When things go awry

Things were a bit sideways today. I skipped chores because I felt weak and disconnected. I spent most of the day reading, some support group conversation, catching up on emails, and a few low stress things. So far so good. Then IT happened. Things started going sideways.

I tangled up my feet, yes I have only two. My feet however often have a difference of opinion about which way they want to go, when, where, why and how! I can't actually hear them arguing. I sense their growing unrest and know that one of them is about to take the other one out! Suddenly they stop and agree on a direction and speed. Now we're cooking! Well not yet, we are working up to that.

Next comes the cooking, lazy dinner, spaghetti with grocery store premade sauce. I chose a jar over a can. The jar seemed easier, it actually was for a change! Next comes bread. I got the bread out of the freezer, couldn't hold it. The bag simply slipped out of my grasp, hit the floor, bag ripped....seasonings all over the floor!! Curses! Next comes pasta. This is a no brainer! I put the pasta in the pot of boiling water along with the tip of my left ring finger. Ouch! Curses foiled again!!

I got ice on the scald in time, or maybe it wasn't that bad. It might have only scared me. Eventually the day ended. I was pretty happy not to have gotten a blister.

I put my argumentative feet in bed. They argued about which one was more useful I'm sure. My hands decided to join the party, when pop off non safety caps are too challenging to get back on...it's all over.

Life is at times quite comical and only a few people will ever know why...those people probably aren't even reading this, but will have laughed about it via email.

*******this happened a few days ago, i just located this unpublished post.********

just whining

I never write two blog posts in one day.  But today is no ordinary day.  I had a bad day.  Just like the song...I had a bad day...

It wasn't the worst, but it really could have been much better.
I decided to go out errand running before I picked my son up from school.  I've had an issue with dislocated ribs lately and a lot of fatigue.  I thought going out might help me.  Someone pulled into the last handicapped slot.  I cussed a bit and parked further out. I had no room to get my chair out so decided I'd be ok with the cane despite the rib issue.  I saw the person going in...I got kind of miffed.  I won't go into details, everyone has a reason why they have handicapped parking.
I finally got inside the store...things were ok, I found my malted milk balls and a sale on strawberries too!! I got the things I needed found a sale on boca burgers also a needed item and the 80 calorie wheat hamburger buns were buy one get one!! yay!!! I was doing well on time and feeling successful but getting tired.
Then I saw it...the person who cut me off for the slot, the person I was a bit ticked off with (ok really angry with) filling the basket of the store electric cart with chips, little debbie snack cakes, and other fast/processed food.  OK i'm not the food police either.  They could have Grand children right???  I stated to feel slightly (very) judgmental.  I tried to let it go, it's not my life to live and anger helps no one.

The final straw in my already straw filled judgmental evil eye was them cutting me off for the last check out lane with a real person at it, to check out my groceries.  Self check out was my only option if I wanted to pick up my darling son on time.   I don't have very good hand control at times...today was a bad day.  Walking quads are not known for speed or finger dexterity even on a good day.  I got my groceries checked out, a lady had to come help with a bag not scanning,  I told her I needed help and she just walked away.  There were 4 people standing around at the end of these lanes.  They saw me hobbling around with a cane trying to get the stuff bagged, they also saw me crying I'm sorry to say. A lovely gentleman and his equally lovely wife came to the lane while I was trying to bag this stuff.  I looked up and said, "i'll be a minute, my hands don't work and no one will help me" he said "no problem lady take your time I have all day".  His wife said, something about waiting too long and she was going to go sit down.  The lady working self check out next to me decided to help a friend of hers bag her groceries after looking at me and ignoring me.  They chatted it up and really had a great time.  If you've never tried to open plastic bags with little finger function to put things in...it's hard...it's harder through tears, it's harder through red faced embarrassment and much harder through a panic attack and anger.

I loudly thanked the guy for his extreme patience (tapping his foot and sighing no less) I also loudly thanked the lady bagging her friend's groceries for her help...then I headed back to my car.  I almost got hit because someone decided I wasn't making it through the crosswalk fast enough and they didn't want to stop at the stop sign to wait.

I got the groceries in the trunk.  I called my friend to let her know I was running late, to corral my son if I didn't get there on time.  I got there...my friends boosted my mood.  Then I got back in my car to wait for my son...and wait...and wait...
I sat there for 30 minutes waiting.
He had taken the bus home despite me reminding him I was picking him up (normal routine, the bus is a rarity in the afternoon.) I needed that time with my girlfriends it's the one really bright spot in my day.  My friend time, my normal time.

He called to ask where I was.  I was nearly home by this time and angry.  He had no key, he had no cell phone, there is some bully jerk at school threatening him with a knife...I was worried, I was scared, I was feeling my disability, I was feeling so much and I was spent emotionally.  I don't really think much about what's going on with me as far as labels, but certain days I do feel disabled, or different, today I really felt different, alone and adrift and I was angry that no one seems to care or help anyone. I've raised my son differently and I hope that somehow people who help others, slow down and see the world around them somehow save this world.  I needed a light today and the only light I had were my friends and I love them so much for being my light, my laughter in the tears and my strength in weakness.

The last song I heard in the car today was Stronger by Kelly Clarkson ....I felt stronger, but I still needed a good cry before I felt stronger.  I am stronger but have my moments.....

5025600 miners

I was going to be philosophical and deep....but autocorrect had other ideas.  It filled in miners for the word minutes.   :)
That's just one of many insignificant things I've had to adapt to this year.  One little year, one long year.  This year has taught me that life is fleeting, grab on and hold on for the ride.  Run as fast as you can for the happiness in life.
Life is so full of bitterness, ugliness, strife, envy, hatred, the list goes on.  I think if we stop the world, our portion of it at least, and really take a good look at it.  That what we run on the endless hamster wheel to catch, is actually right in front of us.  We just need to stop the wheel and go to it.
My hamster wheel hasn't been that fast or functional this year.  I've had to find other ways to catch up....ways such as slowing down.  I'm roughly as energetic as a wet sock (I would have said noodles, but they move around, at least some, with the boiling water.  Another way has been to let go of some control.  I've tried to be more patient with myself.
There are many positives to slowing down.  More time to notice little things, more eye contact, more smiles, grass, flowers, leaves, birds.
Physically I'm still playing the back and forth game.  It will most likely always be this way.  I am working on things. It's a bit slow and awkward sometimes.  I'm working on learning to 'read' myself too. 
All I can say is....thank you to all of you who've stood by and or sat beside me through this.  Many of you don't know me. But still I thank you all.

White Rabbit

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small and ones that Mother gives you don't do anything at all......

Sometimes none of them seems like they do what they're supposed to do, or in fact do anything at all.  I have pain issues some of the time, ok all of the time.   I have some lovely prescriptions, lots of herbals (all legal, darnit!) vitamins and rubs.  Some days things are good and I'm almost a normal person.  Other days I'm like Oscar the Grouch (aside from the lovely colour, awesome hairdo, and private pad with pet), on those days I just want to hide in my trash can and tell the world to 'scram'!  Still other days I'm touchy and feel like I'm in a chrysalis, a crucible or a bell jar.  At any rate it feels like I'm moody and transitory.  There are days when I feel like a shiny rainbow bubble on the verge of breaking, absolute fragility, ephemeral. 

Somehow, nothing really changes and I'm still the same.  I have no trash can to escape to, no chrysalis for my change, no bell jar creating a vacuum around me, no crucible to hold me while I change, and my skin is thicker than a bubble.  Insomnia will not kill me.  The pain will not kill me, this weird and strangely shifting injury will not kill me.  It's all just what it is. 

It's thorny, painful, sharp, not good, kind of ugly and nothing anyone would want.....until I wake up and crawl from my bell jar, crucible, chrysalis or trash can, I won't see it at all.  When I finally emerge,  then I'll see it's a lovely rose of any color, I just couldn't see the flower for the thorns.

The caterpillar, the dormouse and Alice are an illusion, so is the transient relief from pills.  Insomnia can be so unfair; at least it proves I'm alive.

Today is a thorny day...but I'm seeking the rose.

Boring update

I am doing this on my phone....so ignore autocorrect.

It's been almost 8 months with this cord thing now.  I started writing 'complicated lives' to take my mind off myself for a while.

I guess it started the moment I woke up in the hospital.  I noticed certain things right away.  Little differences.  I was told to stay active, keep walking, do all my normal things as restrictions were lifted.  Then, whiplash. I had a setback.  That one thing delayed healing by a few months.  I ended up needing a cane to function.  My hand issues got worse, but not terrible.  I'm lucky.

June...messed up bad leg.  Can't use crutches anymore because my neck is still not happy with me.  I spent a month in a chair (yes I own one now) lost more muscle mass. 
Despite continued use of my muscles....I'm still in a bit of decline, trying to find my way back to only slightly different. 
As it stands, for long walks or outings.  I use my chair.  Shorter distances I use my cane.  I'm staying mobile and active, but it is hard work.

Most days are a struggle against a rushing tide, moving through molasses, with little energy.  No I am NOT depressed.

I won't bore you with many details.  The pain has changed, not for the better.  Healing continues.  I am healing but will never be healed.

I'm ok with this. 
My life is fine...I have little to complain about. Some days are just better than others.  This is still kind of hard to talk about.
I think the hardest/ worst part is not fitting in anywhere.  I don't belong in any one group.  I'm not the same, but neither am I too different.  It's hard to explain a walking cord injury to anyone...especially yourself.  Pardon the pun, but a walking cord injury is a lonely road to travel.  I find myself at odds with myself many times.  Also I find myself in a constant state of defensiveness in some places.  I don't get overly bothered by stares.   (don't notice them)  I find there is a bit of bitterness toward people like me....not much however from the true SCI community, (unless they are bitter angry people to start with)!  I find hatred more from pretenders.  I've actually been reduced to tears by a few people only to later learn they never had an injury at all.  I guess they must get a sick pleasure out of hurting others.

I'm not sure what else to say.  Vitamins, Calcium, adequate rest, and cutting yourself slack are all essential.  As is...sucking it up and getting on with life.  A state of stasis does nothing to help anyone, but it will cost you mobility.

Send a mssg if you'd like to know more....

Momz1970.....gmail

I like the letter "L"

I need to write something uplifting and happy...I am blue today, so I'll do what I do best and...yap about nothing of importance.

I really like the letter L. Honestly! It's in some of my favorite things, lazy, pillow, sleep, lemons, linoleum, lollipop, lullaby, love, lovely, light, life. I love this letter, the long, loopy, lazy strokes. If you do it right you can make dragonfly wings with "l's". I love L words, like, lift, leap, long, light, legacy, lemondrop. I love the sound, it's almost a song you sing. It's a happy sound to me. Some letters aren't used much, but if you look around there are "l's" everywhere.

When I think of happy letters "L" is a happy letter. It's tall and proud, it's understated or fancy; loopy or plain...sadly it is not in the word insane...which is what this post is!

When I get blue I try to find something to take my mind away and lift it to a loftier....ummm...layer??? Ah level works! I was flopped on the sofa texting with my lovely sister, she informed me was lacking in the blogging arena...I started to wonder what I could bore all you lovely people with...then it hit me, just like that Sesame Street song....la la la linoleum...if you don't know what I mean the link is below...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ3eiaK6LAU

I LOVE that song!! I love all those things and my son asks for lumps in his cream of wheat.

I know I get really caught up worrying about everything...Did I make the right choice 20 years ago? Did I pick the right hotel? Did I plan the wrong vacation? Did I say the right thing to a friend before I never saw them again? Did I offend anyone today? Did I kiss the right people in high school? Did I kiss enough people in high school? Why did I do that? I need to put the brakes on and relax...I need to look for the "l's" in my life and fill it with lightbulbs, linoleum, and lemons! LOL worry thoughts have very few "l's" not like...I love my life and am happy to be living it...and I love my sister! :-)

Now that I have thoroughly caused you all to wonder why you are reading this lame blog anyway...I thank you for doing it! Healing is going slowly, it has me down...I am really hard on myself, harder than I would ever be on another person. I'm just seeking my new level of normal. I think by the time I adapt...normal will be different...oh no...I'll need another insane post idea! I think the season change is hitting me hard, I see seasons and life as intertwined...this is the season of rebirth (in the US) spring is for cleaning and renewal...I feel anything but like cleaning and renewing. I still want to hide in my cave, but like the lovely butterfly, I can't keep hiding out forever. I guess I'll do what I can, find my "L's" where I am and love my lameness. Learning also starts with L.

Me+today=sofa

Somewhere there has to be a balance. I didn't consider unloading/ loading a dishwasher, mild grocery shopping, fixing dinner, folding a few loads of laundry and slowly moseying a shade under a mile as...too much. Apparently it was too much. I have consumed enough water for 3 people since last night, my right arm is about as useful and lively as a pillow, (oh pillows are useful...and soft...so soft) and I am about as perky as a child doing chores. Fun times in our house! Can you stand the action?

Hopefully I figure out this balance soon. Really hope there's no juggling involved. I've never been coordinated, can't imagine it would start now....but if coordination suddenly does occur, I could really have fun! Walking, talking, chewing gum and texting all at the same time! I wouldn't use it for anything useful of course, no belated ballet career, painting, or juggling. Just normal nefarious activities, which I probably can already do reasonably well now. It would be nice to have more finesse so I didn't worry so much about being spotted while busying myself with non-criminal totally law abiding wholesome activities...like knitting and such....lol...snickering here....

I do wonder what really graceful people feel like when something changes that. My life isn't much affected by things, but how devastated would I be if I'd had to give up a career, or really alter my life...Thank God I'm a lazy klutz!

Posting from phone....(touch keyboard is the secret)

No good vibrations

No sweet sensations.....it was horribly, horrible in a horrid sort of way.  It could possibly have led to horrific experiences. 
I experienced my first run in with loud, penetrating bass vibrations on Friday.  I had experienced road trip jerky vibrations, steering wheel driving vibrations, shopping cart crippled wheel vibrations.....but not the deep soul modifying bass I met on Friday.  First, the service was AWESOME!  The music built and felt great, the bridge grew louder then launched into a new build.  The bass is the kind you FEEL inside you, it moves you.  Well I got moved, my right arm produced an impressive tremor.  My diaphragm then started the counterpoint with a lovely arpeggio of spasms.  Not to be out done by the smug upper regions, my sweet left leg decided to do the zombie shuffle.  Internal heater then informed me that we must surely be nearing the deepest reaches of the desert, now having clammy heat reaction." I just need air really!"  Neck not being noticed then decided to pull off a headache, also just for fun pull up some swelling in my throat.  Dinner suddenly became 2 pints of woodchuck/pecker cider.

I had really experienced all this stuff but on a smaller scale. I was totally unprepared for the "hot/cold vibrating vicki"  ride.
At the restaurant post service, we gathered around to gleefully watch the tremor arm in action!  Still working out the details of 'kill touch', 'oh no you ain't touch', 'no sass touch', and the super secret proto-type....'perfect child touch'  Post discussion we all got tanked and agreed that; "what good is having a perfectly acceptable disability if we can't make fun of it?"  Sadly I can NOT recarbonate beer at this point in my injury....perhaps later.

In essence...this Easter service was awesome! I was mush for a full day and still shaky, but hey....it was fun.!

Written on phone....yadayada spelling, yadayada rambling...hopefully we all know what I mean....drop me a note if you don't....Cheers for some, Happy Easter for others, Christos anesti for you,  love you all, no matter what this season says or does for you.  I am grateful for you all.