Sunday, May 22, 2011

Missed the Rapture...again

Firstly…I am a Christian.

Secondly...I do believe in a higher power, my beliefs are probably not mainstream.

Don’t come down too hard on me for my funny, blasphemous interpretation of my missed rapture. I will repent before the next rapture. Besides religion is a personal relationship…that said

I had no idea that God had phoned in the Rapture schedule! Did he run it by Jesus or was that not part of the plan…oh wait the bible DOES actually state that not even Jesus would know. So I can imagine the conversation now;

Creator of the universe-G

Rapture man-Harry

Jesus and G are sitting in heaven watching prayer channel television when they run across Harry fervently praying for guidance and wisdom. Things had been slow so G decides to phone prank Harry thinking that surely Harry will reference the Bible at least once….this time.

Scene fades in…Harry is sitting at his computer with his Bible holding his coffee cup and bowl of doritos, he is surrounded by stacks of paper, maps, charts many of them impressive pie renderings in colour!! Some bar graphs thrown in for good measure and a scatter chart for credibility… he drops his calculator and yells…

Harry- I know when the rapture is!!! Feb 30, 2984!!

G- psssst Harry

Harry- who said that??

G- pssst Harry

Harry- what?

G- the rapture is going to be ….(whispers to someone else, giggles) May 21, 2011 at 6pm

Harry- is this my neighbor?

G- no it isn’t…pssst Harry…don’t tell Jesus (giggles)

Harry- is this, is this G

G- yes…now I have spoken!! Tell people but not Jesus

Harry- hold on let me write this down…6pm May 21, 2011..ok..oh hey wait is that Eastern Pacific what zone

G- (whispering, giggling) ummm Pacific?

Harry- why can’t I tell Jesus?

G- (snickering) we want to see if his army is ready? Besides don’t question ME! Now hurry go tell EVERYONE!..just not Jesus

Sound of door slamming

Jesus- Dad…that was just mean! (J and G snicker together)

I was originally worried about the whole rapture thing…so many things were left to chance. Who would take care of my pets if they weren’t allowed in the rapture? How would I get out of the house if the roof, or other floors stopped me? What if I were driving? What if I missed the rapture but my friends didn’t, would they tease me? What if I got raptured before dinner was finished? Who would clean out the fridge on garbage day? What if I wore the same thing someone else did? Worse yet, what if I were in the shower during the rapture?

I am so glad to know I don’t have to worry about any of that! Although I’m not sure what to do with all the rapture welcome gifts I bought for all my dearly departed friends and family. I guess I’ll save them for the next rapture!

If this offended anyone…just breathe… I’ll roast and you won’t J

No comments: