Friday, April 1, 2011

Southern story telling

We southerners, as a species, are incapable of a simple hello or question. We are natural story tellers, we are natural talkers. You will know our life story in about an hour. We're fairly honest, (just don't ask if it's homemade, the hair colour is natural, what our weight is, how old we are...you know. For the love of heaven don't ask if we use liquor in our desserts!!!!)

this might be a typical northern encounter in a store;

NL (northern lady)
SL(southern lady)
SK(shop keep)
NPIL(next person in line)
BB (bag boy)
CA(cart attendant)

NL-do you have self rising flour
SK-no
NL-thanks

that's it the end...

A typical southern encounter in a northern store;
SL-Hey, I gotta question for you.
SK-ok
SL-well, I’m making biscuits for my cousin’s wife because she can’t really cook but doesn’t want anyone to know it so she asked me to make em because I can keep a secret unlike some people in the family, my sister namely! Well anyway I have the Crisco, buttermilk and all the other stuff, because we’re having fried chicken, green beans and potato salad too, but I realized I don’t have any self rising flour! Now you know you can use regular flour but it won’t rise as well and the baking soda never really mixes in right with the salt. So I just need you to point me to the self rising flour.
SK-we don’t have any
SL-I’m sorry sug, did you say you don’t have any?
SK-yes
SL-Are you serious? Well could you mebbe tell me where I can get some because I just can’t cook right without it? I need it today these biscuits have to get made. Oh and the gravy too, I use it for that even though a lot of people don't. I even cheat and use it in cakes even when they recipe doesn't call for baking powder, it seems to work just fine. Cake flour ain't really all that special.
SK-sorry no clue
SL-to NL can you believe this? How do yall cook without self rising flour?
NL-(no response)
SL to NPIL/NL-do you know where to get any self rising flour?
NPIL/NL- sorry never seen it
SL to BB- I just don’t know how anybody up here cooks anything how do yall make biscuits?
BB- not sure, we don’t really have them
SL to CA (en route to car in shock now)- honey can you help me with these bags?
CA-sure thing
SL-I just can’t thank you enough for helpin me! I wish I had some cookies ta give ya, but here’s a dollar.
CA- oh no we can’t take tips
SL-well don’t that just beat all? I can’t believe it, they work yall so hard and don’t even let you take a tip. Now I just feel plain bad askin you to help me.
CA-it’s ok
SL-no it just ain’t right! They oughta let yall get a little something extra when you help somebody like this, see my neck hurts so bad some days I just can’t get all the stuff in the car. I dropped a sofa on it a long time ago and hurt it. You be careful and make sure you don’t drop a sofa on your head cuz it’ll come back years later to bug you. Oh fudge! I forgot to get grits while I was in there to go with the catfish, I sure hope my brother can catch some tonight yall charge a lot for it up here.

CA- what are grits and catfish

SL- launches into 45 minute description!!

I have left out all the niceties; please, honey, sug, yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir and of course thank you or thank you kindly...
Southerners are generally VERY polite....unless you cross one ;-)

1 comment:

Eve said...

FUNNY! I knew some people like this in my ex's family! Great Story! The other expression that always made me laugh is,"carry ya", when they meant that they'll drive you somewhere. One day my mother in law called me up because she heard I needed to go shopping, and she said, "I'm just fixin' ta warsh ma head, after that I can carry ya ta the sto'"...lol!