Insomnia bites again

I am totally losing my mind, it seems, from the insomnia.  It could also be the sneezing kitty who NEEDS the electric blanket, or possibly the incessant whining, sassing, fibbing, yelling and general disagreeableness of my normally polite compliant son.
I have counted sheep, the sheep have counted me.  We are at an impasse it appears.  I was fairly convinced there eas only one of me until Alejandro started presenting evidence to the contrary.  Now I'm just not sure how many of me there are. 
I should have realized I needed a sleep intervention when the sheep wore leotards or tutu's and started dancing to various ABBA and Beach Boys songs.  When Alejandro grabbed the mic and did a duet to Endless Love with Flossie, it was magical and I fell under the spell of the singing, dancing sheep.
Hmmm this does not bode well for me I fear.  My mental health must surely be suffering.  I am now convinced I desperately need sleep and also to reason less frequently with sheep who talk.........good night blog world.

Same as it ever was......

I am once again at a loss for sleep.  After a while this takes its toll.  I'm short (er) tempered, physically I'm a mess.  So logically my mind travels to........the talking heads.

I woukd say....i digress.....but this entire post will likely be one huge....and i digress
Whst was up with David Byrne and the arm chops in that song?  You know the one, Once in a Lifetime....water flowing under ground.

When i cant sleep my mind is awash with songs, poems, ideas, blog posts to write.  Chiefly; however it is music that fills my mind.  I remember songs i thought i had lost forever.  The genre is unimportant, my mind is a free floating body collecting verses, songs, melodies as it will.
It also collected kyoto song tonight, it seemed apropos....nightmare of you of death in the pool wakes me up a quarter to three.  I used to get so excited when i woke up at that time when i was a teen.  Now i just think " oh....dirty words....i'm not getting sleep again tonight". 
I miss Blondie, Joan Jett, Pat Benetar....and yes....Julie Brown!!
Earth Girls are Easy, Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun, Cuz I'm a Blonde......she really was talented.
The Chiliwhacks (sp) My Girl
So my mind is having a merry rock/punk/country/christian/folk/reggae/metal/parody/pop....etc concert.  No one is on the guest list, just my mind.  My poor tired, aching, burning, uncooperative body is not invited it seems.
Time for my mind to play some Enya, Evanesence, something soft and soothing.....                                 

where did they go?

Where did they all go, it's like they just packed up and left over night in some cases.  All I know is so many of them are just....poof...gone!

Remember that song that you LIVED for back in the ----'s?  Whatever decade, whomever you are there was a song, most likely per year (probably more than one) that really touched you.  Whether the song made you dance, cry, identify with, cut straight to your soul......there was a song.  Those songs gave voice to our deepest desires, strongest feelings, deep fears, secret dreams..the things we dared not feel, think, say, or do.

I dreamed of the day I would one day dance to ABBA or the BeeGee's in a discotheque. (never happened)  I did however dance with some great friends to Madonna's Vogue in a gay bar.  I dreamed of the day the highschool love of my life would take me to prom for magic moments, we would gaze deep into each other's eyes as Up Where We Belong played on, or Forever Young by Alphaville played on (never happened) but some good friends and I did act like morons at prom, we slow danced comically and had a good time.  I dreamed of making out in a car to some fabulous, daring, make out song.  My done perfectly, my trendy shirt tucked in my trendy jeans with my trendy hair done oh so trendy, and my make up "just so".  Nary an awkward moment, only tender, deep heartfelt love...oh and total respect!!  (never happened)  My first make out happened during the movie Fletch.  The rest were all just kisses, no songs that I recall.  I also discovered that no matter how hard I tried, how much I wanted it...I couldn't make myself be happy in pastels, I couldn't find a boyfriend anywhere.  I strongly began to suspect there was something wrong with me.  I terrified guys apparently.  Maybe it was just all of me.  I was not what the songs said I should be.

When I got together with my husband at the ripe age of 19, the soundtrack of our love was Vain's cassette No Respect.  There really was none.  We were teenagers doing what teenagers did..that was each of us selling out parts of who we were to meet what the other wanted.  I forced him to listen to some punk, he dragged me through heavy metal.  As a result 22 years later we are attending our second concerts this year of our melded tastes.  Alice Cooper and Ace Frehley, Morrissey and Kristeen Young, Iron Maiden and Alice Cooper, Morrissey and Kristeen Young.  All in the course of a melded 12 month period.  Melded, just like our lives in the most unlikely of hook ups ever musically and in life!  He was the song that NEVER stopped playing in my head through all those years from 1982-1990.  Well that and Jack and Diane...I mean totally classic!!

Lately I've been going through the mental storage vault with a friend.  I have insomnia, he knows of this miracle I missed  "I Love The 80's"  and apparently "I Love The 70's".  Watching with him has dusted off so many layers of the years...oops another song...Holding Back the Years.  What a great song!  I hear them in the background of the videos, all those melodies that dominated my life, held me glued to the boom box, left me in tears, filled me with hope, the songs I prayed would be on the radio, Solid Gold, or I would hear as someone drove by.

The soundtracks of my life changed as the music changed.  Today's favorite song would give way to tomorrow's favorite...all lost along with yesterday's favorite song as they years march on.  When I hear a snippet I wonder HOW how how how could I have possibly forgotten that song??  It was the love of my life for that week the radio played it!  When did that song stop being played?

I sit here and wonder...where did they all go?  The songs, the plans, the images, the wonder, the timidity?  Music does something to me, to most of us.  It causes us to feel, joy, lightness, darkness, pain, love, loss, pure lust, hunger, fulfillment, lifted, a desire for something I could never reach, or be...a rock singer!!  I am music and I write the songs.....heck yeah!

Then like the worm in the apple...sometimes the dreaded brain melt when a song sucks so much you want to turn it off, but you can't turn it off because it's such a train-wreck you have to keep listening, jsut to see if there is ANY redemption whatsoever in the song.  I have songs locked in my brain that I detest so much I feel like screaming when I hear them...ugh...make it go away!!!  What were they thinking when they sung it, wrote it, recorded it and WHY did no one say..."ummmm this totally sucks"  Is it possible that people actually liked those hideous songs???  Were THEY someone's dream come true in music?  Did those songs fuel desires, hopes, longing, all those good feelings?  Did they touch in someone those deep emotions.  Is it possible that not everyone agrees with my musical taste?

I am sitting here wondering, over the next years how many of my cherished songs are going to disappear from my mind to make room for new cherished songs.  I thought all the good songs had been written by 1988 and I was only 18 then.  Now I think all the best songs must surely have been written by now...then I turn on the radio and hear another song I know I can't live without.  I LOVE music :)

Catnaps

I've often wished i could be Mr. Ed.  I wonder what a talking horse thinks and I wonder what he feels.  He talks to this human, right?  Does he get upset when he is treated like a horse by his owner.  Since Mr. Ed can talk, does he see himself as a pet? Friend? Equal?
I've also wanted to be a cat.  The grace, dignity, agility, speed...what does it feel like to be all furry?  Walk on soft paws with little clicking claws on linoleum.  What do things smell like? Taste like?  Sound like and look like.  What does it feel like to jump at least 2 times my height?
I wonder what it's like to be a mushroom or even mayo.

Why do I wonder such absurd things?  How mentally ill is this person?? 

I wonder these things because i have terrible insomnia and just get catnaps through the night and into the day. 
So, if you see me wearing a (mentally confused and prone to wandering) button......it's probably true.

I wonder what it's like to be a........

I'm going try for sleep now.  Night....oops morning all

White Rabbit

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small and ones that Mother gives you don't do anything at all......

Sometimes none of them seems like they do what they're supposed to do, or in fact do anything at all.  I have pain issues some of the time, ok all of the time.   I have some lovely prescriptions, lots of herbals (all legal, darnit!) vitamins and rubs.  Some days things are good and I'm almost a normal person.  Other days I'm like Oscar the Grouch (aside from the lovely colour, awesome hairdo, and private pad with pet), on those days I just want to hide in my trash can and tell the world to 'scram'!  Still other days I'm touchy and feel like I'm in a chrysalis, a crucible or a bell jar.  At any rate it feels like I'm moody and transitory.  There are days when I feel like a shiny rainbow bubble on the verge of breaking, absolute fragility, ephemeral. 

Somehow, nothing really changes and I'm still the same.  I have no trash can to escape to, no chrysalis for my change, no bell jar creating a vacuum around me, no crucible to hold me while I change, and my skin is thicker than a bubble.  Insomnia will not kill me.  The pain will not kill me, this weird and strangely shifting injury will not kill me.  It's all just what it is. 

It's thorny, painful, sharp, not good, kind of ugly and nothing anyone would want.....until I wake up and crawl from my bell jar, crucible, chrysalis or trash can, I won't see it at all.  When I finally emerge,  then I'll see it's a lovely rose of any color, I just couldn't see the flower for the thorns.

The caterpillar, the dormouse and Alice are an illusion, so is the transient relief from pills.  Insomnia can be so unfair; at least it proves I'm alive.

Today is a thorny day...but I'm seeking the rose.