Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I can not win

There is no winner when it comes to parenting at all, I am convinced.  There were no winners when he was having toddler tantrums there were no winners with tween tantrums and there are certainly no winners with teen tantrums.

I think I may have to have a Mommy tantrum soon....or another one.  I don't know if any of us ever truly outgrow tantrums.  I don't think it may be very healthy to outgrow them.  It sometimes feels good to have a hissy fit, tantrum, fit, go nuts, let it out, let down, blow off steam. The way we go about it changes over the years but the effect is still the same, we feel a sweet release when we let the emotional pressure out.  Some people don't even know the pressure is building until they blow off some steam, other people feel it building and start venting earlier.  I think when you bottle up and deny those feelings of anger or frustration that you head for trouble.

I have no idea how some people stay so calm and detached from their emotions.  I'm not sure how people aren't angered by outrages they see or injustices they witness.  I'm not sure how people can ignore lying, cheating, backstabbing or manipulative people they know but can't get away from.

Lately my life seems like a powder keg, one spark and things will blow.  I'm trying to vent the pressure by tackling the things that I can, as they arise.  I feel so powerless and weak in the face of my growing son.  I want to be the "right" mother, do the "right" thing, say the "right" thing...mostly, I just want a crystal ball to see what I should do.  It would be kind of nice if life were like a choose-your-own-adventure book.  It would be great to kind of peek ahead a few pages to see if the outcome were sunny or gloom-filled then choose to head that way or not.

Teenagers are right there in that middle ground where so much can go so wrong or so much can go so right.  I think most parents want their kids to have as much fun as they can, enjoy life, learn enough to head off to college and then into a good life.  So few teenagers really seem to be doing that at all.  It's tough knowing how to parent so any of it works out.

I used to think life was so hard when he was young, now I look back and think..."give me juice boxes and Sesame Street any day!" I worried about choosing the right things then, now I'm a basket case.  I was never fully stable to begin with I don't think.  I wonder if I just need to chalk it all up to life and hope for the best?  There doesn't seem to be much choice when tempers flare and teenager heels dig in against parents.

I really don't think that any of us will win this whole teenager parent thing, but I do know that the teens end and adulthood comes far too fast.  I think I should just try to enjoy each day and keep hoping he makes good decisions and hoping I don't go insane.  For now, I think I will just read a magazine in bed, then try not to screw up tomorrow.

So......ready for Christmas?

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