Oh Hi!.....

Well, it's been a while since I've seen you.  How are you doing?  I hope all is well with you.

I'm glad that you finally figured out what that spot was on your shirt.  It was a bit of a concern when you were wondering if that was poo or if she had gone outside.  Dogs can be such an inconvenience.

Oh my...it wasn't a dog you say?  Well then I suppose your child might leave a stain still.

Oh dear...not your child either.    Well, let's just let that one go!

So how did that dark spot end up on your lawn anyway?  I know I am not a huge fan of watering grass, but you certainly do take pride in your lawn.  That brown spot must have been devastating for you.  Malicious activity you say?  What would ever make you think that?  Oh!  You saw a neighbor toss some Round-up on your yard.  My that must have been a shock!  ME?!?!  Why, I'd never take the time to do such a nefarious thing.  What on Earth would I gain.  I mean your lawn isn't frosting is it?  If it were frosting I would eat all of your grass.

Fine!! If it's that big a deal I will help you re-sod that spot.  I had NOTHING to do with the dog poo on your door step.  I don't even have a dog!  My cat would die if it passed something that large.  You really think it might be human in nature?  Well if you must know I did see the neighbor to the left of you with a brown bag, snickering.

Your backyard is full of holes??  What do you think made them?  I don't have any chipmunks anymore with the cats.  You saw your neighbor behind you digging them.

My word!  3 out of 4 neighbors bothering you.  I really am sorry I lied about the Round-up.  I didn't realize it would spread and spell out F--- You.  Ok I did!  I took the time, it was deliberate!!

All 4 neighbors have picked on you?  And more??

Fine!  We are all tired of the nude sunbathing in the front, back and side yards!  We are tired of the bagpipe practice at 2am!  I know it's the only time you can practice, but we need sleep.  My cat has a nervous tic now from the fife music on Saturday nights.  Also the banana hammock your Dad wears to the mailbox quite frankly has us nauseated.  Several neighborhood children are very concerned about walking past your house.

I probably should have told you this months ago.  I should have been upfront and honest rather than resorting to childish pranks in my defense;  it's a difficult to address some of these concerns Sis!

May I get you more coffee....and please put on a bathrobe!  The neighbors are coming for coffee and doughnuts.