anyone is reading this purely for the post surgery updates ( I know a few are). Today was one of those down days. Again, CCS is elusive. Feel fine lying down, ready to greet the day, get up...oh wow!! Sit right back down. I had a lot of trouble with full body weakness and fatigue today. I've begun noticing on bad days I need frequent carb infusions. It seems to help to have animal crackers, or saltines available. Peanut butter and celery are also life savers. I am 6 weeks post op. Most people have the collar off by now, not me. I have healing issues. I do take it off to do ROM exercises.
This past week was a setback, the week of the 7th I ended up with whiplash, the CCS was really bad. I got, more meds a week of bedrest and a more restrictive collar. I get to try moving my neck again next week. I go back to see my surgeon on the 11th to assess me then. I am aware lots of people take issue with over restriction, but this is how my body heals. I trust the way things are being handled.
Overall I am doing well neurologically. Still have the CCS, it will or won't go away in a year, it's all good!

...if any of you are preparing for; or healing from ACDF...each experience is vastly different. I am quite possibly a mutant and am rather ok with this designation.

Friday, March 18, 2011


Where to begin....Wednesday...
1.) Planning extensive trip, things going awry
2.) Son needed to be picked up late
3.) Student led conferences at school
4.) Late dinner


Stress is one of the things that most affects my current state. I made a HUGE, huge, huge mistake. I didn't take a muscle relaxer when I felt the first symptoms creeping up. I thought things would just be fine, a little numbness a little clumsiness...nothing major. Just my new normal.

The stress started building, and I started to have issues with the stairs. Fairly normal after 3pm. We had a surprise 'discussion' with a teacher. That amped up the stress. I'd begun noticing pain in my arms by that point. We went back home to prepare dinner, then get ready to head back for the actual conferences. All the bad news hit at once. By the end of the hour (one hour) my legs were dragging up every step, the hand rail was a must, I still hit every step with my feet, I couldn't hold paper, much less leaf through them while the teachers were talking, I couldn't hold a pen, breathing was very laboured. I felt roughly like I had spent the better part of the day in a gym doing heavy weight training. I was s-l-o-w and uncoordinated...those poor parents probably thought I had been quaffing for hours!!

I will overcome this, there is just so much grey. I am still learning what makes this worse and why. I've learned that stress, a chill, and fatigue all affect this....put those three things together and it's a mess! Every limb can be affected. It hits people in varying degrees, various parts...I am assuming by the time I figure out what NOT to do, this will have mostly cleared up. I'm mild but it still hits me like a train sometimes.

I am very thankful I have a husband to help pick up my considerable slack. The morning is slow, the day is good, the afternoon...I just wind down. I've never been one to "just sit" I guess. I hate to dust, I'd much rather create than clean, I always assumed I was lazy. Now I feel lazy!! I think I may have dust bunnies growing on me or at least cobwebs!!

I did a wild thing my lip pierced (labret) I think it looks awesome :-)

Here's to a fun weekend...we have no plans, none whatsoever, definitely not meeting a cool friend in a fun place. ;-) But we are going to IKEA

Crystal Castles ft. Robert Smith~ Not in Love (lyrics in description)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011



lock yourself away
tearing flesh
lock yourself away


think, grow, change, become.....wait
fight, hit, rip, twist, turn,
you are


It glitters!

I tried a Lush bath bomb the other day; it was beautiful! The bomb dissolved into ocher coloured shards, and released this lovely gold glitter, the bubbles were luxurious and thick. The jetted tub really fluffed them up. The sound was muted. It felt like being in another dimension. I let the water out but still thought of the lovely gold glitter shimmering in the water.

I've taken baths since then, {I've not cleaned the tub out yet, it's only been 2 or 3 days!} each time a bit of glitter will stick to me. I look down and see a spangly surprise reminding me of a really happy time.

Life is like that! Those spangly, shiny, glittery times stick to you. They stick through the muck and the grime. They persist during the filth and the shame. The glitter is always underneath, just waiting to be re-discovered.

Thanks friends and family for glittering up my life :-)

Monday, March 14, 2011

Yay! Ideas!! Dr. seriously did give me this manual today at my check up...  :-)

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Wow? Really? !

Have you ever been slapped in the face? I mean a really serious stinging slap that cut you to the quick, moreso because of the innate message behind it than the physical sensation itself? If so, then you're sure to understand this post.
I've been dealing with some physical and emotional issues. A "friend" was also dealing with issues. I thought I did and said all the 'right' things. At times it can be difficult to get over oneself and really sympathize when you're up to your neck (pun intended) with problems. I find it helps me get over myself if a friend leans on me. I felt useful, while at my most useless. I had been through very similar issues myself over the years, this "friend" asked for the benefit of my experience...i didn't foist it on her. Now the rub...we had been texting frequently then "friend" started avoiding me, text-wise. She started changing the conversation after she asked me how I was. I hadn't actually planned on really talking about it because I look fine, I work fine's just little annoying things, slowness, fatigue, weakness, spasms...etc,. She continued to ask so I relented and defined it. Then, total clam up! Finally I got the nerve; after round 300 of me supporting, and being blown off to ask if my condition made her uncomfortable. She said "yes, it's hard for me."...other words lost in the blur. What the heck!? Completely stung and taken aback. Like this isn't hard for me? I resolved to coat myself better next time....I am an idiot! Tonight it started again, with the dramatic neediness. I lost it and pointed out that recovery is for the strong, wallowing for the week. I wallow for an hour or so a day...I whine to a really awesome friend, and pray he knows he can gripe to me. After my allotted's over. I will probably always have some level of weakness, but so what? It's not how fast you get through life, but what you do while you're living it.

Yeah it's kind of whiney... .it was my hour! :-)

If I misspelled or left out words;
1.) It's a phone
2.) My hands don't always cooperate

Happy weekend :-)

*slightly altered to protect the innocent since this is pretty public

Friday, March 11, 2011

Least Favourite things

Babinski and hoffmann. Their signs are silly. Thompson, miami, softside and philly...xray series 's hospital gown breezes these are a few of my least favorite things
When i laugh, when i smile when im not at all sad...i simply remember my least favorite things and then i don't feel so glad

please hum to Favourite Things

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Tender bud trembling
with dew
Spring breeze renewal
touch of warmth
the bloom
glow, stretching, within, reaching, living

symphony of color

swiftly on a stem

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Here we go again

Apparently I've always worked through difficult things with words, numbers,
pen, pencil, paper; I'm not sure why it seems so different now. Perhaps it's
because this is the first time i've ever done it publicly.

I found an old notebook the other day. I started it just prior to my Grandma
[Mom's] death. For those of you reading this unaware, my Grandparents
adopted me. My Grandfather passed away when I was Grandma when I was
15. It effectively left me an orphan. I had to move in with my Mom. I also found her body and had to notify people. I remember bits and pieces. Fragments float around in my
head. Finding that note book made me wonder what I was doing. How I had
changed...who was I then. I wondered if I would read it and recognize the
girl behind it. It was like a flood. I saw her, I heard her, but I saw the
pain and isolation from new perspective... that of a Mother, a friend, a
pain fired "grown up?". I could remember the emotions...I could hear the
echos of songs, friends, things long past. I may have grown, yet I am
today's confused child of tomorrow.

I know that I know nothing at all. I will never have a road map and today's
struggles are tomorrow's solutions. It's definitely humbling to know that I
have absolutely no clue about I will continue to write about
nothing because tomorrow when I read it, I will be astonished at the
ignorance or amazed at the insight.

If I spelled it hands are
screwy...I won't be hard on myself

Sunday, March 6, 2011


Sometimes in our lives we all question the path we’ve chosen. Something cataclysmic might spurn us into these lengthy mental diatribes. Stages shifting in life might cause a mental swirl of what ifs…sometimes life itself draws us in. Whatever the reason, we attack ourselves, our very ability to make good decisions.

I was questioning my path a month or so ago. I’m 40 and feel pretty confused by everything right now. I wondered if I had wasted my life. I also wondered if I was ruining the lives of those around me. When I was 19 my life was wide open, I made the choices I did and felt very confident in those choices…(well as secure as anyone like me can feel). Largely I have been content in my life, pleased with the choices I have made. Something happened recently and it really shook me up. I started to wonder if I had made the ‘right’ choices or not. I was wondering If I was the best example of wife and Mother (of course not!!) Did I make the wrong turn on that trip through Albuquerque??? Why am I still so immature? That was another thing I started to question…diffusing situations with humour yet taking myself too seriously (how insane am I really??)…everything started to feel off center and nothing made sense. Merrily I was tripping down the trail of what-ifs following the bread crumbs of the lost and disconsolate.

Then I got a map….also known as another serious wakeup call

Since that time, I’ve had glimpses…glimpses of paths not taken. As I looked down the paths and saw the different futures that might have been; watched the unfurling leaves on the trees not passed, saw the flowers not smelled and the rosy path not taken…it hit me (like a sofa). Sometimes the trees throw apples (just ask Dorothy), sometimes the flower is a corpse flower and the path is just a muddy rutted out trail. I realized everyone walks their own path and we’ve chosen for a reason. I am lucky….I am one of the luckiest people alive. I’ve seen what could have been and I don’t want it. At this moment I am content, I love, and I am loved…really…. what more is there?

At this moment I am content on my pink flamingo filled path; sitting in a lounge chair under my coconut tree, with the monkeys hanging from it, throwing moon pies and beads, while joyfully eating packzi and sipping coffee shaky hand and all; while writing this delightfully long run on sentence, simply because I can J

Thursday, March 3, 2011

sofa saga

It was a balmy night...Scott, Vicki and Mike were discussing a newly gained piece of furniture.... had a rather lively discussion...

Scott- "oh Vicki, you and Mike have acquired a new davenport i see"
Mike- "quite new in fact, why only today we've brought it home...great Scott! Scott we should place it inside our home!!"
Vicki- "I'll say! That's a rather splendid idea there Mike"
Scott- "perhaps we should imbibe in a wee dram of spirits before we begin?"
Vicki- " an altogether lovely idea, splendid! oh Scott, will you be so kind as to fire my fag, and yours?"
Scott- "absolutely Vicki! what a rollicking good time this is!"

Mike, Vicki and Scott all donned lift belts, planned all their moves well in advance, team lifted, and of course lifted with their knees in a carefully choreographed event. After the move was successfully completed they all rested upon the divan whilst discussing art and music theory. They laughed merrily all night and as the morning drew nigh....

What really happened...

It was another sweltering night in Florida, the Palmetto bugs were dive bombing Mike, Vicki and Scott...they had just brought home a second couch because Mike's parents gave it to them and were pretty well trashed...Vicki and Scott were smoking furiously. They were all singing somewhat discordantly and wondering if they had enough beer and smokes........

Vicki- hey Scott you want our old couch
Scott- sure man
Mike- alright lets get this one out and that one in
Vicki- wait what are we gonna do? which one first?
Scott- lets get this one out then that one in
Vicki- sounds good but lets smoke first...
Scott- yeah....hey can I have a cigarette?
Mike-you guys want another beer?

this goes on for a while....
we get the first couch out ok and the orange mushroom chairs...they sort of matched the brown mushroom sofa in a weird sort of psychedelic, kind of way...this furniture was last popular circa 1970.
Moving the new sofa in, we had to go over the deck railing because of the way the stairs angled. Scott was in the bed of the truck, I was on the ground (I have muscles!! really I do, or did) Mike was on the deck...we pass the sofa over, the bed wall of the truck, I steady it as it comes out then hand off to Mike, Scott passes the end out to me, I'm holding the end while Scott gets out of the truck bed ...Mike is walking backward to get inside, he trips over the door jamb...sofa tips and pivots on the deck railing fulcrum...all the weight transfers rapidly to me...I'm not that strong..sofa lands on my head...horrible crunch, nauseating pain, numbness, cussing, apology, really nauseated...guys check me for concussion, but none of us considers that my neck may have just been really screwed up.

I remember the next morning is pretty bad, but I just figured it was too much fun the night before, life goes on for the next 16 or so years....

and today we have 2-7 all in various states of herniation, at least one of them went in 2 different directions pressing on my spinal cord and peripheral nerves, 3 old compression fractures, bone spurs in both central canal and on foramin again pressing on nerves and spinal cord, ligament hypertrophy, retrolisthesis... neurologically I was showing hoffmann's sign, babinski reflex, hyper-reflexia, impaired tandem walk in other words..... ...a mess all rapidly leading to paralysis!

I've been fused, de-spurred and have central cord syndrome until it decides to go away or stay with me or whatever it decides to do...not so bad considering I waited so long. The cord syndrome is what's making life so much fun right now!! The zombie-like gait, shaking hands (looks like a coffee overdose), inability to type words the first time out...because my fingers don't respond well and end up confused...everything is slow. It's really all good considering I was staring down total paralysis...partial paralysis really isn't such a bad thing, just more inconvenient and comical...until the blues hit ....then I have only to remember how much fun we had that night

Sadly the couch is no longer with us, but it was for many years, I held my son on it, slept on it and loved dear couchy!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

my funny friday

this was a copy over from fb...but I am sharing this post with ppl who aren't in the super secret club


My day was an epic comedy of errors...I'm still laughing or (was until my son got a D+ on a math test...)

...voice still out, swelling nasty, was going to stay in bed, Darlene came to yap with me..we planned a caper! Here goes...

Got dressed, can't raise arms to do a pony tail so i got stuck with pigtails to keep my hair from tangling in my velcro....made it down stairs mind only so muddled I need 3 trips to actually get socks...outfit...purple pigtails, maroon FSU shirt, jeans too big and rolled up...Doc Martens (of to a great lezstart)...hands really weak numb and shaking today...i was shaving raw chicken off a frozen breast for my kitty...right hand didn't work well, knife skidded into left thumb...didn't 'feel' the sharp but the stop was quite firm...the oh shit response hit about the same time as the fainting feeling...bled through the first butterfly and bandage...couldn't open much thumb bandaged (finally)...we get in car and i see the dropkicks CD...thinking yay Murphy's!!...empty! we rocked out to a Bryan Adams cd....we head out to Wally-world, to get a tape measure..I needed new pants and trying them on now is really hard, so i'm measuring them...leg clumsy today, tripped myself on way to sewing aisle, looked drunk line buying tape...left thumb doesn't work now because of the bandage (cut is really deep) ....can't get money out of wallet...handed the cashier like $15 dollars because I couldn't unfold it...Darlene had to handle my money...right hand too uncoordinated to zip change purse, rescued again by Darlene (yes this is looking like a person shopping with their home health companion) we're shopping, i've been in a collar for MONTHS no one says anything or asks anything until today...through clever hand signs and my phone I communicate that there was a terrible accident on the way back to my home guy was really creepy and kept following me....I'm not sure but he seemed to be flirting, it just seemed off...other 2 ppl who ask are really nice :-)....a 20something hit on me too...(really boosted my ego) we decide we want a movie...still can't talk, Darlene's knee had swollen and she couldn't walk...I walked into the video store confident I would find Rent...i walked around with my notebook and pen until i found a store clerk, then passed rent...I'm laughing like an idiot right now as I type this...perhaps the best part was hanging prom dresses around Darlene's neck so we could pretend we were at prom together!! LOL Best day in a long time :-D