Satan made a refrigerator, and it’s in my house. It seemed innocent enough. The demo model stood there in a Sears store
in Yuba City, CA. A white side by side,
reasonably priced, ice and water through the door, spill resistant glass
shelves, deli drawer, large in size at a good price. It arrived and we were delighted. We were only in CA for a year, so It’s hard
to recall very many issues with it there. Satan may have in fact made the stove in that
house then used the oven as his primary tool of evil to infect the fridge, they
stood sort of across from one another.
The oven used to make this horrible hacking noise when
turned on. Neither my husband nor I were
avid gas range users, I spent most of my life around electric ranges. We had no idea that it wasn’t normal for a
gas oven to make this rattling strange guttural metallic noise when
starting. We were told it was one of the
new never go out pilot light thingies. The
home inspector checked the dishwasher and oven too, we were pretty sure. We thought it was strange that it would
suddenly stop heating. We called a guy
out to fix it, he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard it. After he “fixed” it, it didn’t make that
sound any more. He didn’t look like a priest and we didn’t see
any holy water. I digress….
Immediately after moving we realized that something was
wrong with the fridge. The water line
proved difficult for Ein and Stein the installer’s to connect to, then turn on. Seems the prior owners who were (no kidding
from West Virginia) had the knob to the water line concealed behind a
decorative air vent cover in the basement. (????) When they did get it connected it started and
worked fine for about a day. I noticed
immediately the ice sliding down the back of the freezer. I am sure this must have happened in CA too,
but I just didn’t remember. Some of it
will land in the ice bin but it makes this strange trek down the back of the
freezer too. Also a large stalagmite of
ice will reach up and prop up the arm of the ice maker if not knocked down
daily. The plastic door bins started
cracking because Satan, evilly enough put clear brittle plastic in the fridge
to hold all the stuff in the doors. The two
bottom ones hook on with these flimsy clips, the ones up top actually make some
sense. I have a line on the door bins on
Ebay. I have bought 3 now (knock on
wood). I dimly recall repairing one in
CA with super glue. Now I dodge ice shrapnel as it leaps off one
of the food containers in the freezer to attack.
He did design it to be nice and cold. It held the miracle lettuce for months past
its expiration date in plastic sealed splendor.
The blessed lettuce seemed only to enrage the possessed appliance, which
then lashed out at the washer and dryer.
How that miracle of greenery survived in crispy beauty until we finally
found and consumed it I will never know.
Once, not long after moving in, I noticed an ominous odor of
burning melting plastic. We discovered it
was the fridge. It was repaired but evil
was not cast out. It has only grown surer
of itself. Probably because of the whole
blessed lettuce thing. We can’t exactly
get rid of a fridge that keeps random things fresh and perfect months past
their expiration dates; that would be illogical. I suppose I could try having my wonderful and
helpful son push the fridge out from the wall with me to see if we can adjust
the legs up a bit. Knowing our luck
something would break off, then it would start heating things instead of
cooling them.
I am afraid to invite the clergy into our home to cleanse
the freezer. It stands near a picture of
Jesus. I’m wondering if his gaze is what
keeps the fridge from pure appliance domination. So far the dishwasher has been replaced because
the first was horrible. The one we
bought was recalled, the replacement was installed by a crooked moron which
then loosened and fell out, then the
moron who installed it blamed the dishwasher, the builder and the counter for
not being “right”. The previous
dishwasher was installed flawlessly by a blind guy (seriously). Disposal has died, (we called the blind guy
to put a new one in). Washer and dryer
have both had repeated repairs.
We won’t
mention the two other appliances. The
fridge seems unconcerned with them.
