Sometimes in our lives we all question the path we’ve chosen. Something cataclysmic might spurn us into these lengthy mental diatribes. Stages shifting in life might cause a mental swirl of what ifs…sometimes life itself draws us in. Whatever the reason, we attack ourselves, our very ability to make good decisions.
I was questioning my path a month or so ago. I’m 40 and feel pretty confused by everything right now. I wondered if I had wasted my life. I also wondered if I was ruining the lives of those around me. When I was 19 my life was wide open, I made the choices I did and felt very confident in those choices…(well as secure as anyone like me can feel). Largely I have been content in my life, pleased with the choices I have made. Something happened recently and it really shook me up. I started to wonder if I had made the ‘right’ choices or not. I was wondering If I was the best example of wife and Mother (of course not!!) Did I make the wrong turn on that trip through Albuquerque??? Why am I still so immature? That was another thing I started to question…diffusing situations with humour yet taking myself too seriously (how insane am I really??)…everything started to feel off center and nothing made sense. Merrily I was tripping down the trail of what-ifs following the bread crumbs of the lost and disconsolate.
Then I got a map….also known as another serious wakeup call
Since that time, I’ve had glimpses…glimpses of paths not taken. As I looked down the paths and saw the different futures that might have been; watched the unfurling leaves on the trees not passed, saw the flowers not smelled and the rosy path not taken…it hit me (like a sofa). Sometimes the trees throw apples (just ask Dorothy), sometimes the flower is a corpse flower and the path is just a muddy rutted out trail. I realized everyone walks their own path and we’ve chosen for a reason. I am lucky….I am one of the luckiest people alive. I’ve seen what could have been and I don’t want it. At this moment I am content, I love, and I am loved…really…. what more is there?
At this moment I am content on my pink flamingo filled path; sitting in a lounge chair under my coconut tree, with the monkeys hanging from it, throwing moon pies and beads, while joyfully eating packzi and sipping coffee shaky hand and all; while writing this delightfully long run on sentence, simply because I can J