Boring update

I am doing this on my phone....so ignore autocorrect.

It's been almost 8 months with this cord thing now.  I started writing 'complicated lives' to take my mind off myself for a while.

I guess it started the moment I woke up in the hospital.  I noticed certain things right away.  Little differences.  I was told to stay active, keep walking, do all my normal things as restrictions were lifted.  Then, whiplash. I had a setback.  That one thing delayed healing by a few months.  I ended up needing a cane to function.  My hand issues got worse, but not terrible.  I'm lucky.

June...messed up bad leg.  Can't use crutches anymore because my neck is still not happy with me.  I spent a month in a chair (yes I own one now) lost more muscle mass. 
Despite continued use of my muscles....I'm still in a bit of decline, trying to find my way back to only slightly different. 
As it stands, for long walks or outings.  I use my chair.  Shorter distances I use my cane.  I'm staying mobile and active, but it is hard work.

Most days are a struggle against a rushing tide, moving through molasses, with little energy.  No I am NOT depressed.

I won't bore you with many details.  The pain has changed, not for the better.  Healing continues.  I am healing but will never be healed.

I'm ok with this. 
My life is fine...I have little to complain about. Some days are just better than others.  This is still kind of hard to talk about.
I think the hardest/ worst part is not fitting in anywhere.  I don't belong in any one group.  I'm not the same, but neither am I too different.  It's hard to explain a walking cord injury to anyone...especially yourself.  Pardon the pun, but a walking cord injury is a lonely road to travel.  I find myself at odds with myself many times.  Also I find myself in a constant state of defensiveness in some places.  I don't get overly bothered by stares.   (don't notice them)  I find there is a bit of bitterness toward people like me....not much however from the true SCI community, (unless they are bitter angry people to start with)!  I find hatred more from pretenders.  I've actually been reduced to tears by a few people only to later learn they never had an injury at all.  I guess they must get a sick pleasure out of hurting others.

I'm not sure what else to say.  Vitamins, Calcium, adequate rest, and cutting yourself slack are all essential.  As is...sucking it up and getting on with life.  A state of stasis does nothing to help anyone, but it will cost you mobility.

Send a mssg if you'd like to know more....

Momz1970.....gmail

Mother's Day miracle

Wow! No arguing!! I could not believe it...two whole days with a minimum of whining! I thought that certainly this Mother's Day would be no different from the last 13...yeah our son is only 12 but from 99-11 is 13 in all. I was lying in bed this morning wondering when the arguing would start. When would the crying begin? How many times would I have to tell him to STOP being such a baby? Just suck it up and act your age! Quit picking fights! Every Mother's Day is usually marked with "Happy friggin Mother's Day to me!! I hate this day!!" Then I go away and hide until the bickering ends. I didn't have to call my husband down ONCE! ...or my son. Usually it's like I have two kids. One a surly pre-teen the other an annoying older brother! Fortheloveofheaven...no one...NO One....told me husbands reverted!! I have had to break up wrestling in grocery stores, "stop making fun of me" fights and "stop touching me" wars. I only have one child, or thought I did. I was terrified about this year. I'm more emotional and feel less mentally engaged. Kind of like fog brain.

Imagine my heart stopping surprise when.............

This morning all I heard were the sweet strains of "good morning" and "happy mother's day" as they presented me with my son's homemade raspberry muffins. We all ate in bed, drank coffee and talked about our plans. The guys walked to a farmer's market to get my knives sharpened and buy bread. I picked them up. We went to see Thor. I had popcorn. There were no dreaded heavy vibrations dominating the movie. We walked, shambled, around a boardwalk. We fed birds I rescued a baby turtle, we fed a muskrat. We came home and had the crock pot rabbit stew they made. We watched TV...I even took a nap! I don't nap because I am a really unpleasant person after a nap. Today I wasn't mean at all! I didn't even gripe much. HONESTLY! I only naffed a little, the sun was bright and they wouldn't stop to hold things so I could dig in my purse for my sunglasses after the movie. I wasn't even too shaky today, though an old lady got in a handrail war with me at the movie theater...I WAS there first and I really needed it more.

Yesterday was pretty perfect too. Great lacrosse game, they played hard but still lost. My son did an awesome job in goal and covering his guys. We had lunch with some dear friends. The margaritas were great! We came home, the guys loaded the canoe. They canoed, I sat on the beach and read. We came home, grilled out and I had more beer. I learned there is a very fine line in drinking with my cord injury. A certain amount of booze will help the vibrations to lessen and the tremors to slow...too much has the opposite effect. Now I need to test this line on a regular basis to find out just where it is!

So that was my Mother's Day miracle...it was perfect!!

I like the letter "L"

I need to write something uplifting and happy...I am blue today, so I'll do what I do best and...yap about nothing of importance.

I really like the letter L. Honestly! It's in some of my favorite things, lazy, pillow, sleep, lemons, linoleum, lollipop, lullaby, love, lovely, light, life. I love this letter, the long, loopy, lazy strokes. If you do it right you can make dragonfly wings with "l's". I love L words, like, lift, leap, long, light, legacy, lemondrop. I love the sound, it's almost a song you sing. It's a happy sound to me. Some letters aren't used much, but if you look around there are "l's" everywhere.

When I think of happy letters "L" is a happy letter. It's tall and proud, it's understated or fancy; loopy or plain...sadly it is not in the word insane...which is what this post is!

When I get blue I try to find something to take my mind away and lift it to a loftier....ummm...layer??? Ah level works! I was flopped on the sofa texting with my lovely sister, she informed me was lacking in the blogging arena...I started to wonder what I could bore all you lovely people with...then it hit me, just like that Sesame Street song....la la la linoleum...if you don't know what I mean the link is below...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ3eiaK6LAU

I LOVE that song!! I love all those things and my son asks for lumps in his cream of wheat.

I know I get really caught up worrying about everything...Did I make the right choice 20 years ago? Did I pick the right hotel? Did I plan the wrong vacation? Did I say the right thing to a friend before I never saw them again? Did I offend anyone today? Did I kiss the right people in high school? Did I kiss enough people in high school? Why did I do that? I need to put the brakes on and relax...I need to look for the "l's" in my life and fill it with lightbulbs, linoleum, and lemons! LOL worry thoughts have very few "l's" not like...I love my life and am happy to be living it...and I love my sister! :-)

Now that I have thoroughly caused you all to wonder why you are reading this lame blog anyway...I thank you for doing it! Healing is going slowly, it has me down...I am really hard on myself, harder than I would ever be on another person. I'm just seeking my new level of normal. I think by the time I adapt...normal will be different...oh no...I'll need another insane post idea! I think the season change is hitting me hard, I see seasons and life as intertwined...this is the season of rebirth (in the US) spring is for cleaning and renewal...I feel anything but like cleaning and renewing. I still want to hide in my cave, but like the lovely butterfly, I can't keep hiding out forever. I guess I'll do what I can, find my "L's" where I am and love my lameness. Learning also starts with L.

Me+today=sofa

Somewhere there has to be a balance. I didn't consider unloading/ loading a dishwasher, mild grocery shopping, fixing dinner, folding a few loads of laundry and slowly moseying a shade under a mile as...too much. Apparently it was too much. I have consumed enough water for 3 people since last night, my right arm is about as useful and lively as a pillow, (oh pillows are useful...and soft...so soft) and I am about as perky as a child doing chores. Fun times in our house! Can you stand the action?

Hopefully I figure out this balance soon. Really hope there's no juggling involved. I've never been coordinated, can't imagine it would start now....but if coordination suddenly does occur, I could really have fun! Walking, talking, chewing gum and texting all at the same time! I wouldn't use it for anything useful of course, no belated ballet career, painting, or juggling. Just normal nefarious activities, which I probably can already do reasonably well now. It would be nice to have more finesse so I didn't worry so much about being spotted while busying myself with non-criminal totally law abiding wholesome activities...like knitting and such....lol...snickering here....

I do wonder what really graceful people feel like when something changes that. My life isn't much affected by things, but how devastated would I be if I'd had to give up a career, or really alter my life...Thank God I'm a lazy klutz!

Posting from phone....(touch keyboard is the secret)

green grass

The grass is always greener in someone else's yard...at least that's what my cat thinks. I walk him on a leash, he is way too irresponsible to be off on his own! For some reason he thinks that he can actually catch a bird while walking on a bright blue leash and dragging a human along behind him.

Kung Pao was probably one of Mother Theresa's nuns in a past life, or someone else really good. I have no idea how wonderful of a person you would have to be to come back as a Kung Pao. he is pure poetry in motion. He can communicate through the floors, we can quite literally feel his needs. He was in the basement, locked in my husband's workout room....my husband actually felt him needing something and went downstairs to check it out. Kung Pao was sitting primly in the room, just waiting to be released. He went through chemo for lymphoma and never missed a beat. He was in remission for maybe a month before it came back. He REALLY hates the car, so we decided (with the advice of his awesome vet!!) to put him on Chinese herbals and prednisone....3 years and counting...knock on wood :-) Pao is full of love and life.

Somehow he seems to know exactly what a person needs. I've been up and down emotionally lately. I don't feel like myself anymore. Nothing feels the same, things just don't work right. Rubbing him doesn't feel the same anymore. I used to love the silky feel of his ears and his fur; I can still feel it just feels different. Everything feels different. He knows something is up but he isn't sure what. Poor Kung Pao tolerates my incessant tossing and turning. He still insists on sleeping with me or on me even when he gets no sleep. I think he does this as much for me as he does because it's his habit. When I feel my worst he is there. I crawl on my pity pot for a while and he joins me. Saturday was my worst day in a while. I went to a Good Friday service, there were a lot of heavy bass vibrations...my nerves don't like vibrations. Friday afternoon and evening my arm was spasming, I couldn't sleep, everything was really symptomatic. (all this is really hard to understand much less describe) I spent pretty much all of Saturday and most of Sunday recuperating. It seems easy to just lie in stasis when this happens, but not doing something drives me up a wall. I feel useless, I get down, then Pao reminds me that all I really need to do is provide a soft spot for my family and friends to land. I don't have to run any races, I don't really have to do anything except just be there...that's my job. The guys can cook...(that's hard to accept) The guys can exist, but they need me for my "Momness" and "Wifeness". I am not sure where I fit into all this right now. I am going through a lot. I am trying to take it one day at a time. I am trying to cut myself some slack. I am trying to learn from Kung Pao.

Today was a great day. I woke up and felt like getting out of bed. (yay) I had enough energy to wash my hair. (barely...yay) I went to the store. (yay...ok husband drove) I folded 2 loads of laundry, made dinner, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and am going to pick up my son from school...(YAY!) This has been my most energetic day since the anemia hit after the cord situation got worse. Maybe it's because Pao got a new Easter basket to sleep in yesterday, maybe it's because things are healing...don't know, but I do know...I love Kung Pao......and the grass really is greener in the neighbor's yards because they fertilize.

Used the big girl computer... :-)

The beans just burned

I tried following it, a recipe for baked beans. I make pretty good baked beans normally. I knew the recipe looked light on liquid, I also don't normally follow a recipe....two recipes for disaster already!!
I tried turning the pork chops into pulled pork...
It was even kind of funny, nothing working out quite right. It was up there with Monday's great bun fiasco.....Thousand Island does NOT fry like Mayo on a bun...it gets black and sticky. I tried something new and it didn't work...oh well. Move on. I was proud that I accomplished something today. I was looking forward to tomorrow's adventures.

I wasn't even that down on myself for the failed recipe and the tough pork until someone told me how well a;
"friend" healed from "this exact same surgery" "well it took a long time....6 weeks" "I bet you just feel great with this nice weather it must be so much easier for you, you sound good"

(can you hear me screaming?)

Then I just felt like an utter failure, can't do beans, can't do pork, can't sleep, can't even heal right!! Today seems fraught with trial and error. I keep "trying" to sleep, "trying" to heal, "trying" to not be a wet blanket.....nothing is working quite right.

I whined and got misty, I sat on the couch feeling like a loser....then I opened a couple cans of beans, I'm working again on the chunks of pork, I got mad, I got surly, but I'm working on it. I've never healed well, I knew that. Everyone who knows me knows that. My friends and family still seem to like me even if I go back and forth healing. It can also lead to some funny moments.

I'm actually really happy the friend healed so well and so fast...but the last thing a person needs to hear is how they "should be feeling" We're all different and life affects everyone differently. I have friends going through fusion now, or soon, a friend recently went through it...I'm thrilled to hear how well they are doing. I'm happy to share my experience and point out that I am not a good yardstick for healing.
I really hurts being compared with other people. That's my problem though and I'll figure out how to deal with it eventually. I think my emotions might be a little raw right now. It could be lack of sleep. It's hard not to compare ourselves to others, but I try to draw the line at comparing healings...it's just not wise.

So onward and upward...I'll get it together.

I'm using the big girl computer, but I still ramble don't I??

Neck Solstice

The 12 of this month, April, is the sixth month since my neck was 'normal'.  It's been a really long 6 months! I'm just over two months post op now. I can finally speak normally again, meaning I sound pretty much like me, it still tires easily. I can swallow normally. Again, my throat tires. I can feel the plate sometimes, other times no. When I get upset, it feels like my throat is closing. I'm still dealing with numbness, weakness, overwhelming fatigue, etc. 
It really isn't that bad. I've never been graceful, I've never had an awesome voice, I don't need lots of stamina.....plus I DON'T HAVE TO WEED!!!! This would all be really devastating had I been a dancer, singer, surgeon, or did fine hand work....but since my most technical moves are chopping onions It's good.  Having some energy would be nice.
Not sure what the next neck solstice will bring, but this one will be marked with a beer. I will probably also listen to some really uplifting music, The Cure, The Smiths, Depeche Mode....and wonder what would happen were they all to sing in a collaboration. 

So have a drink on April 12th move your neck, and put on a good song. Celebrate my solstice with me....lol
Hey Chumbawamba is good Tubthumping totally rocked!

Autofill...spelling...Thank you all for reading my ramblings.