Half-life

When I hear half-life, I think radioactive decay, time period for a quantity to fall by half, or medication to be halfway out of your system.  When my son hears half-life, he thinks of a video game.

This post is about none of those things.  It's about a baby, a child, a little, boy, a young man, then a man, then hopefully a Father, Grandfather....and it flows on.  I write this with tears in my eyes.  I think about my son, now 13..this is nearing a half-life for me and for him.  I'm about half way through my life.  He his about half way to his role as husband and father.  This hit me last night as I was writing to an acquaintance of mine, expecting her first child.

He will be 14 in just a few short months.  Exactly half the age I was when I had him...the day after my own 28th birthday.  Those short almost 14 years ago I never knew how much he was going to fill me, love me, reform me, hurt me, worry me, amaze me.  I have no idea where my life would be without him.  I feel like screaming at him much of the time, I see myself in him making mistake after mistake. I hear the sassing and the cutting comments.  Then he does something to take my breath away, I then see he isn't making mistakes..just learning.  Learning to think, grow, do, see things in a new way.  He tries my patience to no end.  I swear he will end up living in our basement forever.  Then a new direction crops up.

He was playing xbox online, complaining to a "friend" that his "Mom was bothering him".  His "friend" is 18. (I would love to hug and thank this "friend" I send you love and good vibes)  The "friend" told him to appreciate his parents because when he hit 18 he was going to really miss his Mom and Dad and want to spend time with them.  My son came to me and  shared this, with his head hanging. He hung his head while hugging me.  He told me that he was going to miss me in a suddenly little boy voice; small and insecure.  I didn't cry, I held him and told him I would really miss him too and had no idea what I was going to do without him.  "Who will I yell at?" We both laughed.  I had to lighten the mood...because it's coming really soon!

He starts 8th grade just before his 14th birthday.  Only 4 more years!  I feel so many emotions I can't possibly list them all.  I won't be happy to see him leave if he decides to go away to school.  I want him to stay home and attend school the first year or two, because I'm just not ready to let go.  I want him to have the freedom to fly.  I don't want to see him fall.  Selfishly I want him to stay with me for so much longer.  This isn't about me at all though.  This is about him, his life, his choices, his success, his failure, his learning, his pain, his world.  I want to be part of his world forever.

I want to be needed, but not because I've emotionally crippled him and left him too insecure to move forward.  I have to figure out in the next 4 years how to make sure he knows that no matter what happens I will be here for him.  I have to watch him grow and become the man he is destined to become.  Soon that smooth little face will be shaving, I can't help there..that's Dad's land.  Soon that vibrant yapping little mouth will be behind the wheel of a car.  Soon this young man will make a series of important decisions that set his course for the future.

I'm scared for him, he's so much like me, I remember my feelings at 16, 17, 18.....He has so many more things going for him than I did.  I know he will be fine, he always has been.  When failure has seemed imminent he has pulled it out at the last minute.  His mouth has me the most worried.  His need to debate, argue, frustrate, the word play.

I've watched him lie there and wriggle, crawl, stagger, walk, shuffle, run...I guess fly is next.......

I love my baby boy and always will.