Thursday, May 31, 2012

I love you! I hate you! You’re tearing me apart!!

This morning as I lurched down the stairs I weighed myself as is my usual morning practice.  I nearly fell out in full stupor because my lovely beautiful scale read 110.5!! I wanted to praise it as best scale on planet Earth!!  (no it was NOT in KG or stones)  Yahoo!!  No scale has read 110 for me since like third grade!  I wanted to hold on to the glory a while, bask in my lovely miraculous weight loss….

After gazing lovingly at my scale one more time I climbed down.  My sick and twisted demand to know the truth kept niggling and me and eventually persevered.... I took a deep breath annnnddd....

I bravely climbed back on my gorgeous scale…now it was reading well over 40lbs more than the glorious 110.5 (ie totaling about 151.5) !!!  I hated that darn piece of crap!! Stupid jerky piece of second rate crap!!  Fortunately for my sanity it showed me “Err” meaning error not that my poor abused scale needs the ER.  I got off and felt a bit sorry for my sudden change in emotions relating to scale math.

I climbed back on yet again…this time my weight was dead on where I expected it to be….Sigh….at least it hasn’t gone up yet.  I took a deep breath and tried for a second identical reading.  WTF?!?!  I gained 3 pounds doing nothing??  This thing is tearing me apart!!!  Ok one more time! Alrighty...same reading.  Yay?  

For one brief shining moment I was the uberskinny!!  The jealousy inducing size 2’s we hear of, those elusive beasts!

The only size 2’s I see here are actually more like a size 12 with it crammed into a size 2.  When you no longer have a muffin top, but an entire layer cake hanging ALL around and the thigh consistency of just risen (to epic proportions) dough…there is NO WAY you are a size 2.  Stop lying to yourself, buy a mirror and purchase the extra few sizes you need to not blind young boys, husbands and make women pity you for your inability to dress…or worse yet cause us to vomit on the size 5 shoes you insist on cramming your size 10 clods into.  

I digress…the batteries have been changed in the scale, I changed them (stupid me)…so the next time that dear, dear scale reads less than I weigh…I’m NOT rechecking!!  Ignorance is bliss 

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