la la la la la I can't hear you

When most people first have a child they can't wait for it to talk.  I am no different.  I waited with anticipation as did my husband waiting for those precious first words.  We listened to his surprised little "oh's" we would say "oh" back then watch him kick his feet with sheer baby joy.  Eventually he started babbling, mama, dada, first words soon followed bah  (ball) dis (this).

Over the years there have been some memorable phrases;

"whe room go?" (we were moving)
"whe money go?" (dropping change in a filing cabinet)
"awnt some pizza!" (he smelled it because we intercepted the delivery boy)
"kitty go huff" (our cat at the time hissed a lot)
"yah I wope it" (his behind)

All that stuff was 1-7 so long ago.  Every so often he still lets something fly that should be painful.  I won't embarrass him with the "sometimes I try them on" explanation on here, but I wanted to rewind time then.  Tonight I just wanted to cry.  I feel at this point that I have surely wasted the last 14 years of my life trying to humanize a child.  Tonight my 14 year old son was given a bar of anti blemish soap our friend in New Zealand made, I found it under my sink just in time to stave off some pimples before they fully attacked.  I handed him the bar and said "go wash your face with this, it's the soap Brendan's sister made" his reply "ok" he came to our bathroom instead of his...no real wonder there, his is scary near the sink.  He said, "what do I do?"  I said, "wash your face" him, "how" me "with soap and water" (I'm not sure what's going on at this point) then the kicker...."how do I use a bar of soap on my face?"  I was dumbstruck.  I said something along the lines of 'are you kidding me?' or 'are you serious?' his next line was "I'm not good with bars of soap"  I told him to "wet your face, lather the soap between wet hands then rub it on your face"  him "how?" I am at this point a cross between livid and wondering if I have a semi-human man-boy-ape living with me.  I went to watch and guide him through the traumatic experience.  He lathered so much he dropped the soap in the sink then picked it up to lather more. I told him I was sure that was enough lather.  Then, my heavens, he figured out where to put the lather and rinse it off himself.

So, in the past 14 years I have taught my son to use a bar of soap.  Oh and talk, lots of talking.