Friday, November 30, 2012

Poison Apples

Apples. I don't really like apples overly much. They are ok, but I'd rather just eat other fruit or vegetables. I really like celery a lot! I make this cream cheese dip for the slices (of apple not celery...although pineapple cream cheese is great with celery as is blue cheese. Oh a bowl of blue cheese dip or buffalo dip (spicy, not the animal, (oh or maybe even the animal!...yum!) would be great too.) It's caramel flavored/flavoured.
I look forward to my apple dip. My husband now likes it and can make it! I digressed from poisoned apples however.

Apples are quite lovely to look at, but getting just one bad apple can ruin the experience and taint the opinion toward all apples. This makes sense too, when applied to people. All apples taste differently, most are beautiful in their own way and all contribute something. They fill a need in someone's life, even if it just happens to make a moment more enjoyable. It's those bad/ poison apples you have to watch out for. Bad people/bad apples are sneaky, sly, slippery...but some people just don't know this isn't how  apples are not supposed to be because they have never had anything but the bottom of the barrel.

I really hope I can avoid poison apples as long as possible. I've had a few rotten apples and the experience tainted the way I felt about other apples. It's natural to base an expectation off a prior experience. It's bad when it seems like poison, rotten and bad apples just pile on tainting everything we see. I need to offload a few bad apples!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Misheard me

More of my misheard lyrics
Because I can’t type well today but I wanted to blog..we have….more of my misheard lyrics!  I cheated and started this one a while ago, I just put the finishing few lines on it Grace at the bottom.

Greased Lighting
Go Greased Lightning you’re burning up the photomat
You are supreme the chicks are cream
With Purple Fringe tail lights and 30 inch rims oh yeah
A pal on the dashboard and fill it with lots of tins oh yeah
You know I ain’t braggin she’s a real hussy wagon

Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover
That old boy gotta change you up alright
Down we shower each other
I’ll be your everything  tonight I’ll be your mother (oops this gross line was right)
I’ll do anything to free your pain be your mom you won’t feel no shame
Sucks for me there is no other

West End Girls
Kicking in chairs and knocking down tables in a western town
Western town the damn walls eastern boys and western girls
How much is meat
Have you got it together if so how often
From Lake Geneva to the filling station (or Hunan station, I later heard that) 

Bad Moon Rising
I see a brand new horizon
I see trouble on the wing
I see paraguay’s lightning
I see a bad time today
Don’t go out tonight it’s bound to take a light
There’s a bad man on the right
I hear hurricanes of glory
I feel rivers over flowing
I hear a voice of razor ruin
One eye is taking for a ride

One Night in Bangkok
Bangkok Oriental city but the city don’t know what the city is getting
The crème de la crème of the chest swelled in it
Time flies it doesn’t seem to tear it since material bar with the chest bars in it
All change and don’t you know when you play at this level there’s no ordinary menu
The bars and temples but of course aint free
You’ll find a God in every golden oyster
It’s a dive it’s a bar it’s really such a pity to be looking at the bar not looking at the city
Low down some and sweet sommerset up when the sommerset some sweet
You’ll find a God in every golden oyster
A little flesh a little history

And what I used to pray at lunch time when there was prayer in schools…

Saying Grace
Goddess grace, Goddess good
Let us thank him for our food
Buy his hands eat all our fed
Give us Lord our daily bread.

Imagine my confusion when I had a teacher’s Aide in kindergarten in the mid 70’s with the last name Gosset.  I called her Miss Goddess and thought we were praying to her.  I also thought she made Green Goddess dressing. Yes I went to church but we said a different prayer at home, not a rote one.

Well that was a look into my misread, misheard mind….

Saturday, November 10, 2012

One-sided conversations

Are you sure its not a leftover stain from when she pooped? Did she pee there? Wasn't she locked in your bedroom overnight? Are you peeing? Where? Are you sure? How do you know? Are you outside?

Ok.....this probably made total sense when both sides of the conversation were put together and taken in context. The cinversation probably was even logical, bordering on dull. Hearing only half made it absolutely hysterical! The top few sentences were easy enough to explain away....unless a twisted mind is at play and (for the sake of hilarity) substitutes, perhaps, a toddler or elderly person in place of what was hopefully a dog or cat. Then the mental imagery just pops right out.

The task of mentally supplying the other half of the conversation becomes much more fun. Other great choices would have been, hooker, mother, sister, neighbor or the delightfully funny Jane Curtin. Nuns are too irreverant.

Imagining any of those characters while mentally filling in what the person on the other end looks like, sounds like and might say... all while keeping a straight face can be fun and challenging. The last half of the conversation is a bit more difficult to simply not just laugh out loud about! No matter how much imagining you do, there's no taking the insanity away:

Are you peeing? Where? Now that's gold(en) ;) Are you sure? How do you know? Assuming we are still talking about peeing. As for the last part, I would hope it would be in a toilet or barring that an outhouse, or porta-potty. The last two choices would support, are you outside.

Possible dialogue;
Mildred-My cousin is messing up my entire house! There's a brown stain like dried blood on my living room carpet!
Annie-Are you sure its not a leftover stain from when she pooped? Mildred-I cleaned that up last week. Annie-Did she pee there?
Mildred-No, she's never peed here. This really looks like dried blood, and I haven't seen my cousin since yesterday.
Annie-Wasn't she locked in your bedroom overnight?
Mildred- No, I let her out once she started screaming.
Annie-Are you peeing?
Mildred- Yes. Yes I am.
Mildred-In the kitchen sink of course. Annie-Are you sure?
Mildred- Of course I am! The cat is using the toilet.
Annie- How do you know?
Mildred- I saw him go into the bathroom.
Annie- Are you outside?
Mildred-No. We got the kitchen sink put back in the house last week.

The possibilities on the other end are boundless. It could even be a man..thus the hooker idea! I try to have logical conversations in public when using my cell phone; I'm guessing I probably sound this moronic too. I just hope my idiocy brings about as much merriment as this one did.

I'm going to imagine more improbable lines for this convo. Remember, people like me overhear people like you on your cell phones and imagine the other half of the conversation. I think you are a very funny person :) please keep talking on your phone in public, it gives me something to smile about.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Both sides now

This song has been a part of my life as far back as memories go.  Different parts called to my life at different times.  When i was very young i only heard the lines about the clouds.  I started looking for angel hair, fairy castles, princesses and princes, knights on white steeds, puff the magic dragon, the other side of the rainbow, i skipped rope and dreamt of a world with long blond hair, in jeans with ruffles on the legs, and mary janes with high heels.  I ate marathon bars, choco-lite, i chewed ice cream gum and had pig tails.  I knew i could fly into those clouds! 
Reality hit my world and i realized they were just beautiful escapes...but the world is here you can't jump into a cloud and wish it all away.
Seeing them from both sides they are essential, so perfect and free, like our hearts and dreams should be.
My prince would come i was sure!  We would ride in cars at night.  We would listen to disco and 80's music reminding us to hold on to 16 as long as we could.  It would be perfect, he would see only me, i would see only him.  There would be magic!  I would have dates. 
Love didn't turn out that way.  Love has flaws and to love our spouse, partner, or lover...we must see those flaws and accept them.  We break the pedestals we created while watching clouds and dreaming dreams.  If we love our spouse we fill the flaws, help them stand tall and hold them while they teach us to find new clouds together, yet still share the sky with our own visions and glimmers of perfection. 
I've changed and am no longer the person I planned to be.  I've  looked at me from both sides now the me I was, the me I am.  I don't recognize the girl I was until the clouds roll by.  I see her watching feeling free, I see her watch her son and sigh; with hopes and dreams for him not done.  I see her watch her husband and wonder how they found each other.
Life is something I will never least i hope not.  It's up there in a fairy castle in the air.
I see another world from.both sides too.  The feelings, movements all askew.  We meet new friends they teach us to cope, laugh and help others see the lovely clouds in a new world where many clouds are dark and ugly.  At times feeling lost and in a storm but with our clouds, broken pedestals and new formed plans we build our fairy castles more accessible.  They fit our new lives with broken fairy wings.  Puff the magic dragon comes, we take rides and give him hugs, we see those princes, and angels flowing hair.  We see it all with wonder and awe....
I see it all from both sides now...

There goes my mind and some minutes too...

Recently I lost my mind.  How is it possible that there was any left to lose you ask?  Surprised me too actually!!  But there was some, and also a bit of pride I lost or dignity along the way.  I know the suspense must be killing you.  How could someone as odd as I am, as well versed in tainted baby food dug from a pit, as adept at cinderblock tossing from a tree, as exposed and selfless enough to admit public tears possibly fall further down the losing one's mind scale???  Here goes....

On Halloween night I dvr'd 4 episodes of  Here Come's Honey Boo Boo!

You can choose to stop reading here and write me off as flat out insane, or you can watch the train wreck of my mind unfold...........

I see you decided to stay.  Firstly we watched the episodes out of order.  Last first, first last.  We have never had half an hour last longer.  This show is an excellent way to make more out of your day if you don't mind losing your minutes and hoping against all hope that someone gets arrested or finally tells the kid to forget pageantry and learn grammar.  I don't find, nor have I ever found "in yo face!!!" kids to be cute or worth any television time.  The death knell to many tv shows is the addition of the "cutesy kid".  The kid in question makes you want to vomit, or never watch the show again.  This entire series is centered around an "in yo face!!" bratty child, a family with some of the worst nutrition I have ever seen, and in general a blight on southern pride.  NO not white power, let's be killing folk.  Not all southerners are like that.  We love all people especially people who make good food and love their family.

In the four episodes, there was;
bobbing for raw pigs feet
a weight loss/gain challenge
Christmas in July
Farting in every episode
Cheese ball eating
Using coupons to buy nothing but over processed fatty horrible for you food
a Pig crapping on the table
a pregnant 17 year old talking about her "biscuit hurting"
a chubby plain child shoved into some outfit strugging her "stuff"
painting on a fake tan
rude kids treating their parents and each other with zero respect

I have NO idea what the station is thinking by running this drivel.  I had a respected friend tell me he watched the show and was addicted.  I decided to give it a go.  It was only worth my time because it prolonged the weekend and gave me more time with my family.

This show did remind me about my own family when I was growing up, our values, the fear of the flip flop or the belt on the behind for rude behavior.  Spankings generally ended before our teens but we were still in fear of a quick pop to the mouth for sassing or a rude word spoken to an adult.  These spankings or pop to the lips could be delivered by ANY adult and if it was someone other than your Mama or got it again.  Rudeness was simply NOT tolerated in the rural south where I grew up.  Plenty of people in Blountstown in the 1970's-80's can attest to this.  It was ok to be poor, but never ok to be rude or white trash.

The only good thing I can really say about this show is...her house looked fairly clean, and she made her bed.  I gave up making my bed, I guess I lost that bit of pride...but I also don't slide on a tarp with oil, dish washing liquid, water and mud.  I think I will take my messy bed over that.

I assume some of you reading this like the show....if you are offended by my opinion, oh well.  It's my opinion.  I don't plan to waste anymore time on this show.  I wish the family well, and I hope the kids learn some good nutrition and manners.  I fear for the youngest, it looks like another Anna Nicole Smith in the making.

I'm going to go read recipes now to figure out how to cook the coon we bought in Detroit...I am not making that up