Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Satan’s Refrigerator

Satan made a refrigerator, and it’s in my house.  It seemed innocent enough.  The demo model stood there in a Sears store in Yuba City, CA.  A white side by side, reasonably priced, ice and water through the door, spill resistant glass shelves, deli drawer, large in size at a good price.  It arrived and we were delighted.  We were only in CA for a year, so It’s hard to recall very many issues with it there.  Satan may have in fact made the stove in that house then used the oven as his primary tool of evil to infect the fridge, they stood sort of across from one another.  

The oven used to make this horrible hacking noise when turned on.  Neither my husband nor I were avid gas range users, I spent most of my life around electric ranges.  We had no idea that it wasn’t normal for a gas oven to make this rattling strange guttural metallic noise when starting.  We were told it was one of the new never go out pilot light thingies.  The home inspector checked the dishwasher and oven too, we were pretty sure.  We thought it was strange that it would suddenly stop heating.  We called a guy out to fix it, he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard it.  After he “fixed” it, it didn’t make that sound any more.   He didn’t look like a priest and we didn’t see any holy water.  I digress….

Immediately after moving we realized that something was wrong with the fridge.  The water line proved difficult for Ein and Stein the installer’s to connect to, then turn on.  Seems the prior owners who were (no kidding from West Virginia) had the knob to the water line concealed behind a decorative air vent cover in the basement. (????)  When they did get it connected it started and worked fine for about a day.  I noticed immediately the ice sliding down the back of the freezer.  I am sure this must have happened in CA too, but I just didn’t remember.  Some of it will land in the ice bin but it makes this strange trek down the back of the freezer too.  Also a large stalagmite of ice will reach up and prop up the arm of the ice maker if not knocked down daily.  The plastic door bins started cracking because Satan, evilly enough put clear brittle plastic in the fridge to hold all the stuff in the doors.  The two bottom ones hook on with these flimsy clips, the ones up top actually make some sense.  I have a line on the door bins on Ebay.  I have bought 3 now (knock on wood).  I dimly recall repairing one in CA with super glue.   Now I dodge ice shrapnel as it leaps off one of the food containers in the freezer to attack.

He did design it to be nice and cold.  It held the miracle lettuce for months past its expiration date in plastic sealed splendor.  The blessed lettuce seemed only to enrage the possessed appliance, which then lashed out at the washer and dryer.  How that miracle of greenery survived in crispy beauty until we finally found and consumed it I will never know. 

Once, not long after moving in, I noticed an ominous odor of burning melting plastic.  We discovered it was the fridge.  It was repaired but evil was not cast out.  It has only grown surer of itself.  Probably because of the whole blessed lettuce thing.  We can’t exactly get rid of a fridge that keeps random things fresh and perfect months past their expiration dates; that would be illogical.  I suppose I could try having my wonderful and helpful son push the fridge out from the wall with me to see if we can adjust the legs up a bit.  Knowing our luck something would break off, then it would start heating things instead of cooling them.   

I am afraid to invite the clergy into our home to cleanse the freezer.  It stands near a picture of Jesus.  I’m wondering if his gaze is what keeps the fridge from pure appliance domination.  So far the dishwasher has been replaced because the first was horrible.  The one we bought was recalled, the replacement was installed by a crooked moron which then loosened and fell out,  then the moron who installed it blamed the dishwasher, the builder and the counter for not being “right”.  The previous dishwasher was installed flawlessly by a blind guy (seriously).  Disposal has died, (we called the blind guy to put a new one in).  Washer and dryer have both had repeated repairs.  

We won’t mention the two other appliances.  The fridge seems unconcerned with them.  

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