This is kind of a wtf post. Yes, I am posting in anger and frustration. Feeling a bit like a discarded piece of refuse, who's sole purpose in life is to be there for others. I've spent so much time and effort wasting my life on people and things who I don't really matter to. I think Morrissey, song God that he is, sums it up best in his lyrics "why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die?" It's not that people don't matter, they matter very much to me. Some people I invest so much in, but get nothing in return when I need it. I'm kind of sick of 'being there' for people then when the shit hits the fan in my own life, they can't be bothered to help. Or decide that I'm 'just being a drama queen' or 'making more out of it, than it is'. I'm hurt and yes I am lashing out a bit. Will I regret this post....probably not because I'm fairly certain this will never be seen and or comprehended by those who've hurt me most.
I'm not sure if I feel like continuing to be the 'pantry boy/girl' or the proverbial whipping boy. I'm wondering when I'm going to set the example I want my son to follow. I want him to be confident, to feel and be loved, to know his worth and feel entitled to respect, at least the respect he shows others. I want him to not waste his time on people who won't be there for him when the shit hits the fan. I will always have his back, but will give him the reality slap he needs. If he feels at some point that he needs to pull away from me when he reaches adult hood and we adapt to our changing roles....I won't like it, it will taste like gall....but I will try to respect it.
I have spent so many days and nights wasting tears, questions to empty rooms, re-thinking and dissecting my words.
I've learned that true friends don't require you to emasculate or efface yourself on the altar of their vanity...when I screw up because I'm having a horrible day...my true friends just hug me virtually, verbally or physically and never expect me to devalue myself for them.
I'm hoping for far less wasted days and wasted nights in order to prevent a wasted life for me and a bad example for my son