Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I want that......

I am sitting here, hot, sweaty, cold, and burning.  No I am not writing from an asylum or a grill, or an oven near my satanic fridge, i am writing from my upstairs bedroom.

I have to keep a slew of pillows and blankets around.  My husband and I can't sleep in the same bed or room because I move too much, can't fall asleep, stay up later, he snores (definitely not me.  I NEVER snore)  Our marriage is much better with separate bedrooms or at least separate beds.  My son and I have bedrooms and sleep on the second floor.  There are two other bedrooms available on this level.  My husband, (and at one time son too) sleeps in the basement because it's always cool.  I envy him.  I'd sleep down there if there were a bathroom in the basement.  I would need many more blankets and pillows though.

What I want is a special magical blanket.  I am looking at my electric blanket, and sitting on my microgel mattress topper.  Why can't they make electric cooling blankets, mattress pads or gel top mattress pad.  We have electric blankets.  When we went to New Zealand (one summerwinter..our summer their winter) in June we were introduced to heating mattress pads.  Bliss!!  My aching body felt like it had been sleeping on a huge heating pad.  We looked around stores down there and found the heated mattress pads in the 'Manchester' section...that was confusing.

Technology can send people to the moon, make non stick cookware, self cleaning littter boxes, cell phones that do all sorts of stuff.  Why can technology not make an electric cooling blanket and/or mattress pad.  I could cover up the parts of me that end up freezing while the rest of me burns.  The burning parts could be soothed with cooling blankets, and a mattress pad.

Hopefully my wonderful son will become brilliant, start using his naughty for good and make electric cooling blankets....but only if they aren't secret mind control devices urging us to open our wallets to him, allow him to play xbox all day and night, while we do his chores.  My son should not make a mind control device, unless it sends out waves and suggestions to be kinder to one another.  

Sunday, August 18, 2013

To whom it may concern.

It has been a really deceitful ride so far; as a result, I'm through.  I am done with petty games, childish behavior and the blame game, back peddling, lying and selling one's soul or love to the highest bidder.  I find I don't have time for it in my busy yet loser-ish life.  It's true, I'd rather play mindless games like candy crush, papa pear and bubble witch than talk to you.  I much prefer the solace and comfort of something stable I can count on to unwind from a bad day if my friends aren't around

I much prefer spending my free time in the presence of friends I've never met, aren't likely to meet, but still we plan imaginary trips.  Despite the fact we are likely never to meet we are there for one another, good times or bad.  We are there with a laugh, a hankie or a silly song to reset emotions.  We lift each other up and tear down the people who hurt us.  We speak in anger, apologize eagerly and with love. There isn't the tension, there are no egg shells to walk on.

I am sorry for myself that you chose people who don't really matter in the grand plan of things over those who are supposed to be near and dear.  I am sorry for you that you have chosen this path.  I am also happy that I know my worth in your eyes and no longer feel the need to try to please you or drag out a horrible conversation while drying my tears.  I am happy that you have people who worship you on the altar of your vanity.  When the altar is worn thin and those around you see  you without your mask, i hope the treasure you've stored for yourself makes you happy.

I find I don't need what I never had and am happy with what I do have.

If the shoe fits



Thursday, August 15, 2013

Something moronic this way comes......

My son is playing his first year of high school football this fall.  He's excited to be working with past team mates from Jr. Football, he's excited to be working for the first time with friends of his who've played with other colors in Jr. Football (we have 6 colors).  Most of the boys are going through some early rivalries, working off testosterone on the field, name calling in disgust...which somehow leads to friendship and a bit of early camaraderie.  It looks like this is going to be a really exciting season for him providing he can keep his mind on his game and his school work.

One of the kids on the team is REALLY not cut out for football.  His parents are very much helicopter parenting.  If he turns or stops too quickly one of them is likely to wind up with a broken nose.  This kid's Mother was team mom in Jr. football....2 years ago!  Not 2 years, but one time...2 years ago.  She still wears that old team mom shirt to football events, she wore it last year.  In the code of team mom rules (unwritten) you only wear team mom shirts in public when you are that current year's team mom.  We have many unwritten team mom rules one of which includes drinking after the season is over.  I think I was a decent team mom when I did it.  Those shirts are retired for use outside the house.  I can wear them inside but only when doing something or as an undershirt.  To do otherwise would be so very uncouth, and just plain loserish.  I digress....

So the EX-team mom, walks over to the head coach for the freshman team demanding that her son be given a position.  WAKE UP CALL there are 70 kids on this team, many of them actually deserving of play time.  The coach had to yell at this boy already for being in the wrong stance repeatedly...not a little wrong, completely wrong stance.  Despite this repeated correction the coach humored the ill advised woman and put her son on the line. He kept him there for all of 2 plays then booted him.  The mother ACTUALLY told her son that "None of those people on the field is any better than you are!  You're the best you, you can be".  After I composed myself....I really did laugh a lot when my son relayed this story, I asked him if it was said in private.  Nope..out loud, in front of the entire team.  While this is apt advice in early childhood and when just learning, it must give way to reality at some point.  Once a kid is in his or her teens the life lessons need to take the place of mindless platitudes.  Reality needs to set in sooner rather than later.  Her wonderful lessons have led this 'can do no wrong child' to cheating in math class (he was caught by the teacher a few times) and dialing 911 on another kids cell then throwing it in a locker.  Because he's such a "good kid" the office refused to believe he had dialed 911.  The math teacher made him turn in his papers as is.  Redemption is possible.

This is the mentality spawning the trophies for breathing...most improved breather, most fresh breath, most improved breath..etc.  My son didn't like getting trophies for nothing.  I didn't like him getting trophies for nothing.  If this type of moronic mentality continues only morons will be breeding, spawning an entirely new moron race to fuel trophy, award, medal and plaque companies.

All of us do something moronic from time to time.  I embrace my moron tendencies....but I also would never undermine my son that way.  I am perfectly capable of undermining him in many other ways, but I draw the line at bolstering him with a false system of beliefs in himself.  Our family is proudly filled with morons capable of many moronic misdeeds on our own.  I can shake him up privately or call him a moron in front of his nearest friends.  To humiliate your teenage son and essentially say both to the coach and the child, { 'i have no faith in your ability to earn a spot son.  I also have no faith in you coach and your ability to read the players'}, I have no faith in either of you and only trust myself to run things is so not the way to start high school.

I really wish there were a quota of morons and acceptable levels of moron participation.  In order to do my part to keep the moron quota in check, I do NOT plan to join either the boosters or the PTO.  I can't feed into the morons who are on a power trip.  I will by not adding to the layer of stupidity.  I already know 2 of the other people running Boosters and PTO....the room is not big enough for all the egos that will be colliding.  If you see a supernova, someone may have ripped the ill advised team mom shirt from helicopter mom, or just told her she can't help.

That would be hysterical!

Monday, August 5, 2013

I'm scared now......

Once again I have insomnia.  I am sitting here contemplating the fact that my baby is rapidly growing up.  I see before me a teenage young man who sometimes tries to cling to his childhood.  That childhood is evaporating before my eyes.  I still want to hold him, hug  him, kiss him and make it all better with a cookie or some cuddle time.  I can get away with a few of those things now still...but not with some of his friends around.  He has a few closer friends I can hug him and tell him I love him in the presence of these friends and they won't tease him.  Can you guess which friends I prefer?

I worry that maybe his toolbox isn't quite full.  He might not have a few tools he needs to avoid something that needs to be avoided.  Own up to inadequacies, then work to make things right.  He's a very smart, child/person/young man.  I worry that maybe we've all argued a bit too much, leaving him with a penchant for arguing and picking things apart until they are understood.  Arguing is a sword that cuts both ways.  Sometimes arguing is a good thing, sometimes it's bad.  I wonder what tools he will use to solve some problems.  Recently he was faced with two bad situations.  In both he took the honorable path.  He diffused talk of a fight with an email asking if they could keep it civil for the team and just agree not to be friends.  In another situation, after a break up (the girl's mother got involved and forced the break up) he immediately took the high road.  He looked at how the relationship had been going, he realized it was a toxic situation and felt a sense of normalcy returning.  About a week later the girl called with her mother's permission and told him they could go out again.  He said things were going too fast, he wanted to slow them down.  He asked if they could just be friends.  Despite name calling from the mother and an attempt to smear his name, he simply posted that there might be some lies going around about him and posted what happened.  That takes a lot of guts for a teenager in my opinion.

Sitting in the front seat, the passenger seat of our car, I look over at the young man piloting the car.  I still see my five year old and not my almost 15 year old.  He's so careful most of the time.  Other times I am concerned because the brake pedal on the passenger side doesn't seem to be working.  It seems impossible that he's this age.  That he can safely drive, merge, turn, signal, stop and all the other things he does.

I admire his empathy.  It's instinctive for him.  It seems that it was an intrinsic value wired into his little body.  He has always cared about people around him.  He naturally comforts those in pain or sadness.  He buys food for those in need, donates his own money and asks for more to put in boxes, buckets, cans or hands.  Once when he was 6 we found him outside a museum we were exiting signing up for a newsletter and giving the last of his spending money $20 to help the Sierra Club.  He did it without thinking or asking for extra money.  We later gave him extra spending money.  The thought that animals would lose their homes moved him.  Pain and suffering move him.  He sometimes causes pain, when he does it wounds him emotionally.  There are a few people he's shown empathy to who have met him with hostility.  He forgives but doesn't forget.  They don't get his empathy anymore unless something truly bad happens in their life.

I'm scared that my job is almost over it seems.  I wonder how long he will need me.  I hope my job performance review goes well as he starts his journey into high school.  I am scared that years will pass when he grows into his own life before he realizes I still love him and he will always be my baby.  I am scared that he won't give me a good review and will feel like I was a very bad Mother, who didn't fill his toolbox adequately.

I guess it boils down to....I'm scared.......