just whining

I never write two blog posts in one day.  But today is no ordinary day.  I had a bad day.  Just like the song...I had a bad day...

It wasn't the worst, but it really could have been much better.
I decided to go out errand running before I picked my son up from school.  I've had an issue with dislocated ribs lately and a lot of fatigue.  I thought going out might help me.  Someone pulled into the last handicapped slot.  I cussed a bit and parked further out. I had no room to get my chair out so decided I'd be ok with the cane despite the rib issue.  I saw the person going in...I got kind of miffed.  I won't go into details, everyone has a reason why they have handicapped parking.
I finally got inside the store...things were ok, I found my malted milk balls and a sale on strawberries too!! I got the things I needed found a sale on boca burgers also a needed item and the 80 calorie wheat hamburger buns were buy one get one!! yay!!! I was doing well on time and feeling successful but getting tired.
Then I saw it...the person who cut me off for the slot, the person I was a bit ticked off with (ok really angry with) filling the basket of the store electric cart with chips, little debbie snack cakes, and other fast/processed food.  OK i'm not the food police either.  They could have Grand children right???  I stated to feel slightly (very) judgmental.  I tried to let it go, it's not my life to live and anger helps no one.

The final straw in my already straw filled judgmental evil eye was them cutting me off for the last check out lane with a real person at it, to check out my groceries.  Self check out was my only option if I wanted to pick up my darling son on time.   I don't have very good hand control at times...today was a bad day.  Walking quads are not known for speed or finger dexterity even on a good day.  I got my groceries checked out, a lady had to come help with a bag not scanning,  I told her I needed help and she just walked away.  There were 4 people standing around at the end of these lanes.  They saw me hobbling around with a cane trying to get the stuff bagged, they also saw me crying I'm sorry to say. A lovely gentleman and his equally lovely wife came to the lane while I was trying to bag this stuff.  I looked up and said, "i'll be a minute, my hands don't work and no one will help me" he said "no problem lady take your time I have all day".  His wife said, something about waiting too long and she was going to go sit down.  The lady working self check out next to me decided to help a friend of hers bag her groceries after looking at me and ignoring me.  They chatted it up and really had a great time.  If you've never tried to open plastic bags with little finger function to put things in...it's hard...it's harder through tears, it's harder through red faced embarrassment and much harder through a panic attack and anger.

I loudly thanked the guy for his extreme patience (tapping his foot and sighing no less) I also loudly thanked the lady bagging her friend's groceries for her help...then I headed back to my car.  I almost got hit because someone decided I wasn't making it through the crosswalk fast enough and they didn't want to stop at the stop sign to wait.

I got the groceries in the trunk.  I called my friend to let her know I was running late, to corral my son if I didn't get there on time.  I got there...my friends boosted my mood.  Then I got back in my car to wait for my son...and wait...and wait...
I sat there for 30 minutes waiting.
He had taken the bus home despite me reminding him I was picking him up (normal routine, the bus is a rarity in the afternoon.) I needed that time with my girlfriends it's the one really bright spot in my day.  My friend time, my normal time.

He called to ask where I was.  I was nearly home by this time and angry.  He had no key, he had no cell phone, there is some bully jerk at school threatening him with a knife...I was worried, I was scared, I was feeling my disability, I was feeling so much and I was spent emotionally.  I don't really think much about what's going on with me as far as labels, but certain days I do feel disabled, or different, today I really felt different, alone and adrift and I was angry that no one seems to care or help anyone. I've raised my son differently and I hope that somehow people who help others, slow down and see the world around them somehow save this world.  I needed a light today and the only light I had were my friends and I love them so much for being my light, my laughter in the tears and my strength in weakness.

The last song I heard in the car today was Stronger by Kelly Clarkson ....I felt stronger, but I still needed a good cry before I felt stronger.  I am stronger but have my moments.....