Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Complicated Lives....part 17

Crazy Clydie

Crazy doesn’t just lurk in the south or northern wilderness. Crazy complicated lives can exist anywhere from the backwoods, to the big city, complicated lives are rampant.

We lived in CA for one year. I attract crazy. I attract insidious crazy like a nutbar magnet. I made friends with crazy Clydie because her son was throwing unripe peaches at my son and I wanted the boys to talk it out. We all went over. Crazy Clydie seemed so freaking normal! She was a sick mother on medication for some oddball disease, though she did smell a bit like rotting fruit. Her eyes were slightly jaundiced but I figured ,ah bless, poor sick thing! My husband and I fell into a fast friendship with Crazy Clydie, Scapegoat Sam and their demon spawn child Bloody Brat. The friendship seemed to go ok, we really enjoyed them. Scapegoat Sam was our favorite.

We made friends with them in August or September.

By October…I wanted out!!

Crazy Clydie kept talking about how hot I was, Scapegoat Sam said he knew the marriage was a mistake 9 days in. Crazy Clydie drank non ‘freaking’ stop. She didn’t have a disease just DT’s!! Scapegoat Sam was being convinced that he was an alcoholic because he had a beer or two per night to deal with Crazy Clydie’s drama. In all sincerity she told us that she went camping wearing a rain poncho, daisy dukes, knee high socks and hiking boots. She repeated the same story over and over again. She walked down the street holding cheese she borrowed from a neighbor to lure her dog back home. She almost got in a fight flinging racial slurs on the front porch. Scapegoat Sam had to hold her back, but she spilled my drink, knocked over the ashtray and broke the radio. I nearly wet myself laughing. Ah the awkward times didn’t end with that. She had me outside with her husband and talked about how we could be in appropriate together!! I heard about the runway modeling, anorexia, shoplifting, drinking and driving, etc etc….Her son was a demon and he shot the movers to ‘keep us from moving’ when we finally left in February.

That was the LONGEST 5 months of my life. Even now with all the crap I deal with on a daily basis…nothing NOTHING will ever be as long as that 5 months was….at least I hope not.

5 comments:

Eve said...

OMG!! I knew one of those 'Crazy Clydie' types too!!
I am a complete crazy person magnet...I'm like nectar for them..mental people are drawn to me like a moth to a flame..like teen girls to the Biebs...like Roseanne Barr to a buffet..like, well, you get the picture..
the one that I couldn't seem to shake for a few months was Crazy Kathy!! I will tell you some Crazy Kathy stories sometime, it's late right now though and I need to go to sleep...I'm such a wuss eh?!
I sure hope you're doing better and feeling better..and it's nice to know that I'm not the only magnet for the mentally hilarious!

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