White Rabbit

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small and ones that Mother gives you don't do anything at all......

Sometimes none of them seems like they do what they're supposed to do, or in fact do anything at all.  I have pain issues some of the time, ok all of the time.   I have some lovely prescriptions, lots of herbals (all legal, darnit!) vitamins and rubs.  Some days things are good and I'm almost a normal person.  Other days I'm like Oscar the Grouch (aside from the lovely colour, awesome hairdo, and private pad with pet), on those days I just want to hide in my trash can and tell the world to 'scram'!  Still other days I'm touchy and feel like I'm in a chrysalis, a crucible or a bell jar.  At any rate it feels like I'm moody and transitory.  There are days when I feel like a shiny rainbow bubble on the verge of breaking, absolute fragility, ephemeral. 

Somehow, nothing really changes and I'm still the same.  I have no trash can to escape to, no chrysalis for my change, no bell jar creating a vacuum around me, no crucible to hold me while I change, and my skin is thicker than a bubble.  Insomnia will not kill me.  The pain will not kill me, this weird and strangely shifting injury will not kill me.  It's all just what it is. 

It's thorny, painful, sharp, not good, kind of ugly and nothing anyone would want.....until I wake up and crawl from my bell jar, crucible, chrysalis or trash can, I won't see it at all.  When I finally emerge,  then I'll see it's a lovely rose of any color, I just couldn't see the flower for the thorns.

The caterpillar, the dormouse and Alice are an illusion, so is the transient relief from pills.  Insomnia can be so unfair; at least it proves I'm alive.

Today is a thorny day...but I'm seeking the rose.