The beans just burned

I tried following it, a recipe for baked beans. I make pretty good baked beans normally. I knew the recipe looked light on liquid, I also don't normally follow a recipe....two recipes for disaster already!!
I tried turning the pork chops into pulled pork...
It was even kind of funny, nothing working out quite right. It was up there with Monday's great bun fiasco.....Thousand Island does NOT fry like Mayo on a bun...it gets black and sticky. I tried something new and it didn't work...oh well. Move on. I was proud that I accomplished something today. I was looking forward to tomorrow's adventures.

I wasn't even that down on myself for the failed recipe and the tough pork until someone told me how well a;
"friend" healed from "this exact same surgery" "well it took a long time....6 weeks" "I bet you just feel great with this nice weather it must be so much easier for you, you sound good"

(can you hear me screaming?)

Then I just felt like an utter failure, can't do beans, can't do pork, can't sleep, can't even heal right!! Today seems fraught with trial and error. I keep "trying" to sleep, "trying" to heal, "trying" to not be a wet blanket.....nothing is working quite right.

I whined and got misty, I sat on the couch feeling like a loser....then I opened a couple cans of beans, I'm working again on the chunks of pork, I got mad, I got surly, but I'm working on it. I've never healed well, I knew that. Everyone who knows me knows that. My friends and family still seem to like me even if I go back and forth healing. It can also lead to some funny moments.

I'm actually really happy the friend healed so well and so fast...but the last thing a person needs to hear is how they "should be feeling" We're all different and life affects everyone differently. I have friends going through fusion now, or soon, a friend recently went through it...I'm thrilled to hear how well they are doing. I'm happy to share my experience and point out that I am not a good yardstick for healing.
I really hurts being compared with other people. That's my problem though and I'll figure out how to deal with it eventually. I think my emotions might be a little raw right now. It could be lack of sleep. It's hard not to compare ourselves to others, but I try to draw the line at comparing healings...it's just not wise.

So onward and upward...I'll get it together.

I'm using the big girl computer, but I still ramble don't I??

I'm told it's healing

I'm weird. Nothing ever quite goes the way it's supposed to. Years ago, I broke my ankle...it never disclosed on x-ray. Something should have told me something was wrong because it just never stopped hurting (echo the torn acl!)...I ignored it for years. One day about 5 years after I broke it, I mentioned it in passing to a surgeon I was seeing for a ganglion cyst in my hand, he took an x-ray...my talus had a dead spot. It was drilled, I spent 2 months in a wheel chair while my hand and ankle healed..or thought they healed. The hand ended up as exploration...seems he couldn't "find" the cyst! I was released as 'fixed'...gee it shouldn't still hurt, then spent the next year and a half with a cane and or a walking boot. I was taking classes at the time...half the class talked to me, and cheered when I finally wore 2 shoes to class, the other half avoided me...they thought I was an amputee because of the cane and the limp...

After a year and a half I swallowed my fear and saw another surgeon. He injected hylagen (sp) into my dodgy knee and then sent me for another MRI for the ankle. The first surgery had accomplished nothing! No healing, the attempt was to injure it and force it to re-vascularize...I am immune to healing.

During the awful black year and a half of shooting bone pains, limping, sleepless nights or nightmare filled nights...I had a recurring nightmare, my leg was amputated and I didn't care, losing it seemed like the only option. I didn't say it was a good option, it just seemed like a welcome idea. Looking back I realize the amputation dreams were me feeling divorced from that part of my body...it just wasn't healing...forward to just after surgery

I wake up to find out a dear friend's house in CA was in flames, and my leg 'felt funny'..the surgeon came in with his head hanging...he told me (still stoned from anesthesia mind you) 'It was worse than I thought when I got inside'...I thought my leg was gone! Then he told me...the dead bone was larger than the MRI showed, so he had to take longer and cut off the end of my tibia to prevent it's resting the in the dead slot... 4 months on crutches and in casts...it's fine 6 years out...

now I'm 'healing' again...only this time it's my neck...ACDF 5/6/7....still thinking of a name for the cadaver graft...

My neck is a nightmare!! At least I'm having blood filled dreams.....thinking bio mech tattoo

tomorrow I'll yap about how this happened...or the next day...but have no fear....I just can't shut up!!