Yawn....

Maybe it's the blues, maybe it's the weather, maybe it's my internal wiring....but I have no energy.  I feel about as energetic as a throw pillow and as useful as a worn out afghan in a blizzard with no heat and no fireplace...in total...pretty non energetic and fairly useless.

I wonder why I feel so worn out, as I gaze at the sleeping Siamese curled up in my lap twitching as he dreams, I feel myself drift just a little.  Could my little buddy be sucking out my energy?  Is he using it to fuel his shiny ball chasing craze?  Perhaps he's using it to power some cat time portal or some cat space probe.  I trust him completely but there are times he seems deeper than a mere kitty sleeping on a lap.

I love fall and winter, honestly I do.  I forget every year how season changes affect me.  This is my second year rewired and I don't know what to expect on that front.  Exhaustion seems to just "pop up" out of nowhere with this.  I guess it really isn't totally out of nowhere.  I can usually trace it to something, lack of sleep, weather, too much typing, too much of anything, medication, nightmares.

The mental fog is pretty substantial too.  Both of them are hitting at the same time.  The exhaustion and mental fog.  The futility of raising a teenager is also mentally draining and for some reason mental stress makes my body feel worse.  Odd or normal?  I think it's normal that stress causes some fatigue.  I think it's odd that I have no idea how to deal with this.  I am assuming I'll figure it out eventually.

Yeah, ok this post is a bit whiney.  This is one of those days I just want my Grandma, the multi colored afghan I used to peak through, the old green plaid sofa,  the pheasant pillow, a cup of Campbell's Chicken noodle soup and Fantasy Island.  If I could turn back time for just one day, I think it might be a day I didn't feel so great and my Grandma took care of me.  I'd love to feel that care again.  I know they guys care, but it's not the same.  I'm responsible now and I'm not supposed to need to be taken care of.  I'm supposed to take care OF things.  On top of all the mental fog, physical exhaustion and general oddness I beat myself up emotionally on a daily basis because I just don't feel like I'm in charge of anything.  I feel completely out of control.  This can't be good for me.  Somewhere, somehow, something has to give.....I'm pretty sure all of us go through this feeling drained thing. I think I'll perk up when the weather has settled, my kitty isn't sneezing so much and we start to decorate for Halloween.  Mmmm Halloween, stolen candy from my son :)  I can almost taste the tootsie rolls now!

Gee isn't this a gloomy post!?  Aren't you glad you read it?  At least it had Tootsie Rolls and Campbell's soup....but not together, that would just be gross.

Suckers

Standing outside the candyshop window looking in.
I see rows of jewels arranged according to color in bins. They glitter and shine.
I see multicolored balls spirals and swirls of color on standing displays. Rainbows made solid or swirled in cloud.
Bins of wrapped caramels and toffees, gleam in gilt wrapping. Salt water taffy in waxed paper, its gay hues visible still.
Display cases festooned with chocolates of all types, divinity and seafoam wait expectantly. The fudge is center stage.
I have to go inside.
Where is the door?
I see shoppers, laughing, smiling, talking, buying.
I smell the sweet aroma!
I hear the words.
I hear the jingle of the bell as the shoppers enter and exit.
Why can't i find the door?
I see so many people pass me with candy.
I ask them how to get inside....they just keep walking. Wearing their coats while holding their umbrellas. They don't hear me or see me.
One little girl skips away, leaping in a puddle, her red boots covered in muck, her rain hat askew, clutching her lollipop chasing her brother. They are gone.
I notice i'm wet.....how long has it been raining?

What do you see

I've been fairly depressed lately.  Everything and nothing.  At times it seems like the bottom falls out, no one understands me, no one can help...etc.  The more people try to help, or the more close they get the worse I end up feeling.  I'm not suicidal, just a general bleakness, loss, coming loss...a bit of a mess mentally...I took a depression quiz on psych central and popped quite positive, it all makes sense ...BUT i still pass on online sanity.  That should come as a shock (don't die now) to many of you....i digress....ok where this all leads in relation to the title.
A friend and I were video chatting tonight.  I was wearing some favorite jammies.  They have cherries on them and what I visualize are two bluebird friends or family (likely friends as there is no fighting) making the lattice crust on a cherry pie.  I imagine they are making cherry pies for a woodland gathering.My friend sees them eating the pie after its been cooled on a window sill.
It doesn't matter if either of us is right.  Nothing changes our differing perspectives on the pie.  These ideas are  what we surmize based on inferences from life experience.  I recently offered advice I didn't realize seemed flippant to 'get a teddy bear'.  I have spent hours and years of hours flooding poor Teddy with my sorrow, lonliness, fear, anxiety...etc, i've never touched him in anger.  He is my solace.  I suggested that solace to a friend.  This unknowingly hurt my friend.  I still feel bad about that.  Perception is a double edged sword or kris blade.  The wound is there and often worse than if I'd said nothing at all.  It is hard to watch a friend or family member hurt, yet all our heartfelt advice stings more.  Where I see goodness and succor my friend sees an entirely different scene.
I guess it all boils down into a willingness to view others perceptions.   A readiness to accept each of us deals with pain emotional and physical widely differently will help me, I'm sure.  Willingness to see the good in things, the wisdom and trust to know a friend won't hurt you and a friend willing to see her answers may not help at all, but she tries.  The willingness to comprehend that half full and half empty are in fact the same condition....it's just perception after all.
 
Can all of life be summed up with bluebirds and cherry pies?  Is it just a matter of how we are wired to see things.  Do we even truly have a choice or will deep down we suffer in not being true to our hardwired idrals?  Is my life less meaningful because I'm failing to enjoy all of my world?  The guilt robs me of freedom, the weight of the housework robs me of energy (before I even start).  How clean is 'clean enough', how much can I attain?  I'm not sure.
I am however happy even in my depression seeing two things create something I adore! (Cherry pie!)..even if my vision is flawed.  I still see the building of the pie, not the destruction.
I will try to see the world and my friends in it as all different, not mraning to hurt me.  I hope they will grant me the pass to be a flawed human and never forget I mean no harm or flippancy.
On a side note...there was a greasy spoon stop on the greyhound route from to Chicago to Cedar Rapids.  It was in Rockford IL.  On the way back to IA I would get off there, have a slice of pie with coffee and a smoke then reboard the bus.  I was hiding depression by convincing myself the pie was great.  It wasn't;  what was special and great was feeling freedom.  Or at least a reward for the pain.  At the time, I just looked forward to it.  No questions asked, one good and petfect thing.
So, are these birds in the photo (hope I attached it) eating the pie or making it??