First concert in a chair....

I went to see Alice Cooper and Iron Maiden, with my guys of course!  The venue was the same as the last time we saw Alice Cooper, last summer.  The difference this time was me.  I've gotten over some of my stubbornness and begun to realize, how I attend a concert is not nearly as important as the fun had while there.  I can say I had a truly awesome time!! I felt free.  It was so much fun to just relax and enjoy the show.  Chair dancing without fear of falling; making noise and enjoying the show; just 'being' and knowing I was safe.  Not having to worry about someone crashing into me and toppling me was a real load off my mind.  One would think that being safe and enjoying the moment would trump stubborness, or the feeling I had to walk in order to prove something no one (not even myself) understands.  One would thing living would outweigh fear....
Pretty simple right???.....wrong
This is as much a mental game as it is a physical one.  It's hard to describe the many emotions that surface in any given day.  It's especially hard trying to map out how I'll feel or function in a 'safe' situation (grocery shopping) if I'm tired, stressed or distracted.  When a totally unpredictable crowd enters the equation, all bets are off.  I'm slowly adapting to the "new normal".  In many ways it's much harder dealing with a chair.  At this point, I think it's well worth the hassles, if anyone stares I havent noticed.  Maybe I just don't care.
It took 2 concerts and several mishaps for me to understand the fairly basic concept that fun beats fear everytime.
I've spent most of two years clinging to my idiotic ways....I'm slowly waking from my slumber, (don't really get much of that)  and realizing that just because I can walk, doesnt always mean that it's the safest or best option.
Next concert is Morrissey (yes, again) and I will take Lilac.  Of course my chair has a name....if you know me, would you expect anything less?

just whining

I never write two blog posts in one day.  But today is no ordinary day.  I had a bad day.  Just like the song...I had a bad day...

It wasn't the worst, but it really could have been much better.
I decided to go out errand running before I picked my son up from school.  I've had an issue with dislocated ribs lately and a lot of fatigue.  I thought going out might help me.  Someone pulled into the last handicapped slot.  I cussed a bit and parked further out. I had no room to get my chair out so decided I'd be ok with the cane despite the rib issue.  I saw the person going in...I got kind of miffed.  I won't go into details, everyone has a reason why they have handicapped parking.
I finally got inside the store...things were ok, I found my malted milk balls and a sale on strawberries too!! I got the things I needed found a sale on boca burgers also a needed item and the 80 calorie wheat hamburger buns were buy one get one!! yay!!! I was doing well on time and feeling successful but getting tired.
Then I saw it...the person who cut me off for the slot, the person I was a bit ticked off with (ok really angry with) filling the basket of the store electric cart with chips, little debbie snack cakes, and other fast/processed food.  OK i'm not the food police either.  They could have Grand children right???  I stated to feel slightly (very) judgmental.  I tried to let it go, it's not my life to live and anger helps no one.

The final straw in my already straw filled judgmental evil eye was them cutting me off for the last check out lane with a real person at it, to check out my groceries.  Self check out was my only option if I wanted to pick up my darling son on time.   I don't have very good hand control at times...today was a bad day.  Walking quads are not known for speed or finger dexterity even on a good day.  I got my groceries checked out, a lady had to come help with a bag not scanning,  I told her I needed help and she just walked away.  There were 4 people standing around at the end of these lanes.  They saw me hobbling around with a cane trying to get the stuff bagged, they also saw me crying I'm sorry to say. A lovely gentleman and his equally lovely wife came to the lane while I was trying to bag this stuff.  I looked up and said, "i'll be a minute, my hands don't work and no one will help me" he said "no problem lady take your time I have all day".  His wife said, something about waiting too long and she was going to go sit down.  The lady working self check out next to me decided to help a friend of hers bag her groceries after looking at me and ignoring me.  They chatted it up and really had a great time.  If you've never tried to open plastic bags with little finger function to put things in...it's hard...it's harder through tears, it's harder through red faced embarrassment and much harder through a panic attack and anger.

I loudly thanked the guy for his extreme patience (tapping his foot and sighing no less) I also loudly thanked the lady bagging her friend's groceries for her help...then I headed back to my car.  I almost got hit because someone decided I wasn't making it through the crosswalk fast enough and they didn't want to stop at the stop sign to wait.

I got the groceries in the trunk.  I called my friend to let her know I was running late, to corral my son if I didn't get there on time.  I got there...my friends boosted my mood.  Then I got back in my car to wait for my son...and wait...and wait...
I sat there for 30 minutes waiting.
He had taken the bus home despite me reminding him I was picking him up (normal routine, the bus is a rarity in the afternoon.) I needed that time with my girlfriends it's the one really bright spot in my day.  My friend time, my normal time.

He called to ask where I was.  I was nearly home by this time and angry.  He had no key, he had no cell phone, there is some bully jerk at school threatening him with a knife...I was worried, I was scared, I was feeling my disability, I was feeling so much and I was spent emotionally.  I don't really think much about what's going on with me as far as labels, but certain days I do feel disabled, or different, today I really felt different, alone and adrift and I was angry that no one seems to care or help anyone. I've raised my son differently and I hope that somehow people who help others, slow down and see the world around them somehow save this world.  I needed a light today and the only light I had were my friends and I love them so much for being my light, my laughter in the tears and my strength in weakness.

The last song I heard in the car today was Stronger by Kelly Clarkson ....I felt stronger, but I still needed a good cry before I felt stronger.  I am stronger but have my moments.....

5025600 miners

I was going to be philosophical and deep....but autocorrect had other ideas.  It filled in miners for the word minutes.   :)
That's just one of many insignificant things I've had to adapt to this year.  One little year, one long year.  This year has taught me that life is fleeting, grab on and hold on for the ride.  Run as fast as you can for the happiness in life.
Life is so full of bitterness, ugliness, strife, envy, hatred, the list goes on.  I think if we stop the world, our portion of it at least, and really take a good look at it.  That what we run on the endless hamster wheel to catch, is actually right in front of us.  We just need to stop the wheel and go to it.
My hamster wheel hasn't been that fast or functional this year.  I've had to find other ways to catch up....ways such as slowing down.  I'm roughly as energetic as a wet sock (I would have said noodles, but they move around, at least some, with the boiling water.  Another way has been to let go of some control.  I've tried to be more patient with myself.
There are many positives to slowing down.  More time to notice little things, more eye contact, more smiles, grass, flowers, leaves, birds.
Physically I'm still playing the back and forth game.  It will most likely always be this way.  I am working on things. It's a bit slow and awkward sometimes.  I'm working on learning to 'read' myself too. 
All I can say is....thank you to all of you who've stood by and or sat beside me through this.  Many of you don't know me. But still I thank you all.

White Rabbit

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small and ones that Mother gives you don't do anything at all......

Sometimes none of them seems like they do what they're supposed to do, or in fact do anything at all.  I have pain issues some of the time, ok all of the time.   I have some lovely prescriptions, lots of herbals (all legal, darnit!) vitamins and rubs.  Some days things are good and I'm almost a normal person.  Other days I'm like Oscar the Grouch (aside from the lovely colour, awesome hairdo, and private pad with pet), on those days I just want to hide in my trash can and tell the world to 'scram'!  Still other days I'm touchy and feel like I'm in a chrysalis, a crucible or a bell jar.  At any rate it feels like I'm moody and transitory.  There are days when I feel like a shiny rainbow bubble on the verge of breaking, absolute fragility, ephemeral. 

Somehow, nothing really changes and I'm still the same.  I have no trash can to escape to, no chrysalis for my change, no bell jar creating a vacuum around me, no crucible to hold me while I change, and my skin is thicker than a bubble.  Insomnia will not kill me.  The pain will not kill me, this weird and strangely shifting injury will not kill me.  It's all just what it is. 

It's thorny, painful, sharp, not good, kind of ugly and nothing anyone would want.....until I wake up and crawl from my bell jar, crucible, chrysalis or trash can, I won't see it at all.  When I finally emerge,  then I'll see it's a lovely rose of any color, I just couldn't see the flower for the thorns.

The caterpillar, the dormouse and Alice are an illusion, so is the transient relief from pills.  Insomnia can be so unfair; at least it proves I'm alive.

Today is a thorny day...but I'm seeking the rose.

Boring update

I am doing this on my phone....so ignore autocorrect.

It's been almost 8 months with this cord thing now.  I started writing 'complicated lives' to take my mind off myself for a while.

I guess it started the moment I woke up in the hospital.  I noticed certain things right away.  Little differences.  I was told to stay active, keep walking, do all my normal things as restrictions were lifted.  Then, whiplash. I had a setback.  That one thing delayed healing by a few months.  I ended up needing a cane to function.  My hand issues got worse, but not terrible.  I'm lucky.

June...messed up bad leg.  Can't use crutches anymore because my neck is still not happy with me.  I spent a month in a chair (yes I own one now) lost more muscle mass. 
Despite continued use of my muscles....I'm still in a bit of decline, trying to find my way back to only slightly different. 
As it stands, for long walks or outings.  I use my chair.  Shorter distances I use my cane.  I'm staying mobile and active, but it is hard work.

Most days are a struggle against a rushing tide, moving through molasses, with little energy.  No I am NOT depressed.

I won't bore you with many details.  The pain has changed, not for the better.  Healing continues.  I am healing but will never be healed.

I'm ok with this. 
My life is fine...I have little to complain about. Some days are just better than others.  This is still kind of hard to talk about.
I think the hardest/ worst part is not fitting in anywhere.  I don't belong in any one group.  I'm not the same, but neither am I too different.  It's hard to explain a walking cord injury to anyone...especially yourself.  Pardon the pun, but a walking cord injury is a lonely road to travel.  I find myself at odds with myself many times.  Also I find myself in a constant state of defensiveness in some places.  I don't get overly bothered by stares.   (don't notice them)  I find there is a bit of bitterness toward people like me....not much however from the true SCI community, (unless they are bitter angry people to start with)!  I find hatred more from pretenders.  I've actually been reduced to tears by a few people only to later learn they never had an injury at all.  I guess they must get a sick pleasure out of hurting others.

I'm not sure what else to say.  Vitamins, Calcium, adequate rest, and cutting yourself slack are all essential.  As is...sucking it up and getting on with life.  A state of stasis does nothing to help anyone, but it will cost you mobility.

Send a mssg if you'd like to know more....

Momz1970.....gmail

Mother's Day miracle

Wow! No arguing!! I could not believe it...two whole days with a minimum of whining! I thought that certainly this Mother's Day would be no different from the last 13...yeah our son is only 12 but from 99-11 is 13 in all. I was lying in bed this morning wondering when the arguing would start. When would the crying begin? How many times would I have to tell him to STOP being such a baby? Just suck it up and act your age! Quit picking fights! Every Mother's Day is usually marked with "Happy friggin Mother's Day to me!! I hate this day!!" Then I go away and hide until the bickering ends. I didn't have to call my husband down ONCE! ...or my son. Usually it's like I have two kids. One a surly pre-teen the other an annoying older brother! Fortheloveofheaven...no one...NO One....told me husbands reverted!! I have had to break up wrestling in grocery stores, "stop making fun of me" fights and "stop touching me" wars. I only have one child, or thought I did. I was terrified about this year. I'm more emotional and feel less mentally engaged. Kind of like fog brain.

Imagine my heart stopping surprise when.............

This morning all I heard were the sweet strains of "good morning" and "happy mother's day" as they presented me with my son's homemade raspberry muffins. We all ate in bed, drank coffee and talked about our plans. The guys walked to a farmer's market to get my knives sharpened and buy bread. I picked them up. We went to see Thor. I had popcorn. There were no dreaded heavy vibrations dominating the movie. We walked, shambled, around a boardwalk. We fed birds I rescued a baby turtle, we fed a muskrat. We came home and had the crock pot rabbit stew they made. We watched TV...I even took a nap! I don't nap because I am a really unpleasant person after a nap. Today I wasn't mean at all! I didn't even gripe much. HONESTLY! I only naffed a little, the sun was bright and they wouldn't stop to hold things so I could dig in my purse for my sunglasses after the movie. I wasn't even too shaky today, though an old lady got in a handrail war with me at the movie theater...I WAS there first and I really needed it more.

Yesterday was pretty perfect too. Great lacrosse game, they played hard but still lost. My son did an awesome job in goal and covering his guys. We had lunch with some dear friends. The margaritas were great! We came home, the guys loaded the canoe. They canoed, I sat on the beach and read. We came home, grilled out and I had more beer. I learned there is a very fine line in drinking with my cord injury. A certain amount of booze will help the vibrations to lessen and the tremors to slow...too much has the opposite effect. Now I need to test this line on a regular basis to find out just where it is!

So that was my Mother's Day miracle...it was perfect!!

I like the letter "L"

I need to write something uplifting and happy...I am blue today, so I'll do what I do best and...yap about nothing of importance.

I really like the letter L. Honestly! It's in some of my favorite things, lazy, pillow, sleep, lemons, linoleum, lollipop, lullaby, love, lovely, light, life. I love this letter, the long, loopy, lazy strokes. If you do it right you can make dragonfly wings with "l's". I love L words, like, lift, leap, long, light, legacy, lemondrop. I love the sound, it's almost a song you sing. It's a happy sound to me. Some letters aren't used much, but if you look around there are "l's" everywhere.

When I think of happy letters "L" is a happy letter. It's tall and proud, it's understated or fancy; loopy or plain...sadly it is not in the word insane...which is what this post is!

When I get blue I try to find something to take my mind away and lift it to a loftier....ummm...layer??? Ah level works! I was flopped on the sofa texting with my lovely sister, she informed me was lacking in the blogging arena...I started to wonder what I could bore all you lovely people with...then it hit me, just like that Sesame Street song....la la la linoleum...if you don't know what I mean the link is below...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ3eiaK6LAU

I LOVE that song!! I love all those things and my son asks for lumps in his cream of wheat.

I know I get really caught up worrying about everything...Did I make the right choice 20 years ago? Did I pick the right hotel? Did I plan the wrong vacation? Did I say the right thing to a friend before I never saw them again? Did I offend anyone today? Did I kiss the right people in high school? Did I kiss enough people in high school? Why did I do that? I need to put the brakes on and relax...I need to look for the "l's" in my life and fill it with lightbulbs, linoleum, and lemons! LOL worry thoughts have very few "l's" not like...I love my life and am happy to be living it...and I love my sister! :-)

Now that I have thoroughly caused you all to wonder why you are reading this lame blog anyway...I thank you for doing it! Healing is going slowly, it has me down...I am really hard on myself, harder than I would ever be on another person. I'm just seeking my new level of normal. I think by the time I adapt...normal will be different...oh no...I'll need another insane post idea! I think the season change is hitting me hard, I see seasons and life as intertwined...this is the season of rebirth (in the US) spring is for cleaning and renewal...I feel anything but like cleaning and renewing. I still want to hide in my cave, but like the lovely butterfly, I can't keep hiding out forever. I guess I'll do what I can, find my "L's" where I am and love my lameness. Learning also starts with L.

Me+today=sofa

Somewhere there has to be a balance. I didn't consider unloading/ loading a dishwasher, mild grocery shopping, fixing dinner, folding a few loads of laundry and slowly moseying a shade under a mile as...too much. Apparently it was too much. I have consumed enough water for 3 people since last night, my right arm is about as useful and lively as a pillow, (oh pillows are useful...and soft...so soft) and I am about as perky as a child doing chores. Fun times in our house! Can you stand the action?

Hopefully I figure out this balance soon. Really hope there's no juggling involved. I've never been coordinated, can't imagine it would start now....but if coordination suddenly does occur, I could really have fun! Walking, talking, chewing gum and texting all at the same time! I wouldn't use it for anything useful of course, no belated ballet career, painting, or juggling. Just normal nefarious activities, which I probably can already do reasonably well now. It would be nice to have more finesse so I didn't worry so much about being spotted while busying myself with non-criminal totally law abiding wholesome activities...like knitting and such....lol...snickering here....

I do wonder what really graceful people feel like when something changes that. My life isn't much affected by things, but how devastated would I be if I'd had to give up a career, or really alter my life...Thank God I'm a lazy klutz!

Posting from phone....(touch keyboard is the secret)

green grass

The grass is always greener in someone else's yard...at least that's what my cat thinks. I walk him on a leash, he is way too irresponsible to be off on his own! For some reason he thinks that he can actually catch a bird while walking on a bright blue leash and dragging a human along behind him.

Kung Pao was probably one of Mother Theresa's nuns in a past life, or someone else really good. I have no idea how wonderful of a person you would have to be to come back as a Kung Pao. he is pure poetry in motion. He can communicate through the floors, we can quite literally feel his needs. He was in the basement, locked in my husband's workout room....my husband actually felt him needing something and went downstairs to check it out. Kung Pao was sitting primly in the room, just waiting to be released. He went through chemo for lymphoma and never missed a beat. He was in remission for maybe a month before it came back. He REALLY hates the car, so we decided (with the advice of his awesome vet!!) to put him on Chinese herbals and prednisone....3 years and counting...knock on wood :-) Pao is full of love and life.

Somehow he seems to know exactly what a person needs. I've been up and down emotionally lately. I don't feel like myself anymore. Nothing feels the same, things just don't work right. Rubbing him doesn't feel the same anymore. I used to love the silky feel of his ears and his fur; I can still feel it just feels different. Everything feels different. He knows something is up but he isn't sure what. Poor Kung Pao tolerates my incessant tossing and turning. He still insists on sleeping with me or on me even when he gets no sleep. I think he does this as much for me as he does because it's his habit. When I feel my worst he is there. I crawl on my pity pot for a while and he joins me. Saturday was my worst day in a while. I went to a Good Friday service, there were a lot of heavy bass vibrations...my nerves don't like vibrations. Friday afternoon and evening my arm was spasming, I couldn't sleep, everything was really symptomatic. (all this is really hard to understand much less describe) I spent pretty much all of Saturday and most of Sunday recuperating. It seems easy to just lie in stasis when this happens, but not doing something drives me up a wall. I feel useless, I get down, then Pao reminds me that all I really need to do is provide a soft spot for my family and friends to land. I don't have to run any races, I don't really have to do anything except just be there...that's my job. The guys can cook...(that's hard to accept) The guys can exist, but they need me for my "Momness" and "Wifeness". I am not sure where I fit into all this right now. I am going through a lot. I am trying to take it one day at a time. I am trying to cut myself some slack. I am trying to learn from Kung Pao.

Today was a great day. I woke up and felt like getting out of bed. (yay) I had enough energy to wash my hair. (barely...yay) I went to the store. (yay...ok husband drove) I folded 2 loads of laundry, made dinner, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and am going to pick up my son from school...(YAY!) This has been my most energetic day since the anemia hit after the cord situation got worse. Maybe it's because Pao got a new Easter basket to sleep in yesterday, maybe it's because things are healing...don't know, but I do know...I love Kung Pao......and the grass really is greener in the neighbor's yards because they fertilize.

Used the big girl computer... :-)

Neck Solstice

The 12 of this month, April, is the sixth month since my neck was 'normal'.  It's been a really long 6 months! I'm just over two months post op now. I can finally speak normally again, meaning I sound pretty much like me, it still tires easily. I can swallow normally. Again, my throat tires. I can feel the plate sometimes, other times no. When I get upset, it feels like my throat is closing. I'm still dealing with numbness, weakness, overwhelming fatigue, etc. 
It really isn't that bad. I've never been graceful, I've never had an awesome voice, I don't need lots of stamina.....plus I DON'T HAVE TO WEED!!!! This would all be really devastating had I been a dancer, singer, surgeon, or did fine hand work....but since my most technical moves are chopping onions It's good.  Having some energy would be nice.
Not sure what the next neck solstice will bring, but this one will be marked with a beer. I will probably also listen to some really uplifting music, The Cure, The Smiths, Depeche Mode....and wonder what would happen were they all to sing in a collaboration. 

So have a drink on April 12th move your neck, and put on a good song. Celebrate my solstice with me....lol
Hey Chumbawamba is good Tubthumping totally rocked!

Autofill...spelling...Thank you all for reading my ramblings.

Gerbil touch

I was holding one of our gerbils a few days ago. She went right to sleep in my hand. I held the other gerbil and the same thing happened. I have this super woman pet touch!! I've realized now my hands shake when they are symptomatic, they are like the perfect rocking chair for a gerbil! OK, so I can't hold a glass of beer, cider, vodka, water or tea reliably. I might have the grip of an 80 year old right now, but hey....I can put small furry mammals to sleep with my hands. How cool is that? My reflexes are too slow at the moment to catch one should it run away; but I have the ability to make them soundly sleep in my hands. I can't figure out where my fingers are on the keyboard half the time, but I can do something new! (yes using the big girl computer today and having so much fun figuring out how to use my fingers). This really isn't so bad. I'm learning my limits, and trying to stay within the boundaries. I've never been good at that! I can't imagine I will start now. I am trying however to listen, and take things as they come. It also would be really nice to know when something is actually injured and dealing with it immediately rather than in say.....16 years???

Mike is hoping I can harness the power and use it for evil in some sort of death touch. I would like to use it for good. Perhaps putting to sleep, (or at least in a trance) all the unruly preteens? Laying on of hands and inspiring husbands to rub wives feet? The down side is I'd have to touch lots of people. I think that would require an inordinately large amount of antibacterial hand sanitizer. Have you ever touched a preteen son??? They smell kind of strange. Husbands also smell odd after handling frozen octopus. It was our freezer he helped me clean....did you expect anything less?

Well today is better than yesterday, I'm still a bit blue but The Smiths always cheer me up.....So, I've of course attached a link!!!!!

The Smiths-Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Cheers!

As always..... spelling, especially today!! I've been backspacing more than typing!! :-)

Wisdom of the ages

Ok....on March 17th I got my lip pierced. It wasn't painful. It's cute! I really like it. I was supposed to go in on the 27th to have the labret changed. I didn't go in until today. I chose my lovely new lip ring. I went into the back and sat in the appropriate chair, while the nice piercing artist gloved up. She carefully unscrewed the the old ring laid it aside, then put the new one in...the new one hurt a bit because the skin shifted, still no big deal. She was screwing the lovely stone on the end of the post when it hit me......

I can't feel my fingers, my hands shake! How on EARTH am I going to ever change this??? I will either ;

a.) learn how

b.) just go back and visit her when ever something strikes my fancy

c.) maybe the feeling and coordination will come back

At least I chose blue....it goes with everything I own! :-)

Movie day

Fatigue seems to be a major player with me right now...so today I used my fatigue to my advantage. I introduced my husband to Victor/Victoria!! He'd never seen it! One of my favorite lines years ago when I first saw is was "Do your friends ever call you Vicki?' 'Only once!" I LOVED that line, of course that's when I was in my "I am Victoria, not Vicki" phase.

As long as I continue still feeling like a sack of potatoes I might guilt him in to Les Miserables, La Cage aux Folles, Moulin Rouge and possibly watching the Picture of Dorian Grey since he's never read it. I must also procure Rent so we can watch that too...I'd love to get him to watch Hair.

Thinking back, I am wondering if the only reason he like Victor/Victoria so much was Julie Andrews?!?!? Nah, he did laugh quite a bit.

If only I could find a good stage play of Steel Magnolias! If only I could stay awake during it!!

So, if anyone is reading this purely for the post surgery updates ( I know a few are). Today was one of those down days. Again, CCS is elusive. Feel fine lying down, ready to greet the day, get up...oh wow!! Sit right back down. I had a lot of trouble with full body weakness and fatigue today. I've begun noticing on bad days I need frequent carb infusions. It seems to help to have animal crackers, or saltines available. Peanut butter and celery are also life savers. I am 6 weeks post op. Most people have the collar off by now, not me. I have healing issues. I do take it off to do ROM exercises.

This past week was a setback, the week of the 7th I ended up with whiplash, the CCS was really bad. I got, more meds a week of bedrest and a more restrictive collar. I get to try moving my neck again next week. I go back to see my surgeon on the 11th to assess me then. I am aware lots of people take issue with over restriction, but this is how my body heals. I trust the way things are being handled.

Overall I am doing well neurologically. Still have the CCS, it will or won't go away in a year, it's all good!

...if any of you are preparing for; or healing from ACDF...each experience is vastly different. I am quite possibly a mutant and am rather ok with this designation.

Wednesday=stress

Where to begin....Wednesday...

1.) Planning extensive trip, things going awry

2.) Son needed to be picked up late

3.) Student led conferences at school

4.) Late dinner

1+2+3+4=STRESS

Stress is one of the things that most affects my current state. I made a HUGE, huge, huge mistake. I didn't take a muscle relaxer when I felt the first symptoms creeping up. I thought things would just be fine, a little numbness a little clumsiness...nothing major. Just my new normal.

The stress started building, and I started to have issues with the stairs. Fairly normal after 3pm. We had a surprise 'discussion' with a teacher. That amped up the stress. I'd begun noticing pain in my arms by that point. We went back home to prepare dinner, then get ready to head back for the actual conferences. All the bad news hit at once. By the end of the hour (one hour) my legs were dragging up every step, the hand rail was a must, I still hit every step with my feet, I couldn't hold paper, much less leaf through them while the teachers were talking, I couldn't hold a pen, breathing was very laboured. I felt roughly like I had spent the better part of the day in a gym doing heavy weight training. I was s-l-o-w and uncoordinated...those poor parents probably thought I had been quaffing for hours!!

I will overcome this, there is just so much grey. I am still learning what makes this worse and why. I've learned that stress, a chill, and fatigue all affect this....put those three things together and it's a mess! Every limb can be affected. It hits people in varying degrees, various parts...I am assuming by the time I figure out what NOT to do, this will have mostly cleared up. I'm mild but it still hits me like a train sometimes.

I am very thankful I have a husband to help pick up my considerable slack. The morning is slow, the day is good, the afternoon...I just wind down. I've never been one to "just sit" I guess. I hate to dust, I'd much rather create than clean, I always assumed I was lazy. Now I feel lazy!! I think I may have dust bunnies growing on me or at least cobwebs!!

I did a wild thing yesterday....got my lip pierced (labret) I think it looks awesome :-)

Here's to a fun weekend...we have no plans, none whatsoever, definitely not meeting a cool friend in a fun place. ;-) But we are going to IKEA

sofa saga

It was a balmy night...Scott, Vicki and Mike were discussing a newly gained piece of furniture.... had a rather lively discussion...

Scott- "oh Vicki, you and Mike have acquired a new davenport i see"

Mike- "quite new in fact, why only today we've brought it home...great Scott! Scott we should place it inside our home!!"

Vicki- "I'll say! That's a rather splendid idea there Mike"

Scott- "perhaps we should imbibe in a wee dram of spirits before we begin?"

Vicki- " an altogether lovely idea, splendid! oh Scott, will you be so kind as to fire my fag, and yours?"

Scott- "absolutely Vicki! what a rollicking good time this is!"

Mike, Vicki and Scott all donned lift belts, planned all their moves well in advance, team lifted, and of course lifted with their knees in a carefully choreographed event. After the move was successfully completed they all rested upon the divan whilst discussing art and music theory. They laughed merrily all night and as the morning drew nigh....

What really happened...

It was another sweltering night in Florida, the Palmetto bugs were dive bombing Mike, Vicki and Scott...they had just brought home a second couch because Mike's parents gave it to them and were pretty well trashed...Vicki and Scott were smoking furiously. They were all singing somewhat discordantly and wondering if they had enough beer and smokes........

Vicki- hey Scott you want our old couch

Scott- sure man

Mike- alright lets get this one out and that one in

Vicki- wait what are we gonna do? which one first?

Scott- lets get this one out then that one in

Vicki- sounds good but lets smoke first...

Scott- yeah....hey can I have a cigarette?

Mike-you guys want another beer?

this goes on for a while....

we get the first couch out ok and the orange mushroom chairs...they sort of matched the brown mushroom sofa in a weird sort of psychedelic, kind of way...this furniture was last popular circa 1970.

Moving the new sofa in, we had to go over the deck railing because of the way the stairs angled. Scott was in the bed of the truck, I was on the ground (I have muscles!! really I do, or did) Mike was on the deck...we pass the sofa over, the bed wall of the truck, I steady it as it comes out then hand off to Mike, Scott passes the end out to me, I'm holding the end while Scott gets out of the truck bed ...Mike is walking backward to get inside, he trips over the door jamb...sofa tips and pivots on the deck railing fulcrum...all the weight transfers rapidly to me...I'm not that strong..sofa lands on my head...horrible crunch, nauseating pain, numbness, cussing, apology, really nauseated...guys check me for concussion, but none of us considers that my neck may have just been really screwed up.

I remember the next morning is pretty bad, but I just figured it was too much fun the night before, life goes on for the next 16 or so years....

and today we have 2-7 all in various states of herniation, at least one of them went in 2 different directions pressing on my spinal cord and peripheral nerves, 3 old compression fractures, bone spurs in both central canal and on foramin again pressing on nerves and spinal cord, ligament hypertrophy, retrolisthesis... neurologically I was showing hoffmann's sign, babinski reflex, hyper-reflexia, impaired tandem walk in other words..... ...a mess all rapidly leading to paralysis!

I've been fused, de-spurred and have central cord syndrome until it decides to go away or stay with me or whatever it decides to do...not so bad considering I waited so long. The cord syndrome is what's making life so much fun right now!! The zombie-like gait, shaking hands (looks like a coffee overdose), inability to type words the first time out...because my fingers don't respond well and end up confused...everything is slow. It's really all good considering I was staring down total paralysis...partial paralysis really isn't such a bad thing, just more inconvenient and comical...until the blues hit ....then I have only to remember how much fun we had that night

Sadly the couch is no longer with us, but it was for many years, I held my son on it, slept on it and loved dear couchy!

my funny friday

this was a copy over from fb...but I am sharing this post with ppl who aren't in the super secret club

2/25/11

My day was an epic comedy of errors...I'm still laughing or (was until my son got a D+ on a math test...)

...voice still out, swelling nasty, was going to stay in bed, Darlene came to yap with me..we planned a caper! Here goes...

Got dressed, can't raise arms to do a pony tail so i got stuck with pigtails to keep my hair from tangling in my velcro....made it down stairs mind only so muddled I need 3 trips to actually get socks...outfit...purple pigtails, maroon FSU shirt, jeans too big and rolled up...Doc Martens (of to a great lezstart)...hands really weak numb and shaking today...i was shaving raw chicken off a frozen breast for my kitty...right hand didn't work well, knife skidded into left thumb...didn't 'feel' the sharp but the stop was quite firm...the oh shit response hit about the same time as the fainting feeling...bled through the first bandaid...got butterfly and bandage...couldn't open them..so much blood...lol...get thumb bandaged (finally)...we get in car and i see the dropkicks CD...thinking yay Murphy's!!...empty!....so we rocked out to a Bryan Adams cd....we head out to Wally-world, to get a tape measure..I needed new pants and trying them on now is really hard, so i'm measuring them...leg clumsy today, tripped myself on way to sewing aisle, looked drunk ...in line buying tape...left thumb doesn't work now because of the bandage (cut is really deep) ....can't get money out of wallet...handed the cashier like $15 dollars because I couldn't unfold it...Darlene had to handle my money...right hand too uncoordinated to zip change purse, rescued again by Darlene (yes this is looking like a person shopping with their home health companion)...now we're shopping, i've been in a collar for MONTHS no one says anything or asks anything until today...through clever hand signs and my phone I communicate that there was a terrible accident on the way back to my home planet...one guy was really creepy and kept following me....I'm not sure but he seemed to be flirting, it just seemed off...other 2 ppl who ask are really nice :-)....a 20something hit on me too...(really boosted my ego)...now we decide we want a movie...still can't talk, Darlene's knee had swollen and she couldn't walk...I walked into the video store confident I would find Rent...i walked around with my notebook and pen until i found a store clerk, then passed notes...no rent...I'm laughing like an idiot right now as I type this...perhaps the best part was hanging prom dresses around Darlene's neck so we could pretend we were at prom together!! LOL Best day in a long time :-D