Tuesday, August 21, 2012

What do you see

I've been fairly depressed lately.  Everything and nothing.  At times it seems like the bottom falls out, no one understands me, no one can help...etc.  The more people try to help, or the more close they get the worse I end up feeling.  I'm not suicidal, just a general bleakness, loss, coming loss...a bit of a mess mentally...I took a depression quiz on psych central and popped quite positive, it all makes sense ...BUT i still pass on online sanity.  That should come as a shock (don't die now) to many of you....i digress....ok where this all leads in relation to the title.
A friend and I were video chatting tonight.  I was wearing some favorite jammies.  They have cherries on them and what I visualize are two bluebird friends or family (likely friends as there is no fighting) making the lattice crust on a cherry pie.  I imagine they are making cherry pies for a woodland gathering.My friend sees them eating the pie after its been cooled on a window sill.
It doesn't matter if either of us is right.  Nothing changes our differing perspectives on the pie.  These ideas are  what we surmize based on inferences from life experience.  I recently offered advice I didn't realize seemed flippant to 'get a teddy bear'.  I have spent hours and years of hours flooding poor Teddy with my sorrow, lonliness, fear, anxiety...etc, i've never touched him in anger.  He is my solace.  I suggested that solace to a friend.  This unknowingly hurt my friend.  I still feel bad about that.  Perception is a double edged sword or kris blade.  The wound is there and often worse than if I'd said nothing at all.  It is hard to watch a friend or family member hurt, yet all our heartfelt advice stings more.  Where I see goodness and succor my friend sees an entirely different scene.
I guess it all boils down into a willingness to view others perceptions.   A readiness to accept each of us deals with pain emotional and physical widely differently will help me, I'm sure.  Willingness to see the good in things, the wisdom and trust to know a friend won't hurt you and a friend willing to see her answers may not help at all, but she tries.  The willingness to comprehend that half full and half empty are in fact the same condition....it's just perception after all.
Can all of life be summed up with bluebirds and cherry pies?  Is it just a matter of how we are wired to see things.  Do we even truly have a choice or will deep down we suffer in not being true to our hardwired idrals?  Is my life less meaningful because I'm failing to enjoy all of my world?  The guilt robs me of freedom, the weight of the housework robs me of energy (before I even start).  How clean is 'clean enough', how much can I attain?  I'm not sure.
I am however happy even in my depression seeing two things create something I adore! (Cherry pie!)..even if my vision is flawed.  I still see the building of the pie, not the destruction.
I will try to see the world and my friends in it as all different, not mraning to hurt me.  I hope they will grant me the pass to be a flawed human and never forget I mean no harm or flippancy.
On a side note...there was a greasy spoon stop on the greyhound route from to Chicago to Cedar Rapids.  It was in Rockford IL.  On the way back to IA I would get off there, have a slice of pie with coffee and a smoke then reboard the bus.  I was hiding depression by convincing myself the pie was great.  It wasn't;  what was special and great was feeling freedom.  Or at least a reward for the pain.  At the time, I just looked forward to it.  No questions asked, one good and petfect thing.
So, are these birds in the photo (hope I attached it) eating the pie or making it??

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Anonymous #1....I Agree with your friend. it seems as if the birds are enjoying a bite to eat. However, it's not destruction I see, but a coming together of two friends to obtain a mutual goal. And that goal is to enjoy some pie. It could be cloudy and they don't want the pie to get rained on. Remember what happened when the cake got left out in the rain! No one got to enjoy the cake.