The beans just burned

I tried following it, a recipe for baked beans. I make pretty good baked beans normally. I knew the recipe looked light on liquid, I also don't normally follow a recipe....two recipes for disaster already!!
I tried turning the pork chops into pulled pork...
It was even kind of funny, nothing working out quite right. It was up there with Monday's great bun fiasco.....Thousand Island does NOT fry like Mayo on a bun...it gets black and sticky. I tried something new and it didn't work...oh well. Move on. I was proud that I accomplished something today. I was looking forward to tomorrow's adventures.

I wasn't even that down on myself for the failed recipe and the tough pork until someone told me how well a;
"friend" healed from "this exact same surgery" "well it took a long time....6 weeks" "I bet you just feel great with this nice weather it must be so much easier for you, you sound good"

(can you hear me screaming?)

Then I just felt like an utter failure, can't do beans, can't do pork, can't sleep, can't even heal right!! Today seems fraught with trial and error. I keep "trying" to sleep, "trying" to heal, "trying" to not be a wet blanket.....nothing is working quite right.

I whined and got misty, I sat on the couch feeling like a loser....then I opened a couple cans of beans, I'm working again on the chunks of pork, I got mad, I got surly, but I'm working on it. I've never healed well, I knew that. Everyone who knows me knows that. My friends and family still seem to like me even if I go back and forth healing. It can also lead to some funny moments.

I'm actually really happy the friend healed so well and so fast...but the last thing a person needs to hear is how they "should be feeling" We're all different and life affects everyone differently. I have friends going through fusion now, or soon, a friend recently went through it...I'm thrilled to hear how well they are doing. I'm happy to share my experience and point out that I am not a good yardstick for healing.
I really hurts being compared with other people. That's my problem though and I'll figure out how to deal with it eventually. I think my emotions might be a little raw right now. It could be lack of sleep. It's hard not to compare ourselves to others, but I try to draw the line at comparing healings...it's just not wise.

So onward and upward...I'll get it together.

I'm using the big girl computer, but I still ramble don't I??

Wisdom of the ages

Ok....on March 17th I got my lip pierced. It wasn't painful. It's cute! I really like it. I was supposed to go in on the 27th to have the labret changed. I didn't go in until today. I chose my lovely new lip ring. I went into the back and sat in the appropriate chair, while the nice piercing artist gloved up. She carefully unscrewed the the old ring laid it aside, then put the new one in...the new one hurt a bit because the skin shifted, still no big deal. She was screwing the lovely stone on the end of the post when it hit me......

I can't feel my fingers, my hands shake! How on EARTH am I going to ever change this??? I will either ;

a.) learn how

b.) just go back and visit her when ever something strikes my fancy

c.) maybe the feeling and coordination will come back

At least I chose blue....it goes with everything I own! :-)

Movie day

Fatigue seems to be a major player with me right now...so today I used my fatigue to my advantage. I introduced my husband to Victor/Victoria!! He'd never seen it! One of my favorite lines years ago when I first saw is was "Do your friends ever call you Vicki?' 'Only once!" I LOVED that line, of course that's when I was in my "I am Victoria, not Vicki" phase.

As long as I continue still feeling like a sack of potatoes I might guilt him in to Les Miserables, La Cage aux Folles, Moulin Rouge and possibly watching the Picture of Dorian Grey since he's never read it. I must also procure Rent so we can watch that too...I'd love to get him to watch Hair.

Thinking back, I am wondering if the only reason he like Victor/Victoria so much was Julie Andrews?!?!? Nah, he did laugh quite a bit.

If only I could find a good stage play of Steel Magnolias! If only I could stay awake during it!!

So, if anyone is reading this purely for the post surgery updates ( I know a few are). Today was one of those down days. Again, CCS is elusive. Feel fine lying down, ready to greet the day, get up...oh wow!! Sit right back down. I had a lot of trouble with full body weakness and fatigue today. I've begun noticing on bad days I need frequent carb infusions. It seems to help to have animal crackers, or saltines available. Peanut butter and celery are also life savers. I am 6 weeks post op. Most people have the collar off by now, not me. I have healing issues. I do take it off to do ROM exercises.

This past week was a setback, the week of the 7th I ended up with whiplash, the CCS was really bad. I got, more meds a week of bedrest and a more restrictive collar. I get to try moving my neck again next week. I go back to see my surgeon on the 11th to assess me then. I am aware lots of people take issue with over restriction, but this is how my body heals. I trust the way things are being handled.

Overall I am doing well neurologically. Still have the CCS, it will or won't go away in a year, it's all good!

...if any of you are preparing for; or healing from ACDF...each experience is vastly different. I am quite possibly a mutant and am rather ok with this designation.

Wow? Really? !

Have you ever been slapped in the face? I mean a really serious stinging slap that cut you to the quick, moreso because of the innate message behind it than the physical sensation itself? If so, then you're sure to understand this post.
I've been dealing with some physical and emotional issues. A "friend" was also dealing with issues. I thought I did and said all the 'right' things. At times it can be difficult to get over oneself and really sympathize when you're up to your neck (pun intended) with problems. I find it helps me get over myself if a friend leans on me. I felt useful, while at my most useless. I had been through very similar issues myself over the years, this "friend" asked for the benefit of my experience...i didn't foist it on her. Now the rub...we had been texting frequently then "friend" started avoiding me, text-wise. She started changing the conversation after she asked me how I was. I hadn't actually planned on really talking about it because I look fine, I work fine mostly...it's just little annoying things, slowness, fatigue, weakness, spasms...etc,. She continued to ask so I relented and defined it. Then, total clam up! Finally I got the nerve; after round 300 of me supporting, and being blown off to ask if my condition made her uncomfortable. She said "yes, it's hard for me."...other words lost in the blur. What the heck!? Completely stung and taken aback. Like this isn't hard for me? I resolved to coat myself better next time....I am an idiot! Tonight it started again, with the dramatic neediness. I lost it and pointed out that recovery is for the strong, wallowing for the week. I wallow for an hour or so a day...I whine to a really awesome friend, and pray he knows he can gripe to me. After my allotted time...it's over. I will probably always have some level of weakness, but so what? It's not how fast you get through life, but what you do while you're living it.

Yeah it's kind of whiney... .it was my hour! :-)

If I misspelled or left out words;
1.) It's a phone
2.) My hands don't always cooperate

Happy weekend :-)

*slightly altered to protect the innocent since this is pretty public