Saturday, June 1, 2013

What were we thinking???

It's June 1st, a bit before midnight and I'm sitting here thinking back in time to a June 1st 18 years ago; 1995.  I was thinking too much then and entirely not at all.  I was running at full steam ahead finishing medieval garb, planning the unplannable, smoking like a chimney in the middle of a blizzard, melting little gold balls of engraving powder over a light bulb, and generally losing my mind.

I was 2 days away from one of the best/weirdest days of my life....

WHAT WAS I THINKING!?!?!  I was getting married!!  The married part was fine the parts that werent't....

Northwest Florida
in heavy satin
Under a pavilion next to a swimming dock!

There was NO PART of the wedding scheduled inside!  Even the barbecue was outside under another pavilion!  The after party was at the best man's house also Outside.  At least we had  booze by then and cooler clothes.
To say I got a major case of the "oh holy smokes what am I doing???" was putting it mildly.  I just realized that even though I knew he was and is and always will be THE one.  I was terrified!  I had just committed my life, all of it, every single day for the rest of my life to one person.  I was 24.  We "shacked up" when I was 19.  I had never really had a dating life at all.
For some reason when I met him in 1980 I was head over heels.  We lost touch after 1882 until the spring of 1990.  I could not get him out of my head.  I saw faces in crowds even after both of us had long been gone, faces in other cities that reminded me of him and my heart ached.  I remember staring at one guy in 1987, because he reminded me of THE ONE.  I have always hated losing people in my life.  I really still felt this loss.  It always felt just below the surface and raw.  I tried attempting to sort of possibly date.  My heart was never in it.  I just always felt that when the right person came along I would "know".  In high school I thought the "right person" had come along....turns out the old gaydar was broken, but he was the perfect guy friend for me.  (I digress)
I called a friend from that same small town one night in 1990.  I was lost, lonely, confused, wondering who I was, where I was going and I just needed a friend who knew me when I was "me" when I was whole, when I was still the person I used to be, before I lost my path, some of my innocence.  I needed my childhood for a moment and a child hood friend.  She mentioned him.  He was back near our old town.  I got his number.  I was terrified.  I wondered if he would remember me?  I debated making the call.  I figured at that point it must be kismet.  I still remember being terrified, sitting on the floor in the living room.  I pushed all the buttons, I wondered what to say.  He answered! I said "Hi, do you remember.....?"  HE did! We talked for hours, we talked often for hours.  He invited me to visit.  I took vacation and did.  We talked too much on the phone.  It was still the day's of 25¢/minute at least for long distance calls.  I said goodbye to one or two people and hopped a greyhound. I think I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want tears, or anyone to talk me out of this crazy thing.

23 years later(in Aug, though i moved in Jul)....18 (on the 3rd) as an honest woman and I'm still on the crazy train wondering..."what were we thinking????"  We should have gotten married inside!!

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