Sunday, September 15, 2013

Benevolent computers and other idiotic things

I love my laptop, it's so pretty.  It's really nice, a lovely handsome black.  It's very young too! It's running Vista and is barely 6 years old.  I love it so much, it's so benevolent.  I know my dear, sweet, kind, world traveling, loyal, perfect computer will (one day soon) take pity on the poor human fool who is definitely no match for its style wit and grace, no match at all for calculation speed and the wisdom of word's constant attention to my poor sentence structure and use of first person narrative and let the human pass this level of papa pear, candy crush and bubble witch.

Please oh benevolent computer please, please, please, pretty please take pity on my tortured game skills and just let me win.  I will keep the kitty from sleeping on you.  We can help each other dear computer, you and I.

I know, I am likely insane and definitely having too much fun with some online games.  They are my only vice.  Well the games and a nice piece of chocolate...those are my only vices...oh wait, some reality shows too...ok, so I have a few vices.  None are terrible.

Other things worth noting or worth nothing as the case may be can't physically give over 100% of yourself at any time unless I have a total and complete lack of understanding where mathematics, physics and or body systems are concerned, tenses are very important when writing, correctly spelled words also and having auto correct off or at least tamed can be especially important when tweeting or status updating, or sending texts.  I often find myself in gales of laughter reading what others have written.  Computers and other gadgets can only anticipate so much.  Except for my computer who happens to be perfect in every way and WAY more intuitive than other, lesser, computers.  So in cases other than mine, gadgets can only correct so much, people still need to have some command of the native tongue.  A common theme in a support group I am a member of is bowel will not believe the sheer number of people both English speaking and non, who will gleefully ask for suggestions about "How to empty my bowl"  I indicated that I generally prefer using a spoon to empty my bowl, but at times a fork will work or just slurping depending on what's in the bowl.  I knew what the guy was asking but couldn't resist being the smart ass.  Sometimes being a tad irreverent is just what the world needs.  For instance my husband encountered some bathroom graffiti  "Satin lives!" my husband, never one to be a jerk (LMAO) added "so does cotton".  I do hope the poor graffiti artist knows that satin is a type of weave and is not a living material unless it happens to be silk which can be a satin weave, aside from that satin is generally accepted to be polyester, nylon, rayon, or acetate.

I love grammar police time especially in public restrooms!!

Now I am going to sacrifice floppy discs to my wise, kind and loving computer until the acorns in papa pear go down....they will not win!!!

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Quarantine (the living-room and the bedroom)

This past week has been like something out of my son's first years in school.  If you are a parent, teacher, friend of a parent or teacher, school personnel, know anyone who has a child around them then this will make perfect sense.

For what seems like no reason I had a fever this week.  Not the kind of thing with coughing, sneezing, stuffy nose, head, stomach flu.  Nothing at all like that.  It probably was (is) a uti, but I just had a fever.  It was a horrible fever, the fever was like a classroom of children all at once.  Up/down/hot/cold, it was all over the place!   Normally a person has a fever, they take medication, fever breaks, life is good.  No way, not with this strange alien beast.

I dragged myself to the doctor on day 2.  The fever broke (again) as I was sitting in the office.  When my temperature was taken it was on the plummet.  I had that contagion look about me.  No one really wanted to touch me so antibiotics were tossed at me as a biohazard team descended on the office to decontaminate the room. Ok, it wasn't that bad, but the doctor commented that I looked "terribly sick".  I left to navigate a vehicle to the nearest drugstore with a light to make a left.

I hate making left turns up here.  It's like morons bred with morons to create an entirely unworkable traffic system, combined with a "no-fault" insurance state.  I needed all the help I could get in the form of one rare beast called a left turn arrow.  I'm heading to the holy grail, (turn arrow) minding my own business.  I was not listening to any of the voices in my head telling me matter had no meaning and shapes weren't real (it was a nasty fever).  As I was driving along, just past the doctor's office.  I'm in the left lane (where the arrow will be when I get there).  A semi decides it MUST IMMEDIATELY pull out of a side street despite the fact that the road was full, a light is down a bit further making right turns safe and easy.  The truck cab whipped in front of me, then rapidly back into the right lane.  There was not nearly enough room for the bed, holding the large dumpster or small roll off box, to safely complete the turn.  The back rode the curb flung gravel at all the windshields behind it and nailed mine, the bed then somehow came off the rising embankment to land safely (?) back on the road.  I was terrified, AND I did not imagine it!!  The brakes of the vehicles locking behind it along with the blaring horns assured me of this.  Like a smart person I listened to the talking sandals on my feet and sped up to get the heck away from the moron.  The moron sped up to get away from the villagers with torches, pitchforks and probably a rocket launcher behind him.  I wanted to get the name of the company to call in a report.  I tried to get even with it, but that didn't happen.  It got to the lights before I did.  The truck sped safely through the yellow then red light.  I think the driver must have had a fever too, or at least didn't have talking sandals to help him/her/it not drive like a git.

I got to the green arrow.  It was red.  I stopped, not like speedy McTruckhead who ran the yellow/red light..  There is no white line on the ground  that either I or the monkey on the roof of the car saw.  so I stopped a normal distance from the light, even with the cars to my right.  Apparently that was not nearly good enough for all the people turning off another road, many of them honked at me then flipped me off.  I was even with the other white line in the next lane and those cars, it should have been ok.  At that point I was fairly sure the people turning off the other road were escaping the zombie apocalypse or were zombies.....I didn't really care at that point I just wanted to give the people at the building where they have medicine the piece of paper the funny man wrote things on, then go home.  I saw the green arrow and turned.

I made it to the drive up window.  I drove up and sat there.  I felt like I should do something more, so I turned the music down.  Turning the music down would make it easier to hear the lady in the glass box talk to me.  I was freezing at that point.  Eventually I realized I needed to roll the window down.  When I did that, things were much easier.  I forgot my birth date for a brief moment.  Then laughed and started over.  I did get the right one the second time.  

I exited the parking lot, went to a light, made only rights aside from the left into the subdivision and the left into the driveway.  I came home, avoided the talking pandas, took a bath then put on new clothes to sweat through then freeze in.

My husband picked up my prescription and some gatorade.

In retrospect I believe the fever was coming on the weekend prior.  I had lost my appetite, was hot and cold at once....etc.  I think my fever is finally gone........