Saturday, November 10, 2012

One-sided conversations

Are you sure its not a leftover stain from when she pooped? Did she pee there? Wasn't she locked in your bedroom overnight? Are you peeing? Where? Are you sure? How do you know? Are you outside?

Ok.....this probably made total sense when both sides of the conversation were put together and taken in context. The cinversation probably was even logical, bordering on dull. Hearing only half made it absolutely hysterical! The top few sentences were easy enough to explain away....unless a twisted mind is at play and (for the sake of hilarity) substitutes, perhaps, a toddler or elderly person in place of what was hopefully a dog or cat. Then the mental imagery just pops right out.

The task of mentally supplying the other half of the conversation becomes much more fun. Other great choices would have been, hooker, mother, sister, neighbor or the delightfully funny Jane Curtin. Nuns are too irreverant.

Imagining any of those characters while mentally filling in what the person on the other end looks like, sounds like and might say... all while keeping a straight face can be fun and challenging. The last half of the conversation is a bit more difficult to simply not just laugh out loud about! No matter how much imagining you do, there's no taking the insanity away:

Are you peeing? Where? Now that's gold(en) ;) Are you sure? How do you know? Assuming we are still talking about peeing. As for the last part, I would hope it would be in a toilet or barring that an outhouse, or porta-potty. The last two choices would support, are you outside.

Possible dialogue;
Mildred-My cousin is messing up my entire house! There's a brown stain like dried blood on my living room carpet!
Annie-Are you sure its not a leftover stain from when she pooped? Mildred-I cleaned that up last week. Annie-Did she pee there?
Mildred-No, she's never peed here. This really looks like dried blood, and I haven't seen my cousin since yesterday.
Annie-Wasn't she locked in your bedroom overnight?
Mildred- No, I let her out once she started screaming.
Annie-Are you peeing?
Mildred- Yes. Yes I am.
Mildred-In the kitchen sink of course. Annie-Are you sure?
Mildred- Of course I am! The cat is using the toilet.
Annie- How do you know?
Mildred- I saw him go into the bathroom.
Annie- Are you outside?
Mildred-No. We got the kitchen sink put back in the house last week.

The possibilities on the other end are boundless. It could even be a man..thus the hooker idea! I try to have logical conversations in public when using my cell phone; I'm guessing I probably sound this moronic too. I just hope my idiocy brings about as much merriment as this one did.

I'm going to imagine more improbable lines for this convo. Remember, people like me overhear people like you on your cell phones and imagine the other half of the conversation. I think you are a very funny person :) please keep talking on your phone in public, it gives me something to smile about.

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