Life makes no sense. The time we have on Earth is not as cut and dried as it seems. When people die, we lose the ability to touch them and feel them, to speak with them and have them answer, to challenge them to hot sauce tests and win, we lose the physicality of them.
When they die they pass on from our physical world but then they become so much more, hey are very much still with us. A lot of people believe the spirits we interact with aren't the spirits of loved one but something darker. I know the people who've touched my life, I also know people with incredible darkness in their lives who've been part of my world and their energy feels very different from a loving friend or family member. Maybe the friends and family who stayed have permission or have different beliefs and expectations about the afterlife. Maybe heaven for them is staying close to us until we can all be together again in the beyond.
I have a friend who pops up at the oddest of times, he popped up today and all day I've been rehashing certain things in my mind. I contacted his widow only to find out that he has been very active lately, even going so far as to pull her mother from a serious car accident. We reminisced about some of the ways he's reached out and it's 100% him.
I don't know the reason, or the rhyme, I don't care what anyone says to me, I know what I feel and I know what I know and I know the people who care about me still watch over me. I can see so many things I shouldn't have walked away from but did. I see so much of my life has been a gift and a miracle, I took it all for granted until 2011. I am blessed, yet I feel such guilt because not everyone has this same level of blessing. I''m not special, I didn't save children, puppies or kittens from burning orphanages, I am snarky, I'm a smart ass, I'm not even that great of an example of humanity and I'm certainly not the best example of a Christian, I have a short temper and don't see it changing anytime soon. I'm just an average person and I don't deserve the angels/spirits sent to watch over me. I love them, I love that they have watched out for me and that they have gotten me out of some terrible scrapes.
I can use all the help I can get to make it in life and do my best to spread more good than bad in an effort to honor those who've passed on before me, especially those who still help protect me.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Monday, February 15, 2016
I Know Nothing
What I have learned about parenting a gifted child is that I desperately need stronger anti anxiety medications, a steady supply of cinnamon bourbon, perhaps a week in a high quality asylum and at least a degree in hostage or contract negotiations. Deep pockets, a sound proof padded room and a straight jacket might also help, but those would be more for subduing the child in question.
Child in question is a perfect mishmash of both my husband and me. The arrogance, the stubbornness, the intelligence, the fear of failure, the procrastination, the abstract ideas, the overwhelming ability to walk past something 15 times and not notice it, the lovely habit of putting things in perfectly logical areas with zero recall of where those places are. He's just as afraid of trying and not succeeding as I am. He promises himself he will do his work and concentrate on it, just like I did only to reach the same blocks I reached back in 1987 when I too was 17. He has the cocky arrogance born of insecurity that my husband has. He has every negative quality both of us have, they might even be slightly magnified.
He has so many wonderful qualities that few people ever see; his keen sense of humor, his masterful arguing a point, his empathy with others, his need to connect and help others feel welcome and secure. Some of those traits have gotten him made fun of over the years. He's been called so many names because he comforts those in need or in despair. He wants to be the person people count on (aside from his parents and teachers). He really is a remarkable child in his sense of wrong and right and his inability to watch suffering. He'd give his last dollar to a hungry person without thought. He almost got suspended from school for giving his friends lunch money. The administration accused him of purchasing drugs when he was literally only giving his friends lunch money for the day. I intervened and supplied the proof that my son was clean. His sense of right and wrong won't allow him to watch another be bullied, (good natured teasing among friends is fine) He argues points for other people. I'd swear that he'd make an excellent trial lawyer if he could only spend his time arguing cases without doing the legwork. Then there's the whole commitment to going to school for years that he's not very enthused about. The word filibuster should have his photograph in the dictionary with the definition.
I have learned that I know exactly nothing when it comes to raising my son because it's like raising me or my husband. I can identify with certain aspects of his personality, my husband the other parts. Both of us are at a total disadvantage when it comes to actually convincing him to do what we'd like him to do. I realized the parenting books were excellent fodder for the compost bin. Our first lesson in that was pretty straight forward. Give your child a choice between two acceptable items.
(please hear these words in dreamy disney princess detached voice with vacant eyes)
Teaching your growing toddler to make decisions is easy! With gentle direction they will do as you ask while still retaining control. Give your child a choice between two approved items such as:
Do you want to wear the yellow shirt or the blue shirt?
Would you like oatmeal or eggs for breakfast?
Your child will choose from two healthy safe choices and feel more grown up! You will get what you need without the fight. Just keep reminding them what the choices are calmly.
The reality???
(said in the closest to vacant voice I could muster)
Honey, do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?
NEIDER of DEM!
(this went on for an unreasonable amount of time before I just let him wear the same filthy pumpkin sweat shirt he'd been wearing for weeks on end. Fail on trial one.
Dear, would you like scrambled eggs or boiled eggs?
NONE of DEM!!
(this too went on for a really long time)
Eventually he had either bologna and pickles or perhaps grits.
Anything was met with his immediate and strong refusal to choose either thing even when the choices involved his favorite things. He wanted to argue for a different outcome as early as 2 or so.
His development is asymmetric meaning he's much more advanced in some areas than others. That's a total ball of fun there. Sadly it's also very much like his parents. I can't count the number of teacher's who've called home because this tiny dictator had the ability to take over the entire class room and reroute the teacher's lesson to one he wanted. I'd warned them to never ever argue with him, never to enter into a debate and never answer a question not directly related to the material at hand. Not one of them listened. Poor saps. One day an entire hour long Algebra lesson turned from actual Algebra and devolved into a discussion about why we use Arabic numerals than Roman numerals. The call home about that one was the same. Teacher felt he deserved an answer so she started down that long and winding detour to avoid the work he didn't want to do. In that regard he's pretty mature and calculating. At the same time he believes everyone tells the truth which is a pretty immature attitude to have especially when he's seen that isn't the case.
For all of you parenting or dealing in any way with a gifted child please understand, all gifted children are different and they don't automatically translate into the educational superstars you'd think they would be, gifted doesn't mean " all A's" Gifted children actually struggle and fall through the cracks limping along at barely passing while basking in under achievement. They are often dreamers and make plans that they know won't come through just to avoid having that opportunity then failing or facing mediocrity. They hate to fail publicly. Their development will never progress at the same rate as that of their peers. Each child is totally unique and they must find their own motivation. My son is intrinsically motivated. The surest way to get him to dig his heels in and not do the work is to offer a reward, extrinsic factors do not work on him even if it's something he truly wants.
All I can do is try to identify trouble spots before they become too hard to get out of and work with him to find the best way to finish his tasks. There is a wealth of information online, but don't count on any teacher taking the time to read it and work with your gifted child. They do not have the time. This is your job and your child's job. Many of these kids get a label slapped on them that doesn't fit. They do it for extra funding, they rarely label them as gifted, their go to words are "AD/HD" "OCD" or the new catchall "high functioning autistic". The schools get extra funding for these classifications yet they still don't work to reach your child because there is no one system to learn that works for all kids in this boat.
I'm along for the ride and hoping that he reaches something in his life that helps him feel rewarded, keeps food on the table and a roof over his head while still allowing him to retain his own uniqueness.
So at 45,,,,I must admit that I know absolutely nothing because the rules keep changing and the arguments are endless circular logic paths.
Child in question is a perfect mishmash of both my husband and me. The arrogance, the stubbornness, the intelligence, the fear of failure, the procrastination, the abstract ideas, the overwhelming ability to walk past something 15 times and not notice it, the lovely habit of putting things in perfectly logical areas with zero recall of where those places are. He's just as afraid of trying and not succeeding as I am. He promises himself he will do his work and concentrate on it, just like I did only to reach the same blocks I reached back in 1987 when I too was 17. He has the cocky arrogance born of insecurity that my husband has. He has every negative quality both of us have, they might even be slightly magnified.
He has so many wonderful qualities that few people ever see; his keen sense of humor, his masterful arguing a point, his empathy with others, his need to connect and help others feel welcome and secure. Some of those traits have gotten him made fun of over the years. He's been called so many names because he comforts those in need or in despair. He wants to be the person people count on (aside from his parents and teachers). He really is a remarkable child in his sense of wrong and right and his inability to watch suffering. He'd give his last dollar to a hungry person without thought. He almost got suspended from school for giving his friends lunch money. The administration accused him of purchasing drugs when he was literally only giving his friends lunch money for the day. I intervened and supplied the proof that my son was clean. His sense of right and wrong won't allow him to watch another be bullied, (good natured teasing among friends is fine) He argues points for other people. I'd swear that he'd make an excellent trial lawyer if he could only spend his time arguing cases without doing the legwork. Then there's the whole commitment to going to school for years that he's not very enthused about. The word filibuster should have his photograph in the dictionary with the definition.
I have learned that I know exactly nothing when it comes to raising my son because it's like raising me or my husband. I can identify with certain aspects of his personality, my husband the other parts. Both of us are at a total disadvantage when it comes to actually convincing him to do what we'd like him to do. I realized the parenting books were excellent fodder for the compost bin. Our first lesson in that was pretty straight forward. Give your child a choice between two acceptable items.
(please hear these words in dreamy disney princess detached voice with vacant eyes)
Teaching your growing toddler to make decisions is easy! With gentle direction they will do as you ask while still retaining control. Give your child a choice between two approved items such as:
Do you want to wear the yellow shirt or the blue shirt?
Would you like oatmeal or eggs for breakfast?
Your child will choose from two healthy safe choices and feel more grown up! You will get what you need without the fight. Just keep reminding them what the choices are calmly.
The reality???
(said in the closest to vacant voice I could muster)
Honey, do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?
NEIDER of DEM!
(this went on for an unreasonable amount of time before I just let him wear the same filthy pumpkin sweat shirt he'd been wearing for weeks on end. Fail on trial one.
Dear, would you like scrambled eggs or boiled eggs?
NONE of DEM!!
(this too went on for a really long time)
Eventually he had either bologna and pickles or perhaps grits.
Anything was met with his immediate and strong refusal to choose either thing even when the choices involved his favorite things. He wanted to argue for a different outcome as early as 2 or so.
His development is asymmetric meaning he's much more advanced in some areas than others. That's a total ball of fun there. Sadly it's also very much like his parents. I can't count the number of teacher's who've called home because this tiny dictator had the ability to take over the entire class room and reroute the teacher's lesson to one he wanted. I'd warned them to never ever argue with him, never to enter into a debate and never answer a question not directly related to the material at hand. Not one of them listened. Poor saps. One day an entire hour long Algebra lesson turned from actual Algebra and devolved into a discussion about why we use Arabic numerals than Roman numerals. The call home about that one was the same. Teacher felt he deserved an answer so she started down that long and winding detour to avoid the work he didn't want to do. In that regard he's pretty mature and calculating. At the same time he believes everyone tells the truth which is a pretty immature attitude to have especially when he's seen that isn't the case.
For all of you parenting or dealing in any way with a gifted child please understand, all gifted children are different and they don't automatically translate into the educational superstars you'd think they would be, gifted doesn't mean " all A's" Gifted children actually struggle and fall through the cracks limping along at barely passing while basking in under achievement. They are often dreamers and make plans that they know won't come through just to avoid having that opportunity then failing or facing mediocrity. They hate to fail publicly. Their development will never progress at the same rate as that of their peers. Each child is totally unique and they must find their own motivation. My son is intrinsically motivated. The surest way to get him to dig his heels in and not do the work is to offer a reward, extrinsic factors do not work on him even if it's something he truly wants.
All I can do is try to identify trouble spots before they become too hard to get out of and work with him to find the best way to finish his tasks. There is a wealth of information online, but don't count on any teacher taking the time to read it and work with your gifted child. They do not have the time. This is your job and your child's job. Many of these kids get a label slapped on them that doesn't fit. They do it for extra funding, they rarely label them as gifted, their go to words are "AD/HD" "OCD" or the new catchall "high functioning autistic". The schools get extra funding for these classifications yet they still don't work to reach your child because there is no one system to learn that works for all kids in this boat.
I'm along for the ride and hoping that he reaches something in his life that helps him feel rewarded, keeps food on the table and a roof over his head while still allowing him to retain his own uniqueness.
So at 45,,,,I must admit that I know absolutely nothing because the rules keep changing and the arguments are endless circular logic paths.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
The hundred dollar donut
$100 donut
I heard about this donut this morning as I was sitting on the sofa, trying to hold my rowdy cat, sipping coffee and wondering if I should brush my hair before work. I asked myself if I had all the money I wanted and could spend it on anything I wanted would I buy the hundred dollar donut. I cursed a bit as I noticed the ink line on my shirt, I had no time to change it so I decided to ponder more on the donut as I gave up on trying to tame the Siamese lion on my lap.
If I could just toss money about without a care, I don't know that I'd buy a hundred dollar donut. If it were a regular donut and the hundred dollars went to a reputable charity I would be very likely to buy one, but to actually eat a purple yam donut covered in gold, with champagne icing deems a bit weird to me. When I was a teenager I'd have been all over trying it. Now I just think what else I could do with a hundred dollars. I could buy A LOT of coffee and donuts. I could buy enough coffee and donuts to make it a few weeks of treating myself daily. I forget to eat, but I never forget my coffee.
Coffee...I don't think I could drink the cat poop coffee (Kopi Luwak) despite my love for both cats (yes I know civets aren't really cats) and coffee. I've watched a few videos and listened to the comments people make about the civet coffee, noticeably different, tastes like paper, and horrible
Best Coffee Taste Test
Then there's the question of how they get the beans (stones, seeds). I know this is a growing trend and I've seen some videos showing the palm civets in cages pacing around, trying to escape. I think that all the little civets should be free to frolic in the trees eating as many coffee berries as they desire then seeking out a carb laden treat to go with the morning joe.
I wonder how the hundred dollar donut would taste when paired with the Kopi Luwak? I wonder if this has been or will be done? I wonder if there will be a cervil uprising with brave little civets, over throwing the evil coffee barons? If the hundred dollar donuts were being sold to stop civet unrest and over throw the coffee capos thereby creating civet freedom and peace I would definitely buy the hundred dollar donut. I would like to share it with a civet.
I heard about this donut this morning as I was sitting on the sofa, trying to hold my rowdy cat, sipping coffee and wondering if I should brush my hair before work. I asked myself if I had all the money I wanted and could spend it on anything I wanted would I buy the hundred dollar donut. I cursed a bit as I noticed the ink line on my shirt, I had no time to change it so I decided to ponder more on the donut as I gave up on trying to tame the Siamese lion on my lap.
If I could just toss money about without a care, I don't know that I'd buy a hundred dollar donut. If it were a regular donut and the hundred dollars went to a reputable charity I would be very likely to buy one, but to actually eat a purple yam donut covered in gold, with champagne icing deems a bit weird to me. When I was a teenager I'd have been all over trying it. Now I just think what else I could do with a hundred dollars. I could buy A LOT of coffee and donuts. I could buy enough coffee and donuts to make it a few weeks of treating myself daily. I forget to eat, but I never forget my coffee.
Coffee...I don't think I could drink the cat poop coffee (Kopi Luwak) despite my love for both cats (yes I know civets aren't really cats) and coffee. I've watched a few videos and listened to the comments people make about the civet coffee, noticeably different, tastes like paper, and horrible
Best Coffee Taste Test
Then there's the question of how they get the beans (stones, seeds). I know this is a growing trend and I've seen some videos showing the palm civets in cages pacing around, trying to escape. I think that all the little civets should be free to frolic in the trees eating as many coffee berries as they desire then seeking out a carb laden treat to go with the morning joe.
I wonder how the hundred dollar donut would taste when paired with the Kopi Luwak? I wonder if this has been or will be done? I wonder if there will be a cervil uprising with brave little civets, over throwing the evil coffee barons? If the hundred dollar donuts were being sold to stop civet unrest and over throw the coffee capos thereby creating civet freedom and peace I would definitely buy the hundred dollar donut. I would like to share it with a civet.
Friday, January 1, 2016
That's a wrap!
It's all over now, 2015 that is. It seemed like it alternated between running away like a speeding train and dragging on forever. It really wasn't such a great year for me in many respects, but in others it was a year of learning and accomplishment.
I reentered the work force as an office temp and now it seems I may have a job. The job is great. I love what I do, so far. I started down one path, I really did have a plan to see it through and start a new direction in December, but then the temp slot opened up in early December, one thing led to another and my path got diverted. No one can change the flow of a river without some losses. I've had to delay the classes I was taking, and I had to change my deadline promise to myself. It's a promise I intend to keep, but I'm using the longer date range. I guess that just goes to show me, that no matter how clear the road map seems, there can always be a detour and often a very lovely one at that. For now, I'm embracing my detour with open mind, open heart and open arms.
Our son is growing up, he's making changes, he's making mistakes (often fairly big mistakes) which I hope he's learning from, he's learning to communicate as a young adult. We need to work together to help him set some realistic goals for 2016. This year we learned that a bachelor's degree may no longer make fiscal sense. I was attempting to show him that teachers do make a fairly decent wage, "look son, see, they do make more than you thought but you will probably want to have a wife who also works. See, these are two year degrees and look how little they make..." the words died on my lips as we saw those associate's degrees pay more for entry level than a teacher with a master's degree would make. Our son is now trying to decide which path would make the most sense for him. We are all coming to terms with the face of the workplace today.
Our cat had his 13th birthday last May. He got a new sofa, new carpet, and a climbing tree this year. He trusts none of that stuff. He is not as afraid to touch the sofa and has been diligently clawing one corner of the sofa to keep it in check while demonstrating his dominance over all furniture and soft things. He sometimes will drag a piece of meat onto the carpet so it knows the pecking order too. He got the climbing thing for Christmas, he is still regarding it with suspicion.
One thing led to another and we ended up having to donate the first new car we've ever bought back in July/August. It appears a national chain tire shop lied to us about the damage. We found out, only after we'd bought another car. We got a gently used 2014 Cruze LTZ with less than 18k miles on it. We do love the new (to us) car but we do miss our L300. We got the full blue book price as a deduction because our car did sell, and rather quickly too. Our son felt terrible about the L300, that was the first car he really remembers riding in and it became his car after he got his license. We bought her brand new back in 2004 in TX. He's since acquired our 2003 Vue. He doesn't like it as much as he liked his car, but he is adapting. He did the only thing he could do, to avoid an accident. He didn't lock up the brakes, he started braking and steered toward the curb to avoid an accident. His instincts are great when it comes to driving. A pick-up truck pulled out right in front of him on a busy road. The other drivers scare me, his driving doesn't scare me.
I lost a lot of people I cared about this past year. The worst of the losses was a friend's son. Nothing causes a Mother and Father to cling to their child and overlook some things their child does than the death of another child. After that death I hovered a lot and am still a bit clingy.
I cut some negative people out of my life and feel liberated.
I learned that some people are a lot more monstrous and depraved than I had ever imagined. I did get angry with God and question him. I know that's not likely to produce answers, but it felt like unburdening to me. I still believe, I still pray, but I wonder why some things are allowed to happen. I know, the whole "free will" thing. I think some actions are beyond "free will" and that certain people should probably just be exterminated.
My goals for the coming year are modest....hold on for the ride and hope for the best.
I hope that you have a healthy, happy year ahead of you.
Thank you for reading my wordy ramblings
I reentered the work force as an office temp and now it seems I may have a job. The job is great. I love what I do, so far. I started down one path, I really did have a plan to see it through and start a new direction in December, but then the temp slot opened up in early December, one thing led to another and my path got diverted. No one can change the flow of a river without some losses. I've had to delay the classes I was taking, and I had to change my deadline promise to myself. It's a promise I intend to keep, but I'm using the longer date range. I guess that just goes to show me, that no matter how clear the road map seems, there can always be a detour and often a very lovely one at that. For now, I'm embracing my detour with open mind, open heart and open arms.
Our son is growing up, he's making changes, he's making mistakes (often fairly big mistakes) which I hope he's learning from, he's learning to communicate as a young adult. We need to work together to help him set some realistic goals for 2016. This year we learned that a bachelor's degree may no longer make fiscal sense. I was attempting to show him that teachers do make a fairly decent wage, "look son, see, they do make more than you thought but you will probably want to have a wife who also works. See, these are two year degrees and look how little they make..." the words died on my lips as we saw those associate's degrees pay more for entry level than a teacher with a master's degree would make. Our son is now trying to decide which path would make the most sense for him. We are all coming to terms with the face of the workplace today.
Our cat had his 13th birthday last May. He got a new sofa, new carpet, and a climbing tree this year. He trusts none of that stuff. He is not as afraid to touch the sofa and has been diligently clawing one corner of the sofa to keep it in check while demonstrating his dominance over all furniture and soft things. He sometimes will drag a piece of meat onto the carpet so it knows the pecking order too. He got the climbing thing for Christmas, he is still regarding it with suspicion.
One thing led to another and we ended up having to donate the first new car we've ever bought back in July/August. It appears a national chain tire shop lied to us about the damage. We found out, only after we'd bought another car. We got a gently used 2014 Cruze LTZ with less than 18k miles on it. We do love the new (to us) car but we do miss our L300. We got the full blue book price as a deduction because our car did sell, and rather quickly too. Our son felt terrible about the L300, that was the first car he really remembers riding in and it became his car after he got his license. We bought her brand new back in 2004 in TX. He's since acquired our 2003 Vue. He doesn't like it as much as he liked his car, but he is adapting. He did the only thing he could do, to avoid an accident. He didn't lock up the brakes, he started braking and steered toward the curb to avoid an accident. His instincts are great when it comes to driving. A pick-up truck pulled out right in front of him on a busy road. The other drivers scare me, his driving doesn't scare me.
I lost a lot of people I cared about this past year. The worst of the losses was a friend's son. Nothing causes a Mother and Father to cling to their child and overlook some things their child does than the death of another child. After that death I hovered a lot and am still a bit clingy.
I cut some negative people out of my life and feel liberated.
I learned that some people are a lot more monstrous and depraved than I had ever imagined. I did get angry with God and question him. I know that's not likely to produce answers, but it felt like unburdening to me. I still believe, I still pray, but I wonder why some things are allowed to happen. I know, the whole "free will" thing. I think some actions are beyond "free will" and that certain people should probably just be exterminated.
My goals for the coming year are modest....hold on for the ride and hope for the best.
I hope that you have a healthy, happy year ahead of you.
Thank you for reading my wordy ramblings
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Bliss
Raising a teenager is a really rocky road. It's usually rocky because they're having tantrums and throwing the rocks much like they did at two, the differences are they're bigger now, won't take naps, can't be controlled with sippy cups, blankies or a favorite toy.
The past few days have been bliss. My husband has been on vacation from work. Our son has been on vacation from school and I'm taking the week off my online class. Monday and Tuesday mornings our son crawled in bed with us to snack and watch YouTube videos with us and our cat Kung Pao. He's been really polite and helpful. He vocally admitted that since he decided to mind more he's been given more freedom just like we promised him. That revelation was on Tuesday the 24th. He showed wisdom, I also got some encouraging news on the 24th. The 24th also happened to be my late daddy's 99th birthday.
Today I was out at a store. I went down one aisle after I found exactly what I'd been looking for but forgot a few months ago. When I turned a corner I was facing a headless mannequin the same size, shape and height as my late mama. She passed away the day before Thanksgiving (27th) in 1985. The mannequin was even dressed in an outfit she absolutely would have worn paired with a necklace my late mother-in-law would have worn. When I walked behind the mannequin the sweater was even raised in the same place Mama's shirts always raised. I smiled for quite a while
All I can do is smile and feel the love and the legacy they left behind. I feel them (Daddy and Mama) in the choices I make and the words I say. Sometimes they're hurtful words, sometimes they're kind words, sometimes I chastise, sometimes I praise. I know they're gone, but the gifts they gave me have carried me through some difficult times. I see things that remind me of them and feel a closeness. We speak of them with love and smiles. I see certain aspects of my mother-in-law in my husband. I see traits of all of them in our Son.
I have no idea how our parents coped. My husband's mom was born in 1944. She was young enough in the 1970's and 1980's to go with the flow. My mama was born in 1915 and my daddy was born in 1916. They were not as easily adapted. Daddy was very much into learning, I think he'd enjoy the technology. Mama was not as open minded. She truly believed that in a storm you had to put the cat out of the house because they drew lighting, so did hand sewing, using scissors or anything else metal. Mama passed away when I was 15. There was a huge generational gap.
I have absolutely no idea how she would have handled me at 17. My son is so much like me, we constantly butt heads. I was "stubborn as a mule!" and "would argee (argue) with a sign post!" I still am to a degree, but I'm learning to bend. We are all learning to bend.
These past few days have been bliss. He's acting like the Son I know him to be. This change of heart started on the 19th. I'm holding my breath, hoping for the best, trying to prepare for the worst and at this moment I am enjoying this ride so much! :)
The past few days have been bliss. My husband has been on vacation from work. Our son has been on vacation from school and I'm taking the week off my online class. Monday and Tuesday mornings our son crawled in bed with us to snack and watch YouTube videos with us and our cat Kung Pao. He's been really polite and helpful. He vocally admitted that since he decided to mind more he's been given more freedom just like we promised him. That revelation was on Tuesday the 24th. He showed wisdom, I also got some encouraging news on the 24th. The 24th also happened to be my late daddy's 99th birthday.
Today I was out at a store. I went down one aisle after I found exactly what I'd been looking for but forgot a few months ago. When I turned a corner I was facing a headless mannequin the same size, shape and height as my late mama. She passed away the day before Thanksgiving (27th) in 1985. The mannequin was even dressed in an outfit she absolutely would have worn paired with a necklace my late mother-in-law would have worn. When I walked behind the mannequin the sweater was even raised in the same place Mama's shirts always raised. I smiled for quite a while
All I can do is smile and feel the love and the legacy they left behind. I feel them (Daddy and Mama) in the choices I make and the words I say. Sometimes they're hurtful words, sometimes they're kind words, sometimes I chastise, sometimes I praise. I know they're gone, but the gifts they gave me have carried me through some difficult times. I see things that remind me of them and feel a closeness. We speak of them with love and smiles. I see certain aspects of my mother-in-law in my husband. I see traits of all of them in our Son.
I have no idea how our parents coped. My husband's mom was born in 1944. She was young enough in the 1970's and 1980's to go with the flow. My mama was born in 1915 and my daddy was born in 1916. They were not as easily adapted. Daddy was very much into learning, I think he'd enjoy the technology. Mama was not as open minded. She truly believed that in a storm you had to put the cat out of the house because they drew lighting, so did hand sewing, using scissors or anything else metal. Mama passed away when I was 15. There was a huge generational gap.
I have absolutely no idea how she would have handled me at 17. My son is so much like me, we constantly butt heads. I was "stubborn as a mule!" and "would argee (argue) with a sign post!" I still am to a degree, but I'm learning to bend. We are all learning to bend.
These past few days have been bliss. He's acting like the Son I know him to be. This change of heart started on the 19th. I'm holding my breath, hoping for the best, trying to prepare for the worst and at this moment I am enjoying this ride so much! :)
Saturday, October 31, 2015
What to say.....?
I don't know what to say, so I'll just blurt out what's on my mind....
On Sunday night, I started this rosy post about how lucky I am to have a wonderful Husband who provides for us so well, for having a smart Son who usually makes good decisions, for my Son being able to play a Jr. football halftime scrimmage years ago on Ford Field during a Lions pre-season game, I was going to write about how we've done things we consider normal that are part of people's bucket lists. We've seen NHL, NFL and MLB games....the tickets were either free or low in price. I took it for granted that everyone must have been to a pro game. We aren't even sports fans. We enjoy a game when we go, but don't seek them out. What brought all this on was my Husband feeling too bad to go the Lion's game someone gave him tickets for. I told the ladies at work (I had to put in a few hours on Sunday) that he was deciding not to go and planning to give the tickets away. All of them said that was on their bucket list. We've been to New Zealand, most of the 50 states and to a few provinces in Canada. There are some people I know who've never even been on an airplane, or seen a metropolis. It hit me then that we are blessed. We have lived a lot of people's dreams. I worry and fret about money, we struggle to make ends meet and have a tad of overlap. We are like everyone else.
On Monday I sent my Husband a text telling him I love him, thanking him for being a great provider, keeping us safe and despite our mutual mediocre parenting that he is a great Father and that our Son was lucky to have him and so am I. Monday I nagged my son in texts but failed to say I love you in any of them because his friends read them sometimes. Today...I don't care. I will tell him I love him in texts because of Tuesday.
On Tuesday my "Pollyanna" outlook died. My Son sent me one of the worst texts I've ever gotten. He told me to contact my friend "Lucy" because her son "Will" committed suicide on Monday. I thought it was a macabre game that Will was playing with his friends, it being so close to Halloween and all. I went to my friend's facebook page. It was horrible and ugly because it was true.
I sent her a text, she responded with thanks.
Will is my son's age, they spent time together as three of us Mom's yapped after school when we went to pick them up. They rough housed with each other, Will, his little brother, my Son and another friend's son. Will and my Son were in one class together. That was enough for the poor teachers at their middle school. The boys moved on to HS and we Mom's didn't hang out waiting for them anymore, they had after-school activities. In other words we drifted and I am filled with "I meant to's".
Thursday we went to his viewing. It was gut wrenching. To look upon the face of a young man I had known, who was friends with my son was terrible. Will was all over the room. Photos of Will as a baby, him in his various activities, him growing up, his family, his brother, his baby book, photo albums. his baby shoes and at the foot of the coffin, his empty hunting boots. Lucy was holding up as well as she could. I've never seen Lucy not be Lucy, but her spark was gone. Will's brother is filled with hate. He blames Lucy for it all. I know he has to blame someone. I know in time he will blame Will and be angry with him, but it's much too soon for that. He's lost his courage. Will was the "devil may care...push the limits" guy and his brother is a reserved methodical person. Will was a helium balloon whereas his brother was his tether. They were good for each other.
Friday, we went to the funeral. We were there in time to get seats. It filled up two chapels, standing room only. I heard Lucy break and I saw Will's brother break. Neither one went to the other. Lucy has lost both son's for all intents and purposes. Time will heal part of this, but not all of it. Nothing will ever heal all of it. The ceremony honored Will's life. My Son sat with me and let me hold his hand a lot.
I seem to be crying at the drop of a hat. I am so sad the family is so fractured. I know they need each other to heal but they may never truly come together to support one another. The parents are divorced and remarried. The divorce was over 10 years ago and remarriages happened at least 10 years ago, so it wasn't a catalyst. No one, aside from Will, truly knows why he felt this was the best or only option.
People often turn to God only in times of need or despair. I pray when I think of a person. I thank him when I look around at my life and the people I know. We don't go to church but we do believe, we are saved, our Son is dedicated and is currently questioning and searching like most teens. I keep hearing God heals all wounds. I believe that he does, but only if the people are willing to accept that guidance and help. When deep wounds heal the scar tissue is always tender for a very long time and can easily tear. When people are trying to heal it seems they tend to tear at the scab or the new skin to rehash and open healing wounds. I've seen it and I've lived it. Very few people can seek and accept that healing guidance and move forward with a small scar, I failed that test. There won't be any small scar with this wound, this is a gaping hole.
I am thankful for so much, my Husband, my life, our pets, but most of all my Son. I just want to hold him and never let him go.
If anyone reading this has a teenager in their lives, make time for them. Even when they are behaving like idiots, driving you to drink, causing you worry and fear, make time for them and think of how much you love about them. Tell them. If, by chance, a teenager is reading this. Know that no matter how insignificant and unloved you feel, you aren't. I don't care who you are, or what you've done. Someone cares very deeply for you. You've sent out ripples that will impact people you don't even know. When people tease you, make fun of you, tear you down and try to ruin your reputation, remember, it's only a few years. You just have to make it to college, you just have to hold on until then.
Get help. I know teens won't rat on each other, I know that parents can't fight those battles like we did in elementary school. It kills us to watch you hurting inside. We, as parents and former teens, want to help. If you can't turn to your parents, go to a teacher you like and just talk. Let it out. Don't hold on to the crap people say and do. Know that they have more serious problems than you do. They hurt people because they are mean, spiteful, rude kids who never learned a lesson on life. Trust in fate and know that what they dish out will come back on them, it may take years, but they will get exactly what they've dished out somehow.
If your parents or a person in charge (teacher, principal) is hurting you emotionally or physically, call a teen helpline, go to a shelter, turn to a friend's parents or a trusted Teacher or Preacher. Help yourself with their guidance. Live for yourself. Live to spite them if that's what motivates you. There are better ways to get revenge on a person (even a parent who's hurt you), revenge is moving on, not having them in your life by your choice then living the best life you can, the life that makes you happy, the life that allows you to reach your dreams.
High school is hard! The idiot who said "these are the best years of your life" was a delusional maniac. They are only good because you have no bills to pay and you don't have to support yourself financially. These are some of the worst years you will ever have. Years sound like forever to teenagers, take it hour by hour, day by day. All you have to do is take it one step at a time, one day at a time. I have felt unloved, I've been the joke at school, I've been the weirdo. I chose to act and dress the way I did because that way I controlled what they made fun of. I never let them in far enough to find out what my real problems were. Put up a mask if you have to, in order to protect yourself. If you have one good friend who knows you, the real you, then you are truly blessed. Very few people keep in touch after high school. When high school is over your real life starts. There is a light at the end of the dark tunnel and it won't always be a train. Sometimes it's just the end of the tunnel where the world opens up. You just have to get through that tunnel.
If you made it to the end of this entry....kudos because it was long and very personal.
On Sunday night, I started this rosy post about how lucky I am to have a wonderful Husband who provides for us so well, for having a smart Son who usually makes good decisions, for my Son being able to play a Jr. football halftime scrimmage years ago on Ford Field during a Lions pre-season game, I was going to write about how we've done things we consider normal that are part of people's bucket lists. We've seen NHL, NFL and MLB games....the tickets were either free or low in price. I took it for granted that everyone must have been to a pro game. We aren't even sports fans. We enjoy a game when we go, but don't seek them out. What brought all this on was my Husband feeling too bad to go the Lion's game someone gave him tickets for. I told the ladies at work (I had to put in a few hours on Sunday) that he was deciding not to go and planning to give the tickets away. All of them said that was on their bucket list. We've been to New Zealand, most of the 50 states and to a few provinces in Canada. There are some people I know who've never even been on an airplane, or seen a metropolis. It hit me then that we are blessed. We have lived a lot of people's dreams. I worry and fret about money, we struggle to make ends meet and have a tad of overlap. We are like everyone else.
On Monday I sent my Husband a text telling him I love him, thanking him for being a great provider, keeping us safe and despite our mutual mediocre parenting that he is a great Father and that our Son was lucky to have him and so am I. Monday I nagged my son in texts but failed to say I love you in any of them because his friends read them sometimes. Today...I don't care. I will tell him I love him in texts because of Tuesday.
On Tuesday my "Pollyanna" outlook died. My Son sent me one of the worst texts I've ever gotten. He told me to contact my friend "Lucy" because her son "Will" committed suicide on Monday. I thought it was a macabre game that Will was playing with his friends, it being so close to Halloween and all. I went to my friend's facebook page. It was horrible and ugly because it was true.
I sent her a text, she responded with thanks.
Will is my son's age, they spent time together as three of us Mom's yapped after school when we went to pick them up. They rough housed with each other, Will, his little brother, my Son and another friend's son. Will and my Son were in one class together. That was enough for the poor teachers at their middle school. The boys moved on to HS and we Mom's didn't hang out waiting for them anymore, they had after-school activities. In other words we drifted and I am filled with "I meant to's".
Thursday we went to his viewing. It was gut wrenching. To look upon the face of a young man I had known, who was friends with my son was terrible. Will was all over the room. Photos of Will as a baby, him in his various activities, him growing up, his family, his brother, his baby book, photo albums. his baby shoes and at the foot of the coffin, his empty hunting boots. Lucy was holding up as well as she could. I've never seen Lucy not be Lucy, but her spark was gone. Will's brother is filled with hate. He blames Lucy for it all. I know he has to blame someone. I know in time he will blame Will and be angry with him, but it's much too soon for that. He's lost his courage. Will was the "devil may care...push the limits" guy and his brother is a reserved methodical person. Will was a helium balloon whereas his brother was his tether. They were good for each other.
Friday, we went to the funeral. We were there in time to get seats. It filled up two chapels, standing room only. I heard Lucy break and I saw Will's brother break. Neither one went to the other. Lucy has lost both son's for all intents and purposes. Time will heal part of this, but not all of it. Nothing will ever heal all of it. The ceremony honored Will's life. My Son sat with me and let me hold his hand a lot.
I seem to be crying at the drop of a hat. I am so sad the family is so fractured. I know they need each other to heal but they may never truly come together to support one another. The parents are divorced and remarried. The divorce was over 10 years ago and remarriages happened at least 10 years ago, so it wasn't a catalyst. No one, aside from Will, truly knows why he felt this was the best or only option.
People often turn to God only in times of need or despair. I pray when I think of a person. I thank him when I look around at my life and the people I know. We don't go to church but we do believe, we are saved, our Son is dedicated and is currently questioning and searching like most teens. I keep hearing God heals all wounds. I believe that he does, but only if the people are willing to accept that guidance and help. When deep wounds heal the scar tissue is always tender for a very long time and can easily tear. When people are trying to heal it seems they tend to tear at the scab or the new skin to rehash and open healing wounds. I've seen it and I've lived it. Very few people can seek and accept that healing guidance and move forward with a small scar, I failed that test. There won't be any small scar with this wound, this is a gaping hole.
I am thankful for so much, my Husband, my life, our pets, but most of all my Son. I just want to hold him and never let him go.
If anyone reading this has a teenager in their lives, make time for them. Even when they are behaving like idiots, driving you to drink, causing you worry and fear, make time for them and think of how much you love about them. Tell them. If, by chance, a teenager is reading this. Know that no matter how insignificant and unloved you feel, you aren't. I don't care who you are, or what you've done. Someone cares very deeply for you. You've sent out ripples that will impact people you don't even know. When people tease you, make fun of you, tear you down and try to ruin your reputation, remember, it's only a few years. You just have to make it to college, you just have to hold on until then.
Get help. I know teens won't rat on each other, I know that parents can't fight those battles like we did in elementary school. It kills us to watch you hurting inside. We, as parents and former teens, want to help. If you can't turn to your parents, go to a teacher you like and just talk. Let it out. Don't hold on to the crap people say and do. Know that they have more serious problems than you do. They hurt people because they are mean, spiteful, rude kids who never learned a lesson on life. Trust in fate and know that what they dish out will come back on them, it may take years, but they will get exactly what they've dished out somehow.
If your parents or a person in charge (teacher, principal) is hurting you emotionally or physically, call a teen helpline, go to a shelter, turn to a friend's parents or a trusted Teacher or Preacher. Help yourself with their guidance. Live for yourself. Live to spite them if that's what motivates you. There are better ways to get revenge on a person (even a parent who's hurt you), revenge is moving on, not having them in your life by your choice then living the best life you can, the life that makes you happy, the life that allows you to reach your dreams.
High school is hard! The idiot who said "these are the best years of your life" was a delusional maniac. They are only good because you have no bills to pay and you don't have to support yourself financially. These are some of the worst years you will ever have. Years sound like forever to teenagers, take it hour by hour, day by day. All you have to do is take it one step at a time, one day at a time. I have felt unloved, I've been the joke at school, I've been the weirdo. I chose to act and dress the way I did because that way I controlled what they made fun of. I never let them in far enough to find out what my real problems were. Put up a mask if you have to, in order to protect yourself. If you have one good friend who knows you, the real you, then you are truly blessed. Very few people keep in touch after high school. When high school is over your real life starts. There is a light at the end of the dark tunnel and it won't always be a train. Sometimes it's just the end of the tunnel where the world opens up. You just have to get through that tunnel.
If you made it to the end of this entry....kudos because it was long and very personal.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Ditzy Friends are the Best!
Ditz-as
defined by Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary is a silly person who often
forgets things.
Ditz
– as defined by the Urban Dictionary equates us with Valley Girls…I’m like so
totally cool with that! Like ya know??
Ditz- as
defined by The Free Dictionary is a scatterbrained eccentric person
I agree for the most part with these definitions. Airhead also comes to mind as does distracted
from trying to train a husband and teenager to act as mature as the cat. I come by my ditzy moments honestly. I was often a ditz as a teenager out of
necessity. There were people I didn’t
really want to hang out with, who would be joining our group on an excursion or
to a party. “I like totally forgot!!”
about the party or excursion so many times when an annoying person was to be
joining us. I also acted scatterbrained
to get out of certain chores or to avoid other unpleasantries. Being a semi-ditz at times was detrimental
because there were some fun things that I genuinely forgot about because my
mind was all over the place.
Having a ditz as a friend is an excellent friend
indeed. We can be your excuse for not
wanting to go places too. Blame it on
the ditz! Chances are we won’t care,
won’t get wind of it or will totally forget it in a few minutes.
Everyone should have at least one ditz as a friend, unless
of course you are a ditz, then you want to cut that right the heck out! One can’t have two ditzes in the same social
group. The meeting would possibly
trigger a blackhole or some other unimaginable physical horror. When ditz’s collide nothing good can come of
it.
Ditziness is also great for gift giving. I can go Christmas shopping with my husband
in July or August. Pick out a few
things, watch him buy them, then he hides them and I totally forget about them
until Christmas morning! We did that one
year with purses. I vaguely recalled
from time to time looking at purses but couldn’t remember if I’d purchased one
or not. Turns out it was two of
them. I used to have a thing for shoes,
now I have a thing for purses. I tend to
stick to the same few pairs of shoes because I need more sole stability
now. I do miss high heels but will
survive.
I’m not a ditz all the time.
Just when I’m tired of thinking, tired of being a grown up or just plain
tired in general. Not to brag, but I’m
actually fairly intelligent. I just
choose to allocate that intelligence as needed then hide behind masks such as
sarcasm, ditziness (It can be hard work to act vacuous or vapid) or
churlishness. I’ve been taken advantage
of many times it’s easier when people think I’m far too dim witted to do
something to be of use to them. I don’t
want people in my life who want to use me and abuse me. I want people in my life who value me, who
can put up with all my masks and allow me to drop the masks at times. I like being able to be counted on by friends
with whom I share a mutual respect. I
don’t act ditzy at work either. I have
done this in the past to avoid crappy shifts at a crappy job when I was a
teenager.
The song Because I’m a
Blonde could, at times, be my anthem (aside from the fact that I’m not
blonde). A certain level of ditziness can help mask pain too; both emotional
and physical. When I’m spending time
with certain people I hide behind a wall of stupidity. It’s easier to have them become angry because
they think I’m an idiot, than it is to allow them to take out their usual
hateful aggression on me simply because I’m around. I can hear the clucking now. I have indeed told these people I don’t like
being treated the way they treat me. I
have stood up for myself a countless number of times, all to no avail. I choose my battles and battling once again
for mutual respect isn’t worth it to me.
I’d rather just cower for a few days in abject stupidity pondering when
the next basket weaving class might form up.
There is no escaping spending some amount of time with these people,
otherwise I’d be all over it! The people who mistake me for stupid often show
how ignorant they truly are, thus leading to a lot of hilarity when their own
idiocy trips them up in public. Every so
often I enjoy popping off with a level of knowledge they don’t think I possess. The look on their faces is priceless.
Having a ditz or a pseudo-ditz in your life is a must. I have had ditzes in my life and I’ve been
the ditz. I am of course totally stupid,
and an absolute ditz and quite possibly the worst parent on the planet at the
moment, for I have a teenaged child. I
have been assured by other people who seem reasonably smart and fairly reliable
that by the time he’s 25 or so, I will become less stupid and he will actually
ask my advice. I am hoping this is true
and not a fairy tale told to give me a false sense of hope. If it’s true then I am gonna be pretty darn
ditzy for a really long time then!
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