Friday, April 29, 2011

I like the letter "L"

I need to write something uplifting and happy...I am blue today, so I'll do what I do best and...yap about nothing of importance.

I really like the letter L. Honestly! It's in some of my favorite things, lazy, pillow, sleep, lemons, linoleum, lollipop, lullaby, love, lovely, light, life. I love this letter, the long, loopy, lazy strokes. If you do it right you can make dragonfly wings with "l's". I love L words, like, lift, leap, long, light, legacy, lemondrop. I love the sound, it's almost a song you sing. It's a happy sound to me. Some letters aren't used much, but if you look around there are "l's" everywhere.

When I think of happy letters "L" is a happy letter. It's tall and proud, it's understated or fancy; loopy or plain...sadly it is not in the word insane...which is what this post is!

When I get blue I try to find something to take my mind away and lift it to a loftier....ummm...layer??? Ah level works! I was flopped on the sofa texting with my lovely sister, she informed me was lacking in the blogging arena...I started to wonder what I could bore all you lovely people with...then it hit me, just like that Sesame Street la la linoleum...if you don't know what I mean the link is below...

I LOVE that song!! I love all those things and my son asks for lumps in his cream of wheat.

I know I get really caught up worrying about everything...Did I make the right choice 20 years ago? Did I pick the right hotel? Did I plan the wrong vacation? Did I say the right thing to a friend before I never saw them again? Did I offend anyone today? Did I kiss the right people in high school? Did I kiss enough people in high school? Why did I do that? I need to put the brakes on and relax...I need to look for the "l's" in my life and fill it with lightbulbs, linoleum, and lemons! LOL worry thoughts have very few "l's" not like...I love my life and am happy to be living it...and I love my sister! :-)

Now that I have thoroughly caused you all to wonder why you are reading this lame blog anyway...I thank you for doing it! Healing is going slowly, it has me down...I am really hard on myself, harder than I would ever be on another person. I'm just seeking my new level of normal. I think by the time I adapt...normal will be different...oh no...I'll need another insane post idea! I think the season change is hitting me hard, I see seasons and life as intertwined...this is the season of rebirth (in the US) spring is for cleaning and renewal...I feel anything but like cleaning and renewing. I still want to hide in my cave, but like the lovely butterfly, I can't keep hiding out forever. I guess I'll do what I can, find my "L's" where I am and love my lameness. Learning also starts with L.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Watch "Hot Chip - "Over and Over"" on YouTube

this is now stuck in my head and the lovely green has burned into my brain


Somewhere there has to be a balance. I didn't consider unloading/ loading a dishwasher, mild grocery shopping, fixing dinner, folding a few loads of laundry and slowly moseying a shade under a mile as...too much. Apparently it was too much. I have consumed enough water for 3 people since last night, my right arm is about as useful and lively as a pillow, (oh pillows are useful...and soft) and I am about as perky as a child doing chores. Fun times in our house! Can you stand the action?

Hopefully I figure out this balance soon. Really hope there's no juggling involved. I've never been coordinated, can't imagine it would start now....but if coordination suddenly does occur, I could really have fun! Walking, talking, chewing gum and texting all at the same time! I wouldn't use it for anything useful of course, no belated ballet career, painting, or juggling. Just normal nefarious activities, which I probably can already do reasonably well now. It would be nice to have more finesse so I didn't worry so much about being spotted while busying myself with non-criminal totally law abiding wholesome knitting and here....

I do wonder what really graceful people feel like when something changes that. My life isn't much affected by things, but how devastated would I be if I'd had to give up a career, or really alter my life...Thank God I'm a lazy klutz!

Posting from phone....(touch keyboard is the secret)

Monday, April 25, 2011

green grass

The grass is always greener in someone else's least that's what my cat thinks. I walk him on a leash, he is way too irresponsible to be off on his own! For some reason he thinks that he can actually catch a bird while walking on a bright blue leash and dragging a human along behind him.

Kung Pao was probably one of Mother Theresa's nuns in a past life, or someone else really good. I have no idea how wonderful of a person you would have to be to come back as a Kung Pao. he is pure poetry in motion. He can communicate through the floors, we can quite literally feel his needs. He was in the basement, locked in my husband's workout husband actually felt him needing something and went downstairs to check it out. Kung Pao was sitting primly in the room, just waiting to be released. He went through chemo for lymphoma and never missed a beat. He was in remission for maybe a month before it came back. He REALLY hates the car, so we decided (with the advice of his awesome vet!!) to put him on Chinese herbals and prednisone....3 years and counting...knock on wood :-) Pao is full of love and life.

Somehow he seems to know exactly what a person needs. I've been up and down emotionally lately. I don't feel like myself anymore. Nothing feels the same, things just don't work right. Rubbing him doesn't feel the same anymore. I used to love the silky feel of his ears and his fur; I can still feel it just feels different. Everything feels different. He knows something is up but he isn't sure what. Poor Kung Pao tolerates my incessant tossing and turning. He still insists on sleeping with me or on me even when he gets no sleep. I think he does this as much for me as he does because it's his habit. When I feel my worst he is there. I crawl on my pity pot for a while and he joins me. Saturday was my worst day in a while. I went to a Good Friday service, there were a lot of heavy bass nerves don't like vibrations. Friday afternoon and evening my arm was spasming, I couldn't sleep, everything was really symptomatic. (all this is really hard to understand much less describe) I spent pretty much all of Saturday and most of Sunday recuperating. It seems easy to just lie in stasis when this happens, but not doing something drives me up a wall. I feel useless, I get down, then Pao reminds me that all I really need to do is provide a soft spot for my family and friends to land. I don't have to run any races, I don't really have to do anything except just be there...that's my job. The guys can cook...(that's hard to accept) The guys can exist, but they need me for my "Momness" and "Wifeness". I am not sure where I fit into all this right now. I am going through a lot. I am trying to take it one day at a time. I am trying to cut myself some slack. I am trying to learn from Kung Pao.

Today was a great day. I woke up and felt like getting out of bed. (yay) I had enough energy to wash my hair. (barely...yay) I went to the store. (yay...ok husband drove) I folded 2 loads of laundry, made dinner, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and am going to pick up my son from school...(YAY!) This has been my most energetic day since the anemia hit after the cord situation got worse. Maybe it's because Pao got a new Easter basket to sleep in yesterday, maybe it's because things are healing...don't know, but I do know...I love Kung Pao......and the grass really is greener in the neighbor's yards because they fertilize.

Used the big girl computer... :-)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

No good vibrations

No sweet was horribly, horrible in a horrid sort of way.  It could possibly have led to horrific experiences. 
I experienced my first run in with loud, penetrating bass vibrations on Friday.  I had experienced road trip jerky vibrations, steering wheel driving vibrations, shopping cart crippled wheel vibrations.....but not the deep soul modifying bass I met on Friday.  First, the service was AWESOME!  The music built and felt great, the bridge grew louder then launched into a new build.  The bass is the kind you FEEL inside you, it moves you.  Well I got moved, my right arm produced an impressive tremor.  My diaphragm then started the counterpoint with a lovely arpeggio of spasms.  Not to be out done by the smug upper regions, my sweet left leg decided to do the zombie shuffle.  Internal heater then informed me that we must surely be nearing the deepest reaches of the desert, now having clammy heat reaction." I just need air really!"  Neck not being noticed then decided to pull off a headache, also just for fun pull up some swelling in my throat.  Dinner suddenly became 2 pints of woodchuck/pecker cider.

I had really experienced all this stuff but on a smaller scale. I was totally unprepared for the "hot/cold vibrating vicki"  ride.
At the restaurant post service, we gathered around to gleefully watch the tremor arm in action!  Still working out the details of 'kill touch', 'oh no you ain't touch', 'no sass touch', and the super secret proto-type....'perfect child touch'  Post discussion we all got tanked and agreed that; "what good is having a perfectly acceptable disability if we can't make fun of it?"  Sadly I can NOT recarbonate beer at this point in my injury....perhaps later.

In essence...this Easter service was awesome! I was mush for a full day and still shaky, but was fun.!

Written on phone....yadayada spelling, yadayada rambling...hopefully we all know what I mean....drop me a note if you don't....Cheers for some, Happy Easter for others, Christos anesti for you,  love you all, no matter what this season says or does for you.  I am grateful for you all. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Daisy Head Mayzie was a trail blazer

I'm not sure what I would do if a daisy were to suddenly spring from my head.  I would like to think I'd sing a song and head to San Francisco while wearing flowers in my hair.  I think I would accept a daisy with grace and dignity....possibly an occasional hat.  Daisy head Mayzie may have been alarmed, but her life went on.  She was badgered and blamed, then marked with shame.  Treated like a circus act and separated from family and friends, her loneliness and sadness caused the daisy's demise.  It left her alone to fit in again, but her daisy popped up now and again.  Life is funny like that.  Our differences just don't stop.

If more of us grew flowers on their heads and accepted those who did, what a lovely garden the world would be.  Wild....Free...Life filled with rainbows and nothing beige in sight; but we can't all be daisies, we need roses, thistles, lilacs, sun flowers and more! Were we all daisies, then daisies would all be the norm.

We each fill our own little role, I love my daisies.  So if you see me draped in flowers, you'll know I love Mayzie and her trail blazing daisy.  She wore her uniqueness with pride.  We should all be so bold.

Writing from my phone...hope autocorrect isn't insane. 

Monday, April 18, 2011

lessons I'm too daft to learn

"...why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if i live or die...."
"'re just a waste of time, you're just a babbling face..."
"....I'm relying on your common decency,So far it hasn't surfaced But I'm sure it exists..."

I studied at the knees of The Smiths, The Cure and Depeche Mode. You would think that by now I would realize, that some people have no concern for others. You would think that after all the many hours I spent worshiping at the church of logic sin and love, that I would know for certain that "this is real, this is now, this is a freak show baby anyhow" But no! I remain today as idealistic and trusting as a lamb led to slaughter.

I continue to be sucked into the quagmire and desperation of this toxic leech of an acquaintance. I feel sorry for people. When I see someone lonely, hurting, desperate...I want to help. I operate under the rainbow canopy of altruism and empathy. I blindly assume that all people who say I just need an ear or a friend or to vent really mean I invest time, energy, emotion. I wrongly assume that because someone uses the term "friend" that they actually know what it means. I am also just naive enough to believe when someone asks me how I'm doing they really care.

Which leads me to another thing....if any of you are guilty of asking "how are you doing?" but don't want to know, or really care....why even ask?....just spare yourselves the time and lies. Don't waste the energy...just lead off with "hey let's talk non stop about me and how endearing I am!" Sorry It needed to be said....

When, when, when will I learn? Will learning this lesson change who I am? Will it harden me? I don't want to lose my flowers, rainbows, and rose tinted sunglasses. I don't want to be beige, I don't want to be a wall. Is there a balance between being a doormat and being welcoming? How do I sever these toxic ties? Is the moon really made of green cheese? I really don't know what the answers are.

NO! it is not my husband....I know you're reading this too (lol). You drive me insane but in a really good way :-)

So, maybe there's hope for me...maybe not.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The beans just burned

I tried following it, a recipe for baked beans. I make pretty good baked beans normally. I knew the recipe looked light on liquid, I also don't normally follow a recipe....two recipes for disaster already!!
I tried turning the pork chops into pulled pork...
It was even kind of funny, nothing working out quite right. It was up there with Monday's great bun fiasco.....Thousand Island does NOT fry like Mayo on a gets black and sticky. I tried something new and it didn't work...oh well. Move on. I was proud that I accomplished something today. I was looking forward to tomorrow's adventures.

I wasn't even that down on myself for the failed recipe and the tough pork until someone told me how well a;
"friend" healed from "this exact same surgery" "well it took a long time....6 weeks" "I bet you just feel great with this nice weather it must be so much easier for you, you sound good"

(can you hear me screaming?)

Then I just felt like an utter failure, can't do beans, can't do pork, can't sleep, can't even heal right!! Today seems fraught with trial and error. I keep "trying" to sleep, "trying" to heal, "trying" to not be a wet blanket.....nothing is working quite right.

I whined and got misty, I sat on the couch feeling like a loser....then I opened a couple cans of beans, I'm working again on the chunks of pork, I got mad, I got surly, but I'm working on it. I've never healed well, I knew that. Everyone who knows me knows that. My friends and family still seem to like me even if I go back and forth healing. It can also lead to some funny moments.

I'm actually really happy the friend healed so well and so fast...but the last thing a person needs to hear is how they "should be feeling" We're all different and life affects everyone differently. I have friends going through fusion now, or soon, a friend recently went through it...I'm thrilled to hear how well they are doing. I'm happy to share my experience and point out that I am not a good yardstick for healing.
I really hurts being compared with other people. That's my problem though and I'll figure out how to deal with it eventually. I think my emotions might be a little raw right now. It could be lack of sleep. It's hard not to compare ourselves to others, but I try to draw the line at comparing's just not wise.

So onward and upward...I'll get it together.

I'm using the big girl computer, but I still ramble don't I??

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Neck Solstice

The 12 of this month, April, is the sixth month since my neck was 'normal'.  It's been a really long 6 months! I'm just over two months post op now. I can finally speak normally again, meaning I sound pretty much like me, it still tires easily. I can swallow normally. Again, my throat tires. I can feel the plate sometimes, other times no. When I get upset, it feels like my throat is closing. I'm still dealing with numbness, weakness, overwhelming fatigue, etc. 
It really isn't that bad. I've never been graceful, I've never had an awesome voice, I don't need lots of I DON'T HAVE TO WEED!!!! This would all be really devastating had I been a dancer, singer, surgeon, or did fine hand work....but since my most technical moves are chopping onions It's good.  Having some energy would be nice.
Not sure what the next neck solstice will bring, but this one will be marked with a beer. I will probably also listen to some really uplifting music, The Cure, The Smiths, Depeche Mode....and wonder what would happen were they all to sing in a collaboration. 

So have a drink on April 12th move your neck, and put on a good song. Celebrate my solstice with
Hey Chumbawamba is good Tubthumping totally rocked!

Autofill...spelling...Thank you all for reading my ramblings.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Gerbil touch

I was holding one of our gerbils a few days ago. She went right to sleep in my hand. I held the other gerbil and the same thing happened. I have this super woman pet touch!! I've realized now my hands shake when they are symptomatic, they are like the perfect rocking chair for a gerbil! OK, so I can't hold a glass of beer, cider, vodka, water or tea reliably. I might have the grip of an 80 year old right now, but hey....I can put small furry mammals to sleep with my hands. How cool is that? My reflexes are too slow at the moment to catch one should it run away; but I have the ability to make them soundly sleep in my hands. I can't figure out where my fingers are on the keyboard half the time, but I can do something new! (yes using the big girl computer today and having so much fun figuring out how to use my fingers). This really isn't so bad. I'm learning my limits, and trying to stay within the boundaries. I've never been good at that! I can't imagine I will start now. I am trying however to listen, and take things as they come. It also would be really nice to know when something is actually injured and dealing with it immediately rather than in say.....16 years???

Mike is hoping I can harness the power and use it for evil in some sort of death touch. I would like to use it for good. Perhaps putting to sleep, (or at least in a trance) all the unruly preteens? Laying on of hands and inspiring husbands to rub wives feet? The down side is I'd have to touch lots of people. I think that would require an inordinately large amount of antibacterial hand sanitizer. Have you ever touched a preteen son??? They smell kind of strange. Husbands also smell odd after handling frozen octopus. It was our freezer he helped me clean....did you expect anything less?

Well today is better than yesterday, I'm still a bit blue but The Smiths always cheer me up.....So, I've of course attached a link!!!!!

The Smiths-Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now


As always..... spelling, especially today!! I've been backspacing more than typing!! :-)

Thursday, April 7, 2011


Happiness is foot prints in the sand on a sunny light summer morning
A ukelele playing light trilling melodies
A sheet billowing on a line Butterflies flitting in the early morning light
Dew on sunflowers
Lilac blossoms
Dust motes in the afternoon light bearing traces of the day
Crickets in the evening
Dreams in a moonlit night

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Florence and the Machine

I'm not exactly sure why I find her so exciting. I'm really not sure if It's the vocal play, the mix of instruments, or the irreverence.  She's bold and contradictory.  At any rate, all her songs seem to have a similar appeal.  I've been listening to a lot of music lately.  I've been on a Smith's, Cure, Depeche Mode, ABBA, ride.  American Pie is lurking in my mind as is more Smiths.  I Don't like Mondays is also a good song.....recently I read it was actually about a girl who went on a school shooting spree and when asked " why?" Responded with...."I don't like Mondays".   Odd, but I guess as good a reason as any to write a song.  It's so darn upbeat and catchy though.  I kind of feel bad for really liking it.  We all know we're supposed to feel sad with "Adam's Song" and feel down that Billy Joe McAllister jumped off the Tallahatchee bridge, or the Eleanor Rigby was lonely....but now I have to not like Mondays for a whole new reason....the song that made them better is also sad.  Perhaps I'll just stay in bed next Monday.

I have a major case of the blahs anyway.  :-)

As always...spelling...LOL.  

Monday, April 4, 2011


I don't like gloves in the best of times. I can't feel what my fingers are doing while wearing them and they make my hands itchy. Wearing gloves makes finger movements more cumbersome and inaccurate. I would much rather my hands be free, if cold and numb. I know it's odd...but if you know me, then you know that's pretty normal!

Right now it feels like I constantly have a pair of very thick gloves on. Over already cold numb hands. It drives me insane(er) some days, other days not so much. Today it's really annoying, not only do I have diminished dexterity but I also have this annoying itch on one palm, the back of one had feels like something is crawling on it, one hand is ice cold and the other is normal, etc.

The icy hand thing would be great in the summer! I'm not sure how long this will go on.

Things with nerves make me just feel insane, how can you feel something that isn't there? How can you not really control the things you feel? The mind wobbles, or at least mine does. Nerves are amazing and kind of frightening at the same time....those little guys control so much, like everything! I never really stopped to consider just how much goes on in our bodies. It's kind of amazing.
My mind is a little preoccupied today trying to sort out the odd sensations I'm having, so this post is kind of all over....sorry about that.

I'm glad you all are enjoying my blog....I do appreciate all of you reading it.

Thanks :-)

as always ignore misspellings please

Saturday, April 2, 2011

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Friday, April 1, 2011

Southern story telling

We southerners, as a species, are incapable of a simple hello or question. We are natural story tellers, we are natural talkers. You will know our life story in about an hour. We're fairly honest, (just don't ask if it's homemade, the hair colour is natural, what our weight is, how old we know. For the love of heaven don't ask if we use liquor in our desserts!!!!)

this might be a typical northern encounter in a store;

NL (northern lady)
SL(southern lady)
SK(shop keep)
NPIL(next person in line)
BB (bag boy)
CA(cart attendant)

NL-do you have self rising flour

that's it the end...

A typical southern encounter in a northern store;
SL-Hey, I gotta question for you.
SL-well, I’m making biscuits for my cousin’s wife because she can’t really cook but doesn’t want anyone to know it so she asked me to make em because I can keep a secret unlike some people in the family, my sister namely! Well anyway I have the Crisco, buttermilk and all the other stuff, because we’re having fried chicken, green beans and potato salad too, but I realized I don’t have any self rising flour! Now you know you can use regular flour but it won’t rise as well and the baking soda never really mixes in right with the salt. So I just need you to point me to the self rising flour.
SK-we don’t have any
SL-I’m sorry sug, did you say you don’t have any?
SL-Are you serious? Well could you mebbe tell me where I can get some because I just can’t cook right without it? I need it today these biscuits have to get made. Oh and the gravy too, I use it for that even though a lot of people don't. I even cheat and use it in cakes even when they recipe doesn't call for baking powder, it seems to work just fine. Cake flour ain't really all that special.
SK-sorry no clue
SL-to NL can you believe this? How do yall cook without self rising flour?
NL-(no response)
SL to NPIL/NL-do you know where to get any self rising flour?
NPIL/NL- sorry never seen it
SL to BB- I just don’t know how anybody up here cooks anything how do yall make biscuits?
BB- not sure, we don’t really have them
SL to CA (en route to car in shock now)- honey can you help me with these bags?
CA-sure thing
SL-I just can’t thank you enough for helpin me! I wish I had some cookies ta give ya, but here’s a dollar.
CA- oh no we can’t take tips
SL-well don’t that just beat all? I can’t believe it, they work yall so hard and don’t even let you take a tip. Now I just feel plain bad askin you to help me.
CA-it’s ok
SL-no it just ain’t right! They oughta let yall get a little something extra when you help somebody like this, see my neck hurts so bad some days I just can’t get all the stuff in the car. I dropped a sofa on it a long time ago and hurt it. You be careful and make sure you don’t drop a sofa on your head cuz it’ll come back years later to bug you. Oh fudge! I forgot to get grits while I was in there to go with the catfish, I sure hope my brother can catch some tonight yall charge a lot for it up here.

CA- what are grits and catfish

SL- launches into 45 minute description!!

I have left out all the niceties; please, honey, sug, yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir and of course thank you or thank you kindly...
Southerners are generally VERY polite....unless you cross one ;-)

Kiss my grits!!

G.R.I.T.S girls raised in the south
S.L.U.T.S southern ladies under tremendous stress

I am both grits and sluts. I live in the north but my roots are quite southern. Southern roots run deep and broad. Southern family trees have roots like magnolias. I've attached a link about Magnolia trees if you don't understand much about them. We surround our family, we nourish each other with our knowledge of one another. Relations by marriage are just as strong and respected as direct blood relations. We are ALL family.

I am an exception to the 'don't like to be moved rule'. I miss my family down south, but my true blood family is wide spread...we are on both coasts and in the middle of the US as well. I have an incredible wanderlust. I want to see and know as much as I can. I want to understand, I want to relate, I want to connect, connect with everyone!!.........which brings me to.......southern talking.

We speak our own language and a southern woman speaks A LOT of it! The main word is yall.

yall- Contraction of you and all. never used with only one person...minimum of 2 or more. Said smooth and rolling like; ball, hall, tall, fall....if any of you reading this is from the UK there is no R. I attached a link so yall can hear yall pronounced.

you see Billy Bob, Bubba, and Tater at the local feed and seed
"Hey yall wassup?"

you've run out of sugar and run next door to get some; proper even if only one person answers the door but only if more than one person lives there

"Hey yall got any sugar I can borrow?"

If it's a widder's house or a spinster you say
widder is a widow
"Hey you got any sugar I can borrow?"

In the next post...(I think) which is sure to be lengthy....I will address southern interactions with others :)

love your sluts and grits!!!