Monday, April 18, 2011

lessons I'm too daft to learn

"...why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if i live or die...."
"...you're just a waste of time, you're just a babbling face..."
"....I'm relying on your common decency,So far it hasn't surfaced But I'm sure it exists..."

I studied at the knees of The Smiths, The Cure and Depeche Mode. You would think that by now I would realize, that some people have no concern for others. You would think that after all the many hours I spent worshiping at the church of logic sin and love, that I would know for certain that "this is real, this is now, this is a freak show baby anyhow" But no! I remain today as idealistic and trusting as a lamb led to slaughter.

I continue to be sucked into the quagmire and desperation of this toxic leech of an acquaintance. I feel sorry for people. When I see someone lonely, hurting, desperate...I want to help. I operate under the rainbow canopy of altruism and empathy. I blindly assume that all people who say I just need an ear or a friend or to vent really mean that...so I invest time, energy, emotion. I wrongly assume that because someone uses the term "friend" that they actually know what it means. I am also just naive enough to believe when someone asks me how I'm doing they really care.

Which leads me to another thing....if any of you are guilty of asking "how are you doing?" but don't want to know, or really care....why even ask?....just spare yourselves the time and lies. Don't waste the energy...just lead off with "hey let's talk non stop about me and how endearing I am!" Sorry It needed to be said....

When, when, when will I learn? Will learning this lesson change who I am? Will it harden me? I don't want to lose my flowers, rainbows, and rose tinted sunglasses. I don't want to be beige, I don't want to be a wall. Is there a balance between being a doormat and being welcoming? How do I sever these toxic ties? Is the moon really made of green cheese? I really don't know what the answers are.

NO! it is not my husband....I know you're reading this too (lol). You drive me insane but in a really good way :-)


So, maybe there's hope for me...maybe not.

1 comment:

Eve said...

It hurts like hell to have a 'friend' who just seems to be a using leech..but in the end you have to just never mind what they think or do..try not to let it affect your life to any great degree. You are a good person, you are a stranger to me and you reached out to me when you saw that I was in a pain that you could relate to...I really appreciate that so much..unfortunatley people like you who are open and sensitive and caring are often vulnerable to the leeches of the world. It fucking sucks..try not to let it change the way you relate to people...this person,(or people)is the one with the problem,not you. Just remember that and stay true to yourself and who you are. Remember to take care of yourself! Here's to pain free days and peace in your life!! :))