Both sides now

This song has been a part of my life as far back as memories go.  Different parts called to my life at different times.  When i was very young i only heard the lines about the clouds.  I started looking for angel hair, fairy castles, princesses and princes, knights on white steeds, puff the magic dragon, the other side of the rainbow, i skipped rope and dreamt of a world with long blond hair, in jeans with ruffles on the legs, and mary janes with high heels.  I ate marathon bars, choco-lite, i chewed ice cream gum and had pig tails.  I knew i could fly into those clouds! 
Reality hit my world and i realized they were just beautiful escapes...but the world is here you can't jump into a cloud and wish it all away.
Seeing them from both sides they are essential, so perfect and free, like our hearts and dreams should be.
My prince would come i was sure!  We would ride in cars at night.  We would listen to disco and 80's music reminding us to hold on to 16 as long as we could.  It would be perfect, he would see only me, i would see only him.  There would be magic!  I would have dates. 
Love didn't turn out that way.  Love has flaws and to love our spouse, partner, or lover...we must see those flaws and accept them.  We break the pedestals we created while watching clouds and dreaming dreams.  If we love our spouse we fill the flaws, help them stand tall and hold them while they teach us to find new clouds together, yet still share the sky with our own visions and glimmers of perfection. 
I've changed and am no longer the person I planned to be.  I've  looked at me from both sides now the me I was, the me I am.  I don't recognize the girl I was until the clouds roll by.  I see her watching feeling free, I see her watch her son and sigh; with hopes and dreams for him not done.  I see her watch her husband and wonder how they found each other.
Life is something I will never undetstand......at least i hope not.  It's up there in a fairy castle in the air.
I see another world from.both sides too.  The feelings, movements all askew.  We meet new friends they teach us to cope, laugh and help others see the lovely clouds in a new world where many clouds are dark and ugly.  At times feeling lost and in a storm but with our clouds, broken pedestals and new formed plans we build our fairy castles more accessible.  They fit our new lives with broken fairy wings.  Puff the magic dragon comes, we take rides and give him hugs, we see those princes, and angels flowing hair.  We see it all with wonder and awe....
I see it all from both sides now...

I like the letter "L"

I need to write something uplifting and happy...I am blue today, so I'll do what I do best and...yap about nothing of importance.

I really like the letter L. Honestly! It's in some of my favorite things, lazy, pillow, sleep, lemons, linoleum, lollipop, lullaby, love, lovely, light, life. I love this letter, the long, loopy, lazy strokes. If you do it right you can make dragonfly wings with "l's". I love L words, like, lift, leap, long, light, legacy, lemondrop. I love the sound, it's almost a song you sing. It's a happy sound to me. Some letters aren't used much, but if you look around there are "l's" everywhere.

When I think of happy letters "L" is a happy letter. It's tall and proud, it's understated or fancy; loopy or plain...sadly it is not in the word insane...which is what this post is!

When I get blue I try to find something to take my mind away and lift it to a loftier....ummm...layer??? Ah level works! I was flopped on the sofa texting with my lovely sister, she informed me was lacking in the blogging arena...I started to wonder what I could bore all you lovely people with...then it hit me, just like that Sesame Street song....la la la linoleum...if you don't know what I mean the link is below...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ3eiaK6LAU

I LOVE that song!! I love all those things and my son asks for lumps in his cream of wheat.

I know I get really caught up worrying about everything...Did I make the right choice 20 years ago? Did I pick the right hotel? Did I plan the wrong vacation? Did I say the right thing to a friend before I never saw them again? Did I offend anyone today? Did I kiss the right people in high school? Did I kiss enough people in high school? Why did I do that? I need to put the brakes on and relax...I need to look for the "l's" in my life and fill it with lightbulbs, linoleum, and lemons! LOL worry thoughts have very few "l's" not like...I love my life and am happy to be living it...and I love my sister! :-)

Now that I have thoroughly caused you all to wonder why you are reading this lame blog anyway...I thank you for doing it! Healing is going slowly, it has me down...I am really hard on myself, harder than I would ever be on another person. I'm just seeking my new level of normal. I think by the time I adapt...normal will be different...oh no...I'll need another insane post idea! I think the season change is hitting me hard, I see seasons and life as intertwined...this is the season of rebirth (in the US) spring is for cleaning and renewal...I feel anything but like cleaning and renewing. I still want to hide in my cave, but like the lovely butterfly, I can't keep hiding out forever. I guess I'll do what I can, find my "L's" where I am and love my lameness. Learning also starts with L.

cracker jack peanuts

Why is it that some things are never really the way they are supposed to be? Take Cracker Jacks for instance; Cracker Jacks look and sound so promising! When you finally manage to pry the lid open on the hard, sad, somehow sticky box; they are generally all clumped together in a rather sad looking mass. You persevere anyhow to get to the prize...then it happens....you hit a peanut! How can they always, always, always taste like rancid oil coated with varnish!! For some reason you suffer through the box, because when you were four your Aunt told you it was rude to be wasteful and because you KNOW the ring is at the bottom...the paper feels rather flat...too flat even for one of the whistles...wait, this isn't a nifty paper packet to open it's some flat folded tear a tab paper fold over!?! A tacky lick and stick 'I love Cracker Jacks' tattoo?? I will not eat cracker jacks again. It always felt like such a rip off even as a child when the prizes were cool to "have to suffer" through a whole box of that stuff to get a toy. I was really unhappy when someone bought a big bag with only one prize and expected people to happily eat it and share the prize. There are people who love those things, but I've always thought they were something to be suffered through. Then it was ok because there was something cool at the end.

I am really glad life isn't too much like Cracker Jacks. There are occasional rancid peanuts, sometimes a bunch of them. Sometimes the crappy sticky corn gets stuck in your teeth. You have to brush hard to really get rid of the flavour. Like life there are some rancid sticky spots you have to deal with but I am so thankful that there is a great prize in life...the living of it!

I remember pouting and being angry when I was given Cracker Jacks as a treat. I still get kind of upset when I have a box of them. Perhaps it's the slogan "When you're really good they call you Cracker Jack" If that was good I couldn't wait to be bad! I pulled the sticker eyes off my orange VW toy car and stuck them on my Aunt's floor, (so the floor could see it was me!) I coloured outside the lines, I was often disagreeable especially when offered Cracker Jacks. Fiddle Faddle, Crunch n Munch, Poppycock, Screaming Yellow Zonkers, Caramel Corn....all those things terrified me for years! I still cringe when I see the Cracker Jacks in the store...maybe someday I'll get over the fear of rancid peanuts and glumpy caramel corn but then again it's probably about as likely as me getting over my fear of clowns!...yikes!!