Monday, April 25, 2011

green grass

The grass is always greener in someone else's yard...at least that's what my cat thinks. I walk him on a leash, he is way too irresponsible to be off on his own! For some reason he thinks that he can actually catch a bird while walking on a bright blue leash and dragging a human along behind him.

Kung Pao was probably one of Mother Theresa's nuns in a past life, or someone else really good. I have no idea how wonderful of a person you would have to be to come back as a Kung Pao. he is pure poetry in motion. He can communicate through the floors, we can quite literally feel his needs. He was in the basement, locked in my husband's workout room....my husband actually felt him needing something and went downstairs to check it out. Kung Pao was sitting primly in the room, just waiting to be released. He went through chemo for lymphoma and never missed a beat. He was in remission for maybe a month before it came back. He REALLY hates the car, so we decided (with the advice of his awesome vet!!) to put him on Chinese herbals and prednisone....3 years and counting...knock on wood :-) Pao is full of love and life.

Somehow he seems to know exactly what a person needs. I've been up and down emotionally lately. I don't feel like myself anymore. Nothing feels the same, things just don't work right. Rubbing him doesn't feel the same anymore. I used to love the silky feel of his ears and his fur; I can still feel it just feels different. Everything feels different. He knows something is up but he isn't sure what. Poor Kung Pao tolerates my incessant tossing and turning. He still insists on sleeping with me or on me even when he gets no sleep. I think he does this as much for me as he does because it's his habit. When I feel my worst he is there. I crawl on my pity pot for a while and he joins me. Saturday was my worst day in a while. I went to a Good Friday service, there were a lot of heavy bass vibrations...my nerves don't like vibrations. Friday afternoon and evening my arm was spasming, I couldn't sleep, everything was really symptomatic. (all this is really hard to understand much less describe) I spent pretty much all of Saturday and most of Sunday recuperating. It seems easy to just lie in stasis when this happens, but not doing something drives me up a wall. I feel useless, I get down, then Pao reminds me that all I really need to do is provide a soft spot for my family and friends to land. I don't have to run any races, I don't really have to do anything except just be there...that's my job. The guys can cook...(that's hard to accept) The guys can exist, but they need me for my "Momness" and "Wifeness". I am not sure where I fit into all this right now. I am going through a lot. I am trying to take it one day at a time. I am trying to cut myself some slack. I am trying to learn from Kung Pao.

Today was a great day. I woke up and felt like getting out of bed. (yay) I had enough energy to wash my hair. (barely...yay) I went to the store. (yay...ok husband drove) I folded 2 loads of laundry, made dinner, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and am going to pick up my son from school...(YAY!) This has been my most energetic day since the anemia hit after the cord situation got worse. Maybe it's because Pao got a new Easter basket to sleep in yesterday, maybe it's because things are healing...don't know, but I do know...I love Kung Pao......and the grass really is greener in the neighbor's yards because they fertilize.

Used the big girl computer... :-)

1 comment:

Eve said...

Wow, what a lot you have to deal with..it's so good that you have Kung Pao...I love his name! Glad his cancer is in remission. My Pearly sleeps on me too! And same thing..when I'm having a really bad, painful day, she glues herself to me..they know more than we think they know..keep up your sense of humour and hang in there..it's hard but it sounds like you're making progress, I mean..the big girl computer?! That's a good sign! And don't worry about the neighbours grass..green grass is overrated!