oh well

Things are really screwy right now...it seems like nothing is working quite the way it's supposed to. I feel like a yo-yo...up and down. Nothing is really registering up stairs...things physically aren't responding well...I have a major case of the blahs. I think this may have something to do with the newly cut thumb...(it's in a splint and typing is hard)....it just brings it all back and reminds me that this is going to be a lengthy recovery.

My voice is back....at least to a stage whisper volume. I find that now I can talk, I really don't feel like interacting. How weird is that?

It would be really nice if collars came in different colors

Apparently I CAN shut up

Yesterday in a bizarre salad and beer accident...my voice went. Since noon yesterday, I have been mute. This is the oddest thing yet.

I blame the spasms and the roughly 5 forkfuls of salad I got down. Definitely NOT the beer!

My special 'Mommy Power' is gone!...I can't nag my husband!! Seriously they both at totally separate times yesterday told me to "nod"! WTH?? I still can't nod :-) So as you can see I still have much work to do in training them.

I am really thankful for color note on my phone. I am also thankful for friends you meet in stores with excellent senses of humor. I am thankful for pens...and for everyone understanding my hands still aren't responding quickly so communication takes forever...or at least feels like it.

So day 2 has begun in muteland...mutant muteland? oh well!

Oh yeah...I'm also going insane with the muscle relaxers. I'm not always aware of 'what' I am doing. The drugs are getting to me, but it isn't pretty when I don't take them...so for now...insane and mute. Let's just hope the agoraphobia doesn't come back this time.

I'm told it's healing

I'm weird. Nothing ever quite goes the way it's supposed to. Years ago, I broke my ankle...it never disclosed on x-ray. Something should have told me something was wrong because it just never stopped hurting (echo the torn acl!)...I ignored it for years. One day about 5 years after I broke it, I mentioned it in passing to a surgeon I was seeing for a ganglion cyst in my hand, he took an x-ray...my talus had a dead spot. It was drilled, I spent 2 months in a wheel chair while my hand and ankle healed..or thought they healed. The hand ended up as exploration...seems he couldn't "find" the cyst! I was released as 'fixed'...gee it shouldn't still hurt, then spent the next year and a half with a cane and or a walking boot. I was taking classes at the time...half the class talked to me, and cheered when I finally wore 2 shoes to class, the other half avoided me...they thought I was an amputee because of the cane and the limp...

After a year and a half I swallowed my fear and saw another surgeon. He injected hylagen (sp) into my dodgy knee and then sent me for another MRI for the ankle. The first surgery had accomplished nothing! No healing, the attempt was to injure it and force it to re-vascularize...I am immune to healing.

During the awful black year and a half of shooting bone pains, limping, sleepless nights or nightmare filled nights...I had a recurring nightmare, my leg was amputated and I didn't care, losing it seemed like the only option. I didn't say it was a good option, it just seemed like a welcome idea. Looking back I realize the amputation dreams were me feeling divorced from that part of my body...it just wasn't healing...forward to just after surgery

I wake up to find out a dear friend's house in CA was in flames, and my leg 'felt funny'..the surgeon came in with his head hanging...he told me (still stoned from anesthesia mind you) 'It was worse than I thought when I got inside'...I thought my leg was gone! Then he told me...the dead bone was larger than the MRI showed, so he had to take longer and cut off the end of my tibia to prevent it's resting the in the dead slot... 4 months on crutches and in casts...it's fine 6 years out...

now I'm 'healing' again...only this time it's my neck...ACDF 5/6/7....still thinking of a name for the cadaver graft...

My neck is a nightmare!! At least I'm having blood filled dreams.....thinking bio mech tattoo

tomorrow I'll yap about how this happened...or the next day...but have no fear....I just can't shut up!!

I just can't shut up

It's like this sickness...I just can't shut up! I've tried to just listen....but something takes over and before I know it...I've written a page, or yapped incessantly!

I'm going to try blogging...hopefully this way I won't feel compelled to share everything with one over burdened friend and tax them to their limit! I honestly don't mean to be rude, it's just hard sometimes to find a person you can connect with. It can be weird and exciting to find someone who understands you.....it can also be hard when no one 'gets' you.....

I've always been an outcast. If the sign says walk...I skip...if a sign says...no talking I ask why. I'm 40...I just started watching Glee and I see now, why no one in school could really stand me. I acted like Kurt...I was outspoken, I wore a bowtie, cummerbund and jacket on sr. prom day when I was a junior...to school...I'm a girl!

Meeting people who like cemeteries, are bold, understand me, monty python and see that Jennifer's Body was not a bad film it was a black comedy...that's rare