lessons I'm too daft to learn

"...why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if i live or die...."

"...you're just a waste of time, you're just a babbling face..."

"....I'm relying on your common decency,So far it hasn't surfaced But I'm sure it exists..."

I studied at the knees of The Smiths, The Cure and Depeche Mode. You would think that by now I would realize, that some people have no concern for others. You would think that after all the many hours I spent worshiping at the church of logic sin and love, that I would know for certain that "this is real, this is now, this is a freak show baby anyhow" But no! I remain today as idealistic and trusting as a lamb led to slaughter.

I continue to be sucked into the quagmire and desperation of this toxic leech of an acquaintance. I feel sorry for people. When I see someone lonely, hurting, desperate...I want to help. I operate under the rainbow canopy of altruism and empathy. I blindly assume that all people who say I just need an ear or a friend or to vent really mean that...so I invest time, energy, emotion. I wrongly assume that because someone uses the term "friend" that they actually know what it means. I am also just naive enough to believe when someone asks me how I'm doing they really care.

Which leads me to another thing....if any of you are guilty of asking "how are you doing?" but don't want to know, or really care....why even ask?....just spare yourselves the time and lies. Don't waste the energy...just lead off with "hey let's talk non stop about me and how endearing I am!" Sorry It needed to be said....

When, when, when will I learn? Will learning this lesson change who I am? Will it harden me? I don't want to lose my flowers, rainbows, and rose tinted sunglasses. I don't want to be beige, I don't want to be a wall. Is there a balance between being a doormat and being welcoming? How do I sever these toxic ties? Is the moon really made of green cheese? I really don't know what the answers are.

NO! it is not my husband....I know you're reading this too (lol). You drive me insane but in a really good way :-)

So, maybe there's hope for me...maybe not.

Wow? Really? !

Have you ever been slapped in the face? I mean a really serious stinging slap that cut you to the quick, moreso because of the innate message behind it than the physical sensation itself? If so, then you're sure to understand this post.
I've been dealing with some physical and emotional issues. A "friend" was also dealing with issues. I thought I did and said all the 'right' things. At times it can be difficult to get over oneself and really sympathize when you're up to your neck (pun intended) with problems. I find it helps me get over myself if a friend leans on me. I felt useful, while at my most useless. I had been through very similar issues myself over the years, this "friend" asked for the benefit of my experience...i didn't foist it on her. Now the rub...we had been texting frequently then "friend" started avoiding me, text-wise. She started changing the conversation after she asked me how I was. I hadn't actually planned on really talking about it because I look fine, I work fine mostly...it's just little annoying things, slowness, fatigue, weakness, spasms...etc,. She continued to ask so I relented and defined it. Then, total clam up! Finally I got the nerve; after round 300 of me supporting, and being blown off to ask if my condition made her uncomfortable. She said "yes, it's hard for me."...other words lost in the blur. What the heck!? Completely stung and taken aback. Like this isn't hard for me? I resolved to coat myself better next time....I am an idiot! Tonight it started again, with the dramatic neediness. I lost it and pointed out that recovery is for the strong, wallowing for the week. I wallow for an hour or so a day...I whine to a really awesome friend, and pray he knows he can gripe to me. After my allotted time...it's over. I will probably always have some level of weakness, but so what? It's not how fast you get through life, but what you do while you're living it.

Yeah it's kind of whiney... .it was my hour! :-)

If I misspelled or left out words;
1.) It's a phone
2.) My hands don't always cooperate

Happy weekend :-)

*slightly altered to protect the innocent since this is pretty public